Recap/Review: True Blood - S2E9 - I Will Rise Up
Show: True Blood
Station: HBO
Timeslot: Sunday's an 9pm (EST)
HI! First, I would like to flail about a few things: NEKKIED ERIC, MARYANN'S HBIC SHOES, LAFAYETTE, NEKKID ERIC! Now that we have that out of the way, onto the show.
Where do we start, oh, where we left off, in Dallas, at Godric's lair with Douche!Luke dressed up a a suicide bomber. Ooooh, no, then we cut to outside where Grade A Douche!Bill is with Lorena and he tells her that she may be immortal, but she is dead to him. And then she says, "I wish you hadn't said that." I'm glad, maybe now she'll take Bill out of the picture. Anyway, we go back inside where Douche!Luke reveals the bomb and Sookie gets startled and Bill's SookieSense goes off and then *KABLEWIE* BOMB!! Bill runs inside, looking for Sookie, and is even rude enough to push an injured vampire out of the way, like I said, Grade A Douche. Might I just take this time to say I think they over did it wit the vampire goo, maybe a tad too much. Bill finds Sookie, under Eric to tells him that she's not hurt, just stunned, because Eric is a real standup guy and shielded Sookie with his body. Eric tells Bill to take care of the humans, and Bill turns around to see a guy with a crossbow. Bill chases them, pulls a guy out of the van and ooh, guess what, drinks his blood. Real classy, Bill.
THEME SONG!!
We're back at Ground 0 and we see Godric and Isabel coming out from behind a wall. Isabel, being the nice vamprie she is, actually helps the wounded, instead of pushing them out of the way. Sookie pushes Eric off of her, claiming not being able to breathe because Eric weighs a ton (well, he's a 6'6'' tall, muscular, Viking vampire, of course he weighs a ton). Sookie sits up and yells for Jason, who appears from behind the fireplace. He stands up and give Sookie 2 thumbs up and a goofy smile. (Oh Jason Stackhouse, how I love you). Sookie then turns back to Eric, and here is where the fun begins. Let me loosly paraphrase"
"OH NOES, ERIC!"
"I HAD TO SHIELD YOU"
"WELL HURRY UP AND GET HEALED, I NOES YOU CAN"
"I CAN'T, SILVER"
"I'LL GO GET GODRIC"
"NO, YOU GOTTA DO IT, SUCK IT OUT"
"BUT IT'S GROSS, AND IT'S YOU"
"BITCH, I'M DYING"
"SON OF A MOTHER FUCKER"
Okay, she didn't actually say fucker, but you know that would have been next. And listen, if Eric Northman wanted me to suck something out of him, I'd be all over that. Anyway, Sookie obliges and sucks a bullet out of his neck and spits it out. Eric tells Sookie there is another one, and she is baffled and disgusted. WHY WOULD YOU SAY NO, SOOKIE, WHY??? And, we can tell there in that moment, that Eric played Sookie for a sucker, because he watched her suck on his chest and then leaned back and smiled. Eric Northman, I love you!!
Oh, look, it's Grade A Douche again. And he shows mercy... wow, I'm shocked. Back to Jason who is surverying the damage and what's this? FUCKING DOUCHE!LUKE'S HAND, ON THE GROUND, EWWWWWWWW. AND JASON GOES TO TOUCH IT. WTF! JASON? Look, who's finally coming back inside, it's Grade A Douche! Hehe, and he walks in on Sookie, still working at Eric's chesticle, and Eric is propping his head up on his arm and smirking. Bill's like all WTF? And Sookie was like, I saved his life, even though I didn't want too. Here's something I would like to point out; Eric didn't have to save Sookie, if she thinks he such horrible, evil person, why would he put himself in front of her, potentially putting his life in danger? So, why would you think it was such a bad thing to save his life? Bill's being a bad influence on Sookie. Anyway, Bill explain that Eric was already healing and that the silver would have popped out eventually and Sookie is all stunned. Really, that surprsies you? Can I just point out that I absolutely love the vampire goo sliding down the wall in this scene, you stay classy True Blood. And, we go from "son of a mother fucker" to a-hole. Not asshole, a-hole. Thank you for the lulz, Sookie. So, Bill's pissed and Eric and Sookie are connected, and Eric is pleased. What else is new?
