(no subject)
another story, by me, and the man in my head
I’ve had my heart broken so many times, I’ve lost count. The last time it was broken, I learned a valuable lesson: don’t fall in love. Actually, I learned a couple lessons about love:
® If it can be helped, don’t fall in love
® Don’t EVER tell anyone you’re in love.
I stopped trusting people around the time he broke my heart. I trust no one. I love no one. Trust appears to be so important, yet so many people abuse the trust they are given, and those who give it, seem to trust people too much. Don’t ever expect me to trust anyone again. I stopped trusting my friends, thanks to this.
No matter what, I always end up hurt. This is why I stopped trusting people. Those I trusted most, hurt me worst. I refuse to tell anyone my secrets. Anyone.
I write everything down. I hardly ever talk. I observe mostly. Observe and write, that’s about it. I know a lot about him. He claims he doesn’t get nervous anymore. But he always got this look in his eyes back when he did, and he still gets that look. All the time. What would he say if he knew I knew? I read people. That’s for sure. And I definitely read him.
People say too much to everyone. Especially people they don’t know well. Stupid fucks. I’ve said way too much already. Yet there is so much I haven’t said.
“Frank?” He says, waving his hand in front of my face.
“What?” I say shaking my head and looking up.
“You alright?” He loves pretending we’re still close…I hate him.
“I’m fine.” I snap.
“Alright. You just look pissed, that’s all.” He says, backing off and going back to his magazine…yeah, it is….you totally got that one on the nose. Fucking porn addict.
I get up and walk over to Mikey. If I really did trust anyone, Mikey would be the one. I don’t trust him though. But there’s something about his brown eyes that make me feel like he knows what I’m going through. Like he’s felt it too. He’s like me. He doesn’t trust anyone. I talk to him, if I talk to anyone. I seem to have a…weakness, for lack of a better word, for Mikey. I don’t love him…I can just talk to him.
“Hey Mikey.” I say, sitting down.
“Hey, what’s up?” Mikey is a little more lenient than I am about telling people things…for the record.
“Nothing too much. Your brother is a porn addict.” I say, bluntly.
“Really?” He asks, surprised.
“Duh.” I say.
“How do you know?”
“He reads discretely.” I say, laughing. “And he hides whatever he reads in a notebook, or another magazine.”
“I see.” He says, laughing. “So, is that why he was so keen to tape you two fucking?”
I glared at him. He stopped immediately, knowing he struck a nerve, and hurt our non-trust bond.
“Sorry…” He said, looking down.
“Just forget that ok?” I say, sharply.
“Forgotten.” He says. His eyes look sad, and I can tell he really does feel bad. He’s also slumped back in his chair, which he only does when he’s scared, upset, or sad.
“So…” I say, trying to change the subject. “How’s your new bass line going?”
“Fine.” He says shortly. He’s upset now…maybe scared he’ll make me mad again. Fuck. Nothing to talk about now. “So…Gee said you were trying to write lyrics?”
I nodded. “They’re nothing special.”
“Can I see them?”
Not yet, I think, they aren’t done.
“I’m not done yet. I’ll show you when I am though.”
He nodded. “Ok.”
Out of topics again. Why is it so hard? Why must it be so damn hard to talk to mikey? He’s just another person…just like me. He knows just as well as I do. We should be able to talk about those things.
“Mikey, what made you stop trusting people?” I asked….could this be straining our trust free relationship?
“Lots of things.” He said, slumping back into his chair.
“Like what?” I ask….dammit….now I’m curious. Mother fucker.
He shrugged. “People just stopped treating me right….breaking promises, breaking my heart….my bones…..”He stopped and looked like he was in a trance, staring out the window of the bus. This made me really wonder what had happened to Mikey. Had he had a similar thing happen to him? Could we relate better than we thought? I must find out!
“So…uh…I’m rather curious now, how did this happen to you?” Woah…did I just say that? Fuck…I am taking this way too far.
He shrugged. “I always got bullied and pushed around…and it just got worse after high school. I guess the last relationship I was in really cemented it. My boyfriend decided to push me out of a moving car instead of telling me he didn’t want to see me anymore.”
