I woke up thinking of you..

[thetormentedlew]

I wish I could force myself to stop thinking about how nice it would be if.....

I know, I know, there's no hope. Even though I'm going back to Chicago and getting involved with the same people, I must deny the hope for romance with the one I want.
And, instead take it more as a, I understand what I want. You're the type for me, but not the one for

Comments

[shoeandsock]

I think we have more experiences that teach us what we don't want, than those that teach us what we do. In the end both lead us to an understanding of what is more important to us. It may be easier if the let downs in life could be accepted solely for their contributions to that destination, but having the capacity and continued desire for emotion makes that very difficult.

It is hard to reconcile longing, fear, loss, disappointment. It is painful to remember those things, and experiencing that pain again reinforces our association with it. Regardless of whether they are a pin prick or a broken arm, dwelling on them makes them stronger memories and it becomes more difficult to feel their greater value.

You cannot escape this, it's as natural and organic a progression as dirt to blossom. From the birth to death of every desire, covering a scale from the black dullness of apathy to the red of rage, they are expanding your own understanding of who you are at that point in your life. This is the nature of growth, and it has worked for billions of years.

I have always admired the awareness and introspection you apply to yourself, and for those I have also always had faith in the belief that you will be the kind of person that truly finds themselves. You have found much of that already, and where you are now is not compromise or failure.

I do feel sympathy for where you are right now because it is difficult, but I am not sad for you. I am proud of you. I am excited for you. You have been through some crazy shit, you have taken some big risks, and you still stand full of desire and yearning, you are still capable of change.

You are not done Lewnar. Not done by far and hope has not abandoned you, so do not abandon it.