Now we're back at the Hotel Carmilla where Bill is being a Grade A Douche. This whole scene makes me very pissed at Bill, and I do not wish to talk about it. I can't wait for Sookie to break up with him.
Back at the house of Virgins 4Ever, Jessica and Hoyt are discudding the neverending hymen. :D
Jessica continues with her sob story and says to Hoyt that they should break up. Hoyt is like "DNW" and tells her that she never laughed at him, and everyone else has and that is why he loves her. He also tells her that he wants her to meet his mama, and you can hear everyone across America watching True Blood go "AWWWWWWW" and she's so excited, but he says don't be because his mama's a racist and she would be lucky is Maxine doesn't talk to her at all. Poor Jessica, I mean, I really feel for this girl, she's had such a rough time of it. Anyway, they start kissing, which Jessica interupts with a HUGE yawn, because it's almost time for the sun and she needs to to go bed. Hoyt offers to go with her, but she's like "OMG NO" because it's gross down there and Hoyt, sweetheart that he is says he'll just have to build them a tricked out double-wide. Welcome to redneckville, people. They kiss some more and Jessica gets into her hidey hole and Hoyt sits outside like a stalker/creeper good boyfriend and sings to her, which, actually is kinda sweet.
Now we're back at SOOKIE'S HOUSE, yeah, that's right, not Maryann's house or Tara's house, but SOOKIE'S HOUSE and Tara and Eggs are assesing their injuries and Maryann walkes in and calls them hippies and accuses them of dropping acid. If only they were so lucky. Tara says that blacking out is embarassing and her mamma did it all the time and she's a certified black out expert. Maryann is all "blah, blah, blah, higher state, blah, blah, blah, running nekkid in the street, blah, blah, blah." I'm so over this, NEXT SCENE PLEASE!!
We have this really nice, 15 second scene where we're back in jail and all the crazy's are yelling at Bud and Sam gets's really mad and says he has no evidence, which, you know, he doesn't.
Back in Dallas, Sookie is still in her pajamas for once, gets out of bed and leaves the room. Bill won't be very happy. We see her knocking on the door and look!, Jason! Sookie can't sleep and Jason says "join the club" and we all know that Jason is not wearing anything under that robe, so, yes, I would like to join this club, KTHANXBAI! Now we're sitting on Jason's bed, having a heart to heart about why Jason joined the Fellowship and he says because they made him feel like he wasn't nothing. Sookie says about how they love him in Bon Temps and she was just a throwaway and they throught he hung the moon. Jason says all they liked was his "athletics, good looks, and sex abilities" JASON STACKHOUSE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?!?!? Anyway, Sookie brings up Gran, which Jason won't talk about because it hurts too much and Sookie says we have to talk about her, so we can remember her and she stays in their hearts. Might I point out that at about this time, I have tears streaming down my face and I had to pause to I could IM my friend and YELL tell her about my tears. Back to Sookie and Jason, Sookie tells Jason she still loves him even though sometimes she wants to "put his head in a bucket and kick it around the yard." Jason tells Sookie that he loves her even though she doesn't cook all that much for him and she's not normal. Awwww.... more tears guys... and then they both go "well, now I'm exhausted" and they turn on the TV and they flip channels to find....
It's Preacher and Preacher's Wife, wielder of Holy Hand Jobs!! They're yelling at Nan Flanigan about how Godric wanted to be taken and Nan is like, whatever. Then Preacher's Wife starts going on about how they're fighting for "God's green earth, daytime, and Christmas, and Easter eggs, and all that is sacred and good." *raises hand* I have a question... WHAT THE FUCK DOES CHRISTMAS AND EASTER EGGS HAVE TO DO WITH VAMPIRES??? I'm just saying. Anyway, Preacher cuts her off and she gets all pissy and they fight and Nan Flanigan is in the background saying "Honestly, how can you have a meaningful dialogue with these people?" and Preacher's Wife tells Preacher she hates his hair: PWN! Jason called them a "witch, and a sonofabitch". Go Jason!!