“Wow….I would’ve kicked his ass.” I was now in shock. Poor mikey. No! bad! No sympathy! No, no no!
“I would have too, if I wasn’t in the hospital because of it.” He sounded sad that he didn’t beat this guy up. “Did anything besides Gee happen to you?”
“People just kept pissing me off….breaking promises….Then Gee came along, and well, he fit in with the rest of my boyfriends, he took advantage of me, he was totally just using me, he never really cared. All he wanted was money for crack.”
“Are you serious?” He asked, he seemed surprised.
“What? You didn’t think Gee would do that, am I right?” I said sarcastically. Everyone reacted the same way. In disbelief, like he would never do that. Like he’s too good for that. And on and on and on.
“No, that just….If I were you, I would’ve killed him by now.” He said, laughing. I laughed too. His brown eyes sparkled whenever he laughed. What is it about him that makes him so different. I mean besides the face that like me, he trusts no one. He understands everything. Everything. He reads me. I can tell. He hides everything to well. He’s the only person I can’t read well.
“Well. I have things to do.” I say, standing up. I didn’t really have anything to do. I just needed to get away and think, these feelings were different than my normal feelings towards mikey. There was something very weird about them. It felt like….no, no there is no way in hell it was that. I can’t let that happen. He’s the only person I could trust. Besides….I don’t have feelings like that for anyone. I can’t feel like that about anyone. That’ll ruin me. I’m happy for once. Nobody hurts me, nobody breaks promises, nobody fucks shit up for me. There is no way in hell this is happening again! No. It won’t.
So, for the past few weeks, I’ve been avoiding mikey. Completely. I haven’t said a word to him. He’s tried to ask me what’s going on a few times. I just ignored him….for 3 weeks. Then I decided to talk to him again. I walked over to where he was reading in the bus, and sat down next to him.
“Hey Mikey, sorry I’ve been ignoring you like that…I just needed to think about a lot of things. And, you’re not the only person I ignored, so….It’s not just you or anything.” I said, trying to explain the best I could. But, why did I sound like a bumbling idiot? Usually I got straight to the point…God, what the hell is wrong with me lately?!
“It’s alright.” He said, putting his book down. “Uh…can I…ask you something?” He said, he sounded awkward.
“I guess so.” I said, shrugging. What could he possibly need to ask me?
“You said you don’t trust anyone because of what Gee did, right?”
I nod. “Not just him, there were a lot of people that screwed me over.”
“That’s not the point here. Would you ever trust anyone? Ever?” He asked.
“No.” I said bluntly. He can’t find out that if I did trust anyone, it would be him. Or, that I’m having second thoughts about trusting people.
“Oh…Ok…” He said, looking sad.
“Why?” I ask. One thing I’ve learned about not trusting people, is in order to stay your boundaries (not trusting them) you should NEVER. EVER be curious. I have just broken my own rule.
“Well, I know I never said I’d trust anyone after what happened to me?”
I nodded again.
“Well….I’m starting to change my mind….Frank.”
I raised an eyebrow. Dammit. The one person who felt the same way as I do! He’s going to the dark side! Why?! The one person. The only person who knows how I feel.
“Well, I know you won’t trust me back, but Frank, I really feel like I can trust you.”
Why me? Why? “Alright….I really don’t know what to say…”
“Mikey….”
“Yeah?”
“Before I say anything, if you tell anyone. ANYONE what I’m about to say, I will hurt you. Badly.”
Mikey nodded, looking scared now.
“If I did trust anyone. Which I DON’T. I would probably trust you.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because, Mikey, you know how I feel. You can relate.”
He nodded in understanding. Ok, now that we got that cleared up…on to the next task.
“Mikey?”
“Yeah, Frank?”
“You ever get…lonely?”
“Yeah. All the time.”
“Really?”
“Yup.”
That’s when I did it. I leaned over and kissed him. And…to my surprise….he kissed me back! We just sat there, deepening the kiss, until he broke away for air.
“Frank?”