Merlotte's is hopping and Arlene is running around like a chicken with her head cut off and some rednecks women want to see the freezer where Daphne was found. Arlene tells them to go eat road kill and takes their food. A man comes up behind her and and she asks what he wants and he says that a knife, a fork, and a spoon would be nice and she tells him they're in the back, go get them yourself. Then the phone rings and it's Lisa and she doesn't know what to make and Arlene tells her she doesn't care that Colby will eat cat food if you put mayo on it. LOL, EW. Lafayette comes out to the bar and gets his drink on and give Arlene a shot too and tells her he'll look out for her if she looks out for him. And that, is why I love Lafayette. Anyways, Arlene goes back to the kicten where she has a break down in front of Terry because he's being more peculiar towards her because she date-raped might have had sex with him. Guess what, Terry doesn't know what they did either, thank God.
And trouble walks into the bar in the form of Tara and Eggs, who still have bruised faces. Lafayette sees this and goes into Protective!Lafayette mode and flips the FUCK out because he thinks Eggs beat her up, which he did. Tara tries to talk him down, but it doesn't work. Eggs says he doesn't hit women, that he knows about. Protective!Lafayette tells Eggs he's gonna beat his ass and Eggs, who might have, at this point, upstaged Bill for the Grade A Douche award says Lafayette should take the eyelashes off of his eyes. I would just like to take the time to say, as the best friend of someone in the gay community, I was offended by his remark, and I'm glad Protective!Lafayette kicks the shit out of Eggs later. Anyway, Lafayette makes a good point when he says "You've been kicked and punched your whole life and then you're gonna get with this motherfucker." *applauds loudly* Thank you, Lafayette. I agree. He continues by saying that he's poison, he's never going to change, and he just might wind up killing Tara. This stes Eggs off and guess what he does... In the process of trying to get to Lafayette, who Tara is standing in front of, Eggs slaps Tara. Classy, oh so classy. Tara breaks up the fight, pushes Eggs out the door and Lafayette yells at everyone watching and calls them "necks", as in short for rednecks, which they are. I love Bon Temps!
Now we're with Hoyt and his racist mamma. I won't go into detail in this scene, but I would just like to say that I would love to hug Hoyt for standing up to his mamma and telling her she's a nasty ass bitach and he's a grown assed man. Bravo, Hoyt! The othr thing that would have made this scene better, was if he hadn't take the sanwhich on his way out.
AND NOW WE ARE AT THE BEST FUCKING PART OF THE EPISODE, WHICH I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE IT EXCITES ME. SOOKIE IS IN BED, NOW NEKKID AND SHE'S RESTLESS AND SHE ROLLS OVER AND NOW WE'RE IN HER DREAM.... I SMELL GOOD THINGS COMING!! SHE ROLLS BACK OVER (WITH AN APPEARANCE BY BEWB 1) AND *ONG* IT'S ERIC!!NEKKID!IN BED!!WITH SOOKIE!!! GAWD, I LOVE THIS SHOW. ANYWAY, THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT WHY SOOKIE WON'T MAKE A GOOD VAMPIRE (BECAUSE SHE WOULD FEEL LOST WITHOUT HER TAN, SHALLOW MUCH?) BY THE WAY, WHILE WATCHING THIS, I WAS FLAILING TOO MCUH TO ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS ALL ABOUT WHY SOOKIE WOULD AND WOULD NOT MAKE A GOOD VAMPIRE. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, AND DISTRACTED BY NEKKID ASKARS! THIS SCENE, GAWD, I ALMOST DIED. PERFECT, EXCEPT FOR THE APPERANCE BY LORENA. IF SHE SHOWED UP IN MY DREAM, I'D BE TELLING A BITCH TO GTFO. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! THIS SCENE IS MADE OF WIN, AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S REALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
And then Sookie wakes up, realizes it was a dream, and snuggles up to Bill, yeah, like that's going to save you from becoming Eric's lover.
Okay, I am calm, I swear! NEKKID!ERIC! Okay, now I am calm. Where was I? Oh, yes, Maryann again. Now, I don't like her, but might I saw that her shoes she's wearing with that outfit are to die for??? Back to the plot... Maryann wants Sam, puts the Sheriff under her spell, finds out that Sam escaped and let's all the crazies out of jail. What a dumbass bitch.
Back over at Merlotte's Hoyt and Jessica are attempting to have dinner with Maxine, who's just not having any of it, and Jessica brings up red shoes. *groans inwardly* Anyway, Maxine gets all defensive, and so does Jessica and Maxine makes Jessica cry by throwing it up in her face that she can't give Hoyt babies. What a fucking bitch. And we discover Maxine is a blossoming alcoholic. Great, because Jane Bodehouse wasn't enough!
HOUSE OF BEATDOWN! Lafaette and Lettie Mae show up to steal Tara away from Maryann. Maryann, being the bitch she is, tried to tempt Lettie Mae with alcohol. Lettie Mae refuses (I'm so proud of her) and Tara gets her black eyes on and goes after Lettie Mae while Eggs gets his black eyes on and goes after Lafayette, who totally brings the beat down and kick the shit out of Eggs! GO LAFAYETTE! Lafayette picks Tara up over his shoulder and he and Lettie Mae run her out to the car, stuff her in, and drive away, much to Maryann's dismay. Oh, there's Sam *waves* Hai there, Sam!
Bad ass bitch Nan Flanigan, who is not as nice as she appears on the TV, is busy yelling at Godric and Isabel, and Eric, and Bill, basically every vampire that was at the FotS the night before. Why do all of the vampires on the show dress in cliche black? Except for Pam, cause bitch has taste. Back to Nan Flanigan and he swearing; while Nan is yelling at everyone, Sookie is giving Eric the "seksi" eyes. YES!! Godric tells everyone that he went willingly to FotS and all the vampires in the room, especially Eric, are all like, WTF, BITCH BE CRAZY! Eric calls Nan a cold bitch and she was like "Listen, you may be a viking, bit bitch I will kick your ass, now STFU!!" Godric is fired, he nominates Isabel, because, hey, she had nothing to do with his fuck up. Eric calls Nan a bitch, and she really does call him a Viking this time and he says she can't take away his area, and she basically says watch me. EPIC!!!
Back at Merlotte's, crazy ass bitch #1 storms in and goes crazy and demands as Sam as a sacrifice. Everyone in Merlotte's get their black eyes on... OH SHIT!!
Now we're at a sleazy looking motel and there's a fly on a doorknob, *OH HAI DERE, SAM!* Inside the room is Andy doing, guess what, drinking. There's a knock at the door and outside is NEKKID!SAM and Andy let's him in. I like show Andy so much more right now than book Andy.
Back in Dallas, Godric apologizes and says he will make amends and Nan is like "no need to go emo, just give us your John Hancock on a few papers" although everyone else in the room knows what he's talking about. Eric thinks Godric is crazy and Godric tells him to meet him on the roof. And then look, Grade A Douche Bill is back. Because everything is about Bill, he steps in front of Eric and says "we have a score to settle" and Eric is like "not now" and Bill is like "yes now" and punches him. WHAT A FUCKING BAD OF DOUCHE! SO CLASSY, BILL, SO CLASSY. Eric is like "whatever, you failed, I am a part of her. PWN" and walks out. Bill and Sookie are left alone and Sookie says she wants to go find Godric. Bill doesn't understand why and gets his protective pants on and says she doesn't need too, and it's none of her business. HE SAVED HER FUCKING LIFE, YOU ASSHOLE!! Sookie explains why she needs to go and Bill puts another pair of protective pants on and is like "not without me" Sookie isn't having any of that and says she won't take that chance with his life. He calls her "tenderhearted" which she is, most of the time on the show, all of the time in the books.
Now we're on the roof, where Sookie finds Godric and Eric and Eric is pleading for his maker to reconsider. This scene totally touched my heart, and I'm glad Sookie got to see it, because it shows that Eric isn't as heartless as she thinks. Eric pleads for Godric to reconsider and Godric says no and then Eric wants to die with him, and Godric says no. "As your maker, I command you". I think I've figured out that these words must have some sort of compulsion that you must follow, or else. Kind of like the house thing, where they have to be invited in, and if you rescind their invitation, out they go. Eric, after being commanded, walks towards the stairs and stops in front of Sookie. She takes his hand *SQUEEEE* and says she'll stay with him, no matter how long it takes. Eric leaves and Sookie approaches Godric and tells him he was a dumbass for the FotS thing. He agrees. They have a heart to heart about God and whether or not he'll forgive Godric. Sookie is afraid for Godric and is bawling her eyes out (me too) an Godric is surprised, for one of the few times in his 2000 years: a human with him at the end, crying human tears for him. In this, he sees God. The sun starts coming up and Godric shoos Sookie away from him and he takes off his shirt and walks towards the light (no tunnel jokes, please). He turned blue and sparkly and *POOF* is gone. *cut to credits*
Thank you, folks, I'll be here all week.