“Yeah, mikey?”
“What are we doing?”
“I dunno, mikey, but I like it.”
“Me too.”
“you know this is totally screwing over our bond right?”
He nodded and climbed on top of me.
“Know what?”
“Hmm?” I said, kissing his neck.
He moaned and said: “I don’t really care though. This is way better.”
I just nodded and bit down on his neck. He moaned and tugged at my shirt. I detached myself from his neck long enough to get the shirt over my head and remove his. I kissed down his chest, running my hands over his back. He moaned and pulled me back up to kiss me again. I kissed him, letting my tongue slide out to explore his bottom lip. Mikey sucked my tongue into his mouth, and let his own explore mine.
I slid my hand down his chest, letting it stop at the waist-band of his jeans. After a moment of letting my hand rest there, I began to work at the button and zipper of his jeans. Once his jeans were gone, my hand slid down his boxers. I ran my fingers over his erection, eliciting a nice throaty moan from him. His hands were now furiously trying to get my pants down. I lifted my hips to give him a better chance to remove my pants. Once they were gone, he practically tore my boxers off.
“Wait.” I said, stopping him. I stood up and pulled him into my bunk and closing the curtains. As soon as they were closed, his mouth was attached to my neck and my hand was back down his boxers, jerking him off. Mikey was biting his lip, trying to keep from making too much noise. A few minutes later and he was kissing down my chest to my exposed erection. He kissed every possible inch of my skin that he could before moving to take me in. I bit my lip in my best attempt to keep quiet. I writhed underneath him, my hands finding his hair quickly. I tugged hard on his hair, and thrust into his mouth, making him moan around me. I continued tugging on his hair until I forced his head back up and kissed him hard.
“Fuck me.”
“What?” He said, panting.
“You heard me!”
Mikey obliged and shoved two saliva coated fingers into my ass and scissored them. I accidentally let a moan slip and quickly bit my lip. When I felt Mikey remove his fingers, I groaned and braced myself for what was to come.
I felt Mikey push into me and bit my lip, hard to keep from moaning again. Mikey started thrusting in and out, going harder with each thrust and beginning to develop a rhythm. I was biting my lip and thrusting upward to meet each of his thrusts. Mikey leaned down and started kissing me, hard as he finished. I moaned into his mouth and finished as well, getting cum all over our stomachs. Mikey collapsed on top of me. I started kissing him.
“That was amazing.” I said, still out of breath.
Mikey nodded. “Frank, are you gonna tell anyone?”
“Why? Are you?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“I can’t tell anyone either, I don’t really trust anyone.”
“I know.”
We were both quiet for a few minutes.
“Mikey?”
“Yeah?” He said, turning his head to look up at me.
“Can you keep another secret?”
He nodded.
“God, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…lately…I’ve been feeling…..different about…you.”
“Different, how?”
“My feelings….towards you…are different…”
“How, Frank? How are they different?”
“Mikey….I…they just are, ok? That’s all you need to know.”
‘Frank? Are you ok?”
“Don’t you understand yet?!” I said, practically yelling.
“No, apparently not.”
I looked at him. Should I say it? Should I admit to myself that I actually have these feelings?
“You can’t say a word.”
He nods again.
“I…..Iloveyou.” I say, quickly. I can’t believe I said it. I admitted it. There is no way in hell anyone can find out. Anyone.
“Frank….”
I look down at him.
“I….I love you too.”
My eyes must’ve gone wide, because mikey was looking worriedly at me.
“I-I didn’t think you’d….well, you get the idea, right?”
He nodded. “How do you think I felt? Trying to let you know I felt different without saying it.”
“We can’t tell anyone.”
“Right.”
“But….God, this is so stupid. Mikey, I wanna be with you.”
“I got an idea….I think.”
He had my attention with that.
“We can, but…we just don’t actually say to anyone, including ourselves, that we’re together. You get it?”
I nodded.
“That means no ‘I love you’ or PDA either…..while we’re with people.” He said, kissing me.
I nodded and kissed back. This was the beginning of the best relationship of any form, that I’ll ever have.