Station: HBO
Timeslot: Sunday's an 9pm (EST)
HI! First, I would like to flail about a few things: NEKKIED ERIC, MARYANN'S HBIC SHOES, LAFAYETTE, NEKKID ERIC! Now that we have that out of the way, onto the show.
Where do we start, oh, where we left off, in Dallas, at Godric's lair with Douche!Luke dressed up a a suicide bomber. Ooooh, no, then we cut to outside where Grade A Douche!Bill is with Lorena and he tells her that she may be immortal, but she is dead to him. And then she says, "I wish you hadn't said that." I'm glad, maybe now she'll take Bill out of the picture. Anyway, we go back inside where Douche!Luke reveals the bomb and Sookie gets startled and Bill's SookieSense goes off and then *KABLEWIE* BOMB!! Bill runs inside, looking for Sookie, and is even rude enough to push an injured vampire out of the way, like I said, Grade A Douche. Might I just take this time to say I think they over did it wit the vampire goo, maybe a tad too much. Bill finds Sookie, under Eric to tells him that she's not hurt, just stunned, because Eric is a real standup guy and shielded Sookie with his body. Eric tells Bill to take care of the humans, and Bill turns around to see a guy with a crossbow. Bill chases them, pulls a guy out of the van and ooh, guess what, drinks his blood. Real classy, Bill.
THEME SONG!!
We're back at Ground 0 and we see Godric and Isabel coming out from behind a wall. Isabel, being the nice vamprie she is, actually helps the wounded, instead of pushing them out of the way. Sookie pushes Eric off of her, claiming not being able to breathe because Eric weighs a ton (well, he's a 6'6'' tall, muscular, Viking vampire, of course he weighs a ton). Sookie sits up and yells for Jason, who appears from behind the fireplace. He stands up and give Sookie 2 thumbs up and a goofy smile. (Oh Jason Stackhouse, how I love you). Sookie then turns back to Eric, and here is where the fun begins. Let me loosly paraphrase"
"OH NOES, ERIC!"
"I HAD TO SHIELD YOU"
"WELL HURRY UP AND GET HEALED, I NOES YOU CAN"
"I CAN'T, SILVER"
"I'LL GO GET GODRIC"
"NO, YOU GOTTA DO IT, SUCK IT OUT"
"BUT IT'S GROSS, AND IT'S YOU"
"BITCH, I'M DYING"
"SON OF A MOTHER FUCKER"
Okay, she didn't actually say fucker, but you know that would have been next. And listen, if Eric Northman wanted me to suck something out of him, I'd be all over that. Anyway, Sookie obliges and sucks a bullet out of his neck and spits it out. Eric tells Sookie there is another one, and she is baffled and disgusted. WHY WOULD YOU SAY NO, SOOKIE, WHY??? And, we can tell there in that moment, that Eric played Sookie for a sucker, because he watched her suck on his chest and then leaned back and smiled. Eric Northman, I love you!!
Oh, look, it's Grade A Douche again. And he shows mercy... wow, I'm shocked. Back to Jason who is surverying the damage and what's this? FUCKING DOUCHE!LUKE'S HAND, ON THE GROUND, EWWWWWWWW. AND JASON GOES TO TOUCH IT. WTF! JASON? Look, who's finally coming back inside, it's Grade A Douche! Hehe, and he walks in on Sookie, still working at Eric's chesticle, and Eric is propping his head up on his arm and smirking. Bill's like all WTF? And Sookie was like, I saved his life, even though I didn't want too. Here's something I would like to point out; Eric didn't have to save Sookie, if she thinks he such horrible, evil person, why would he put himself in front of her, potentially putting his life in danger? So, why would you think it was such a bad thing to save his life? Bill's being a bad influence on Sookie. Anyway, Bill explain that Eric was already healing and that the silver would have popped out eventually and Sookie is all stunned. Really, that surprsies you? Can I just point out that I absolutely love the vampire goo sliding down the wall in this scene, you stay classy True Blood. And, we go from "son of a mother fucker" to a-hole. Not asshole, a-hole. Thank you for the lulz, Sookie. So, Bill's pissed and Eric and Sookie are connected, and Eric is pleased. What else is new?
Now we're back at the Hotel Carmilla where Bill is being a Grade A Douche. This whole scene makes me very pissed at Bill, and I do not wish to talk about it. I can't wait for Sookie to break up with him.
Back at the house of Virgins 4Ever, Jessica and Hoyt are discudding the neverending hymen. :D
Jessica continues with her sob story and says to Hoyt that they should break up. Hoyt is like "DNW" and tells her that she never laughed at him, and everyone else has and that is why he loves her. He also tells her that he wants her to meet his mama, and you can hear everyone across America watching True Blood go "AWWWWWWW" and she's so excited, but he says don't be because his mama's a racist and she would be lucky is Maxine doesn't talk to her at all. Poor Jessica, I mean, I really feel for this girl, she's had such a rough time of it. Anyway, they start kissing, which Jessica interupts with a HUGE yawn, because it's almost time for the sun and she needs to to go bed. Hoyt offers to go with her, but she's like "OMG NO" because it's gross down there and Hoyt, sweetheart that he is says he'll just have to build them a tricked out double-wide. Welcome to redneckville, people. They kiss some more and Jessica gets into her hidey hole and Hoyt sits outside like a stalker/creeper good boyfriend and sings to her, which, actually is kinda sweet.
Now we're back at SOOKIE'S HOUSE, yeah, that's right, not Maryann's house or Tara's house, but SOOKIE'S HOUSE and Tara and Eggs are assesing their injuries and Maryann walkes in and calls them hippies and accuses them of dropping acid. If only they were so lucky. Tara says that blacking out is embarassing and her mamma did it all the time and she's a certified black out expert. Maryann is all "blah, blah, blah, higher state, blah, blah, blah, running nekkid in the street, blah, blah, blah." I'm so over this, NEXT SCENE PLEASE!!
We have this really nice, 15 second scene where we're back in jail and all the crazy's are yelling at Bud and Sam gets's really mad and says he has no evidence, which, you know, he doesn't.
Back in Dallas, Sookie is still in her pajamas for once, gets out of bed and leaves the room. Bill won't be very happy. We see her knocking on the door and look!, Jason! Sookie can't sleep and Jason says "join the club" and we all know that Jason is not wearing anything under that robe, so, yes, I would like to join this club, KTHANXBAI! Now we're sitting on Jason's bed, having a heart to heart about why Jason joined the Fellowship and he says because they made him feel like he wasn't nothing. Sookie says about how they love him in Bon Temps and she was just a throwaway and they throught he hung the moon. Jason says all they liked was his "athletics, good looks, and sex abilities" JASON STACKHOUSE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?!?!? Anyway, Sookie brings up Gran, which Jason won't talk about because it hurts too much and Sookie says we have to talk about her, so we can remember her and she stays in their hearts. Might I point out that at about this time, I have tears streaming down my face and I had to pause to I could IM my friend and YELL tell her about my tears. Back to Sookie and Jason, Sookie tells Jason she still loves him even though sometimes she wants to "put his head in a bucket and kick it around the yard." Jason tells Sookie that he loves her even though she doesn't cook all that much for him and she's not normal. Awwww.... more tears guys... and then they both go "well, now I'm exhausted" and they turn on the TV and they flip channels to find....
It's Preacher and Preacher's Wife, wielder of Holy Hand Jobs!! They're yelling at Nan Flanigan about how Godric wanted to be taken and Nan is like, whatever. Then Preacher's Wife starts going on about how they're fighting for "God's green earth, daytime, and Christmas, and Easter eggs, and all that is sacred and good." *raises hand* I have a question... WHAT THE FUCK DOES CHRISTMAS AND EASTER EGGS HAVE TO DO WITH VAMPIRES??? I'm just saying. Anyway, Preacher cuts her off and she gets all pissy and they fight and Nan Flanigan is in the background saying "Honestly, how can you have a meaningful dialogue with these people?" and Preacher's Wife tells Preacher she hates his hair: PWN! Jason called them a "witch, and a sonofabitch". Go Jason!!
Merlotte's is hopping and Arlene is running around like a chicken with her head cut off and some rednecks women want to see the freezer where Daphne was found. Arlene tells them to go eat road kill and takes their food. A man comes up behind her and and she asks what he wants and he says that a knife, a fork, and a spoon would be nice and she tells him they're in the back, go get them yourself. Then the phone rings and it's Lisa and she doesn't know what to make and Arlene tells her she doesn't care that Colby will eat cat food if you put mayo on it. LOL, EW. Lafayette comes out to the bar and gets his drink on and give Arlene a shot too and tells her he'll look out for her if she looks out for him. And that, is why I love Lafayette. Anyways, Arlene goes back to the kicten where she has a break down in front of Terry because he's being more peculiar towards her because she date-raped might have had sex with him. Guess what, Terry doesn't know what they did either, thank God.