I’ve had my heart broken so many times, I’ve lost count. The last time it was broken, I learned a valuable lesson: don’t fall in love. Actually, I learned a couple lessons about love:
® If it can be helped, don’t fall in love
® Don’t EVER tell anyone you’re in love.
I stopped trusting people around the time he broke my heart. I trust no one. I love no one. Trust appears to be so important, yet so many people abuse the trust they are given, and those who give it, seem to trust people too much. Don’t ever expect me to trust anyone again. I stopped trusting my friends, thanks to this.
No matter what, I always end up hurt. This is why I stopped trusting people. Those I trusted most, hurt me worst. I refuse to tell anyone my secrets. Anyone.
I write everything down. I hardly ever talk. I observe mostly. Observe and write, that’s about it. I know a lot about him. He claims he doesn’t get nervous anymore. But he always got this look in his eyes back when he did, and he still gets that look. All the time. What would he say if he knew I knew? I read people. That’s for sure. And I definitely read him.
People say too much to everyone. Especially people they don’t know well. Stupid fucks. I’ve said way too much already. Yet there is so much I haven’t said.
“Frank?” He says, waving his hand in front of my face.
“What?” I say shaking my head and looking up.
“You alright?” He loves pretending we’re still close…I hate him.
“I’m fine.” I snap.
“Alright. You just look pissed, that’s all.” He says, backing off and going back to his magazine…yeah, it is….you totally got that one on the nose. Fucking porn addict.
I get up and walk over to Mikey. If I really did trust anyone, Mikey would be the one. I don’t trust him though. But there’s something about his brown eyes that make me feel like he knows what I’m going through. Like he’s felt it too. He’s like me. He doesn’t trust anyone. I talk to him, if I talk to anyone. I seem to have a…weakness, for lack of a better word, for Mikey. I don’t love him…I can just talk to him.
“Hey Mikey.” I say, sitting down.
“Hey, what’s up?” Mikey is a little more lenient than I am about telling people things…for the record.
“Nothing too much. Your brother is a porn addict.” I say, bluntly.
“Really?” He asks, surprised.
“Duh.” I say.
“How do you know?”
“He reads discretely.” I say, laughing. “And he hides whatever he reads in a notebook, or another magazine.”
“I see.” He says, laughing. “So, is that why he was so keen to tape you two fucking?”
I glared at him. He stopped immediately, knowing he struck a nerve, and hurt our non-trust bond.
“Sorry…” He said, looking down.
“Just forget that ok?” I say, sharply.
“Forgotten.” He says. His eyes look sad, and I can tell he really does feel bad. He’s also slumped back in his chair, which he only does when he’s scared, upset, or sad.
“So…” I say, trying to change the subject. “How’s your new bass line going?”
“Fine.” He says shortly. He’s upset now…maybe scared he’ll make me mad again. Fuck. Nothing to talk about now. “So…Gee said you were trying to write lyrics?”
I nodded. “They’re nothing special.”
“Can I see them?”
Not yet, I think, they aren’t done.
“I’m not done yet. I’ll show you when I am though.”
He nodded. “Ok.”
Out of topics again. Why is it so hard? Why must it be so damn hard to talk to mikey? He’s just another person…just like me. He knows just as well as I do. We should be able to talk about those things.
“Mikey, what made you stop trusting people?” I asked….could this be straining our trust free relationship?
“Lots of things.” He said, slumping back into his chair.
“Like what?” I ask….dammit….now I’m curious. Mother fucker.
He shrugged. “People just stopped treating me right….breaking promises, breaking my heart….my bones…..”He stopped and looked like he was in a trance, staring out the window of the bus. This made me really wonder what had happened to Mikey. Had he had a similar thing happen to him? Could we relate better than we thought? I must find out!
“So…uh…I’m rather curious now, how did this happen to you?” Woah…did I just say that? Fuck…I am taking this way too far.
He shrugged. “I always got bullied and pushed around…and it just got worse after high school. I guess the last relationship I was in really cemented it. My boyfriend decided to push me out of a moving car instead of telling me he didn’t want to see me anymore.”