And trouble walks into the bar in the form of Tara and Eggs, who still have bruised faces. Lafayette sees this and goes into Protective!Lafayette mode and flips the FUCK out because he thinks Eggs beat her up, which he did. Tara tries to talk him down, but it doesn't work. Eggs says he doesn't hit women, that he knows about. Protective!Lafayette tells Eggs he's gonna beat his ass and Eggs, who might have, at this point, upstaged Bill for the Grade A Douche award says Lafayette should take the eyelashes off of his eyes. I would just like to take the time to say, as the best friend of someone in the gay community, I was offended by his remark, and I'm glad Protective!Lafayette kicks the shit out of Eggs later. Anyway, Lafayette makes a good point when he says "You've been kicked and punched your whole life and then you're gonna get with this motherfucker." *applauds loudly* Thank you, Lafayette. I agree. He continues by saying that he's poison, he's never going to change, and he just might wind up killing Tara. This stes Eggs off and guess what he does... In the process of trying to get to Lafayette, who Tara is standing in front of, Eggs slaps Tara. Classy, oh so classy. Tara breaks up the fight, pushes Eggs out the door and Lafayette yells at everyone watching and calls them "necks", as in short for rednecks, which they are. I love Bon Temps!
Now we're with Hoyt and his racist mamma. I won't go into detail in this scene, but I would just like to say that I would love to hug Hoyt for standing up to his mamma and telling her she's a nasty ass bitach and he's a grown assed man. Bravo, Hoyt! The othr thing that would have made this scene better, was if he hadn't take the sanwhich on his way out.
AND NOW WE ARE AT THE BEST FUCKING PART OF THE EPISODE, WHICH I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE IT EXCITES ME. SOOKIE IS IN BED, NOW NEKKID AND SHE'S RESTLESS AND SHE ROLLS OVER AND NOW WE'RE IN HER DREAM.... I SMELL GOOD THINGS COMING!! SHE ROLLS BACK OVER (WITH AN APPEARANCE BY BEWB 1) AND *ONG* IT'S ERIC!!NEKKID!IN BED!!WITH SOOKIE!!! GAWD, I LOVE THIS SHOW. ANYWAY, THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT WHY SOOKIE WON'T MAKE A GOOD VAMPIRE (BECAUSE SHE WOULD FEEL LOST WITHOUT HER TAN, SHALLOW MUCH?) BY THE WAY, WHILE WATCHING THIS, I WAS FLAILING TOO MCUH TO ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS ALL ABOUT WHY SOOKIE WOULD AND WOULD NOT MAKE A GOOD VAMPIRE. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, AND DISTRACTED BY NEKKID ASKARS! THIS SCENE, GAWD, I ALMOST DIED. PERFECT, EXCEPT FOR THE APPERANCE BY LORENA. IF SHE SHOWED UP IN MY DREAM, I'D BE TELLING A BITCH TO GTFO. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! THIS SCENE IS MADE OF WIN, AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S REALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
And then Sookie wakes up, realizes it was a dream, and snuggles up to Bill, yeah, like that's going to save you from becoming Eric's lover.
Okay, I am calm, I swear! NEKKID!ERIC! Okay, now I am calm. Where was I? Oh, yes, Maryann again. Now, I don't like her, but might I saw that her shoes she's wearing with that outfit are to die for??? Back to the plot... Maryann wants Sam, puts the Sheriff under her spell, finds out that Sam escaped and let's all the crazies out of jail. What a dumbass bitch.
Back over at Merlotte's Hoyt and Jessica are attempting to have dinner with Maxine, who's just not having any of it, and Jessica brings up red shoes. *groans inwardly* Anyway, Maxine gets all defensive, and so does Jessica and Maxine makes Jessica cry by throwing it up in her face that she can't give Hoyt babies. What a fucking bitch. And we discover Maxine is a blossoming alcoholic. Great, because Jane Bodehouse wasn't enough!