“Wow….I would’ve kicked his ass.” I was now in shock. Poor mikey. No! bad! No sympathy! No, no no!
“I would have too, if I wasn’t in the hospital because of it.” He sounded sad that he didn’t beat this guy up. “Did anything besides Gee happen to you?”
“People just kept pissing me off….breaking promises….Then Gee came along, and well, he fit in with the rest of my boyfriends, he took advantage of me, he was totally just using me, he never really cared. All he wanted was money for crack.”
“Are you serious?” He asked, he seemed surprised.
“What? You didn’t think Gee would do that, am I right?” I said sarcastically. Everyone reacted the same way. In disbelief, like he would never do that. Like he’s too good for that. And on and on and on.
“No, that just….If I were you, I would’ve killed him by now.” He said, laughing. I laughed too. His brown eyes sparkled whenever he laughed. What is it about him that makes him so different. I mean besides the face that like me, he trusts no one. He understands everything. Everything. He reads me. I can tell. He hides everything to well. He’s the only person I can’t read well.
“Well. I have things to do.” I say, standing up. I didn’t really have anything to do. I just needed to get away and think, these feelings were different than my normal feelings towards mikey. There was something very weird about them. It felt like….no, no there is no way in hell it was that. I can’t let that happen. He’s the only person I could trust. Besides….I don’t have feelings like that for anyone. I can’t feel like that about anyone. That’ll ruin me. I’m happy for once. Nobody hurts me, nobody breaks promises, nobody fucks shit up for me. There is no way in hell this is happening again! No. It won’t.
So, for the past few weeks, I’ve been avoiding mikey. Completely. I haven’t said a word to him. He’s tried to ask me what’s going on a few times. I just ignored him….for 3 weeks. Then I decided to talk to him again. I walked over to where he was reading in the bus, and sat down next to him.
“Hey Mikey, sorry I’ve been ignoring you like that…I just needed to think about a lot of things. And, you’re not the only person I ignored, so….It’s not just you or anything.” I said, trying to explain the best I could. But, why did I sound like a bumbling idiot? Usually I got straight to the point…God, what the hell is wrong with me lately?!
“It’s alright.” He said, putting his book down. “Uh…can I…ask you something?” He said, he sounded awkward.
“I guess so.” I said, shrugging. What could he possibly need to ask me?
“You said you don’t trust anyone because of what Gee did, right?”
I nod. “Not just him, there were a lot of people that screwed me over.”
“That’s not the point here. Would you ever trust anyone? Ever?” He asked.
“No.” I said bluntly. He can’t find out that if I did trust anyone, it would be him. Or, that I’m having second thoughts about trusting people.
“Oh…Ok…” He said, looking sad.
“Why?” I ask. One thing I’ve learned about not trusting people, is in order to stay your boundaries (not trusting them) you should NEVER. EVER be curious. I have just broken my own rule.
“Well, I know I never said I’d trust anyone after what happened to me?”
I nodded again.
“Well….I’m starting to change my mind….Frank.”
I raised an eyebrow. Dammit. The one person who felt the same way as I do! He’s going to the dark side! Why?! The one person. The only person who knows how I feel.
“Well, I know you won’t trust me back, but Frank, I really feel like I can trust you.”
Why me? Why? “Alright….I really don’t know what to say…”
“Mikey….”
“Yeah?”
“Before I say anything, if you tell anyone. ANYONE what I’m about to say, I will hurt you. Badly.”
Mikey nodded, looking scared now.
“If I did trust anyone. Which I DON’T. I would probably trust you.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because, Mikey, you know how I feel. You can relate.”
He nodded in understanding. Ok, now that we got that cleared up…on to the next task.
“Mikey?”
“Yeah, Frank?”
“You ever get…lonely?”
“Yeah. All the time.”
“Really?”
“Yup.”
That’s when I did it. I leaned over and kissed him. And…to my surprise….he kissed me back! We just sat there, deepening the kiss, until he broke away for air.
“Frank?”