HOUSE OF BEATDOWN! Lafaette and Lettie Mae show up to steal Tara away from Maryann. Maryann, being the bitch she is, tried to tempt Lettie Mae with alcohol. Lettie Mae refuses (I'm so proud of her) and Tara gets her black eyes on and goes after Lettie Mae while Eggs gets his black eyes on and goes after Lafayette, who totally brings the beat down and kick the shit out of Eggs! GO LAFAYETTE! Lafayette picks Tara up over his shoulder and he and Lettie Mae run her out to the car, stuff her in, and drive away, much to Maryann's dismay. Oh, there's Sam *waves* Hai there, Sam!
Bad ass bitch Nan Flanigan, who is not as nice as she appears on the TV, is busy yelling at Godric and Isabel, and Eric, and Bill, basically every vampire that was at the FotS the night before. Why do all of the vampires on the show dress in cliche black? Except for Pam, cause bitch has taste. Back to Nan Flanigan and he swearing; while Nan is yelling at everyone, Sookie is giving Eric the "seksi" eyes. YES!! Godric tells everyone that he went willingly to FotS and all the vampires in the room, especially Eric, are all like, WTF, BITCH BE CRAZY! Eric calls Nan a cold bitch and she was like "Listen, you may be a viking, bit bitch I will kick your ass, now STFU!!" Godric is fired, he nominates Isabel, because, hey, she had nothing to do with his fuck up. Eric calls Nan a bitch, and she really does call him a Viking this time and he says she can't take away his area, and she basically says watch me. EPIC!!!
Back at Merlotte's, crazy ass bitch #1 storms in and goes crazy and demands as Sam as a sacrifice. Everyone in Merlotte's get their black eyes on... OH SHIT!!
Now we're at a sleazy looking motel and there's a fly on a doorknob, *OH HAI DERE, SAM!* Inside the room is Andy doing, guess what, drinking. There's a knock at the door and outside is NEKKID!SAM and Andy let's him in. I like show Andy so much more right now than book Andy.
Back in Dallas, Godric apologizes and says he will make amends and Nan is like "no need to go emo, just give us your John Hancock on a few papers" although everyone else in the room knows what he's talking about. Eric thinks Godric is crazy and Godric tells him to meet him on the roof. And then look, Grade A Douche Bill is back. Because everything is about Bill, he steps in front of Eric and says "we have a score to settle" and Eric is like "not now" and Bill is like "yes now" and punches him. WHAT A FUCKING BAD OF DOUCHE! SO CLASSY, BILL, SO CLASSY. Eric is like "whatever, you failed, I am a part of her. PWN" and walks out. Bill and Sookie are left alone and Sookie says she wants to go find Godric. Bill doesn't understand why and gets his protective pants on and says she doesn't need too, and it's none of her business. HE SAVED HER FUCKING LIFE, YOU ASSHOLE!! Sookie explains why she needs to go and Bill puts another pair of protective pants on and is like "not without me" Sookie isn't having any of that and says she won't take that chance with his life. He calls her "tenderhearted" which she is, most of the time on the show, all of the time in the books.
Now we're on the roof, where Sookie finds Godric and Eric and Eric is pleading for his maker to reconsider. This scene totally touched my heart, and I'm glad Sookie got to see it, because it shows that Eric isn't as heartless as she thinks. Eric pleads for Godric to reconsider and Godric says no and then Eric wants to die with him, and Godric says no. "As your maker, I command you". I think I've figured out that these words must have some sort of compulsion that you must follow, or else. Kind of like the house thing, where they have to be invited in, and if you rescind their invitation, out they go. Eric, after being commanded, walks towards the stairs and stops in front of Sookie. She takes his hand *SQUEEEE* and says she'll stay with him, no matter how long it takes. Eric leaves and Sookie approaches Godric and tells him he was a dumbass for the FotS thing. He agrees. They have a heart to heart about God and whether or not he'll forgive Godric. Sookie is afraid for Godric and is bawling her eyes out (me too) an Godric is surprised, for one of the few times in his 2000 years: a human with him at the end, crying human tears for him. In this, he sees God. The sun starts coming up and Godric shoos Sookie away from him and he takes off his shirt and walks towards the light (no tunnel jokes, please). He turned blue and sparkly and *POOF* is gone. *cut to credits*
Thank you, folks, I'll be here all week.