“Yeah, mikey?”
“What are we doing?”
“I dunno, mikey, but I like it.”
“Me too.”
“you know this is totally screwing over our bond right?”
He nodded and climbed on top of me.
“Know what?”
“Hmm?” I said, kissing his neck.
He moaned and said: “I don’t really care though. This is way better.”
I just nodded and bit down on his neck. He moaned and tugged at my shirt. I detached myself from his neck long enough to get the shirt over my head and remove his. I kissed down his chest, running my hands over his back. He moaned and pulled me back up to kiss me again. I kissed him, letting my tongue slide out to explore his bottom lip. Mikey sucked my tongue into his mouth, and let his own explore mine.
I slid my hand down his chest, letting it stop at the waist-band of his jeans. After a moment of letting my hand rest there, I began to work at the button and zipper of his jeans. Once his jeans were gone, my hand slid down his boxers. I ran my fingers over his erection, eliciting a nice throaty moan from him. His hands were now furiously trying to get my pants down. I lifted my hips to give him a better chance to remove my pants. Once they were gone, he practically tore my boxers off.
“Wait.” I said, stopping him. I stood up and pulled him into my bunk and closing the curtains. As soon as they were closed, his mouth was attached to my neck and my hand was back down his boxers, jerking him off. Mikey was biting his lip, trying to keep from making too much noise. A few minutes later and he was kissing down my chest to my exposed erection. He kissed every possible inch of my skin that he could before moving to take me in. I bit my lip in my best attempt to keep quiet. I writhed underneath him, my hands finding his hair quickly. I tugged hard on his hair, and thrust into his mouth, making him moan around me. I continued tugging on his hair until I forced his head back up and kissed him hard.
“Fuck me.”
“What?” He said, panting.
“You heard me!”
Mikey obliged and shoved two saliva coated fingers into my ass and scissored them. I accidentally let a moan slip and quickly bit my lip. When I felt Mikey remove his fingers, I groaned and braced myself for what was to come.
I felt Mikey push into me and bit my lip, hard to keep from moaning again. Mikey started thrusting in and out, going harder with each thrust and beginning to develop a rhythm. I was biting my lip and thrusting upward to meet each of his thrusts. Mikey leaned down and started kissing me, hard as he finished. I moaned into his mouth and finished as well, getting cum all over our stomachs. Mikey collapsed on top of me. I started kissing him.
“That was amazing.” I said, still out of breath.
Mikey nodded. “Frank, are you gonna tell anyone?”
“Why? Are you?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“I can’t tell anyone either, I don’t really trust anyone.”
“I know.”
We were both quiet for a few minutes.
“Mikey?”
“Yeah?” He said, turning his head to look up at me.
“Can you keep another secret?”
He nodded.
“God, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…lately…I’ve been feeling…..different about…you.”
“Different, how?”
“My feelings….towards you…are different…”
“How, Frank? How are they different?”
“Mikey….I…they just are, ok? That’s all you need to know.”
‘Frank? Are you ok?”
“Don’t you understand yet?!” I said, practically yelling.
“No, apparently not.”
I looked at him. Should I say it? Should I admit to myself that I actually have these feelings?
“You can’t say a word.”
He nods again.
“I…..Iloveyou.” I say, quickly. I can’t believe I said it. I admitted it. There is no way in hell anyone can find out. Anyone.
“Frank….”
I look down at him.
“I….I love you too.”
My eyes must’ve gone wide, because mikey was looking worriedly at me.
“I-I didn’t think you’d….well, you get the idea, right?”
He nodded. “How do you think I felt? Trying to let you know I felt different without saying it.”
“We can’t tell anyone.”
“Right.”
“But….God, this is so stupid. Mikey, I wanna be with you.”
“I got an idea….I think.”
He had my attention with that.
“We can, but…we just don’t actually say to anyone, including ourselves, that we’re together. You get it?”
I nodded.
“That means no ‘I love you’ or PDA either…..while we’re with people.” He said, kissing me.
I nodded and kissed back. This was the beginning of the best relationship of any form, that I’ll ever have.