(no subject)
so...
colorado. it's nice, but i've got a lot on my mind. it's seems i'm lost. i'm still fucking lost. i know i'm only 19 but i just can't feel hope right now. i don't know what to do. i have no plan. no real plan. i don't want to go to college. lets face it, i don't know what to study. it seems like an easy problem, yes. but i'm jon root. i've always been ambivalent. it seems i always run right back into it.
highschool was just so much easier. i had a purpose. i had a road. ever since then... i don't know. i just don't know what to do. simply i can keep doing what i've been doing the past year... but i fear it'll turn into 10. i'll be 29 and just living. working a regular job, slowly making it.
i'm gifted in music. but i don't even want to put all the effort to make it. to buy the supplies, to earn the scholorships. to live that way. i guess it all boils down to the fact that i don't know what to do to make myself happy anymore. lately i saw salvation in new things. just going away. seeing new things. but i'm still in the same fucking hole. ya, there's endless possibilities on what to do next. but i don't know what to do. whatever i decide to do i've gotta go full blown. i have to put all of myself into it. but i just don't know where to go, what to do.
i'm scared of college. i didn't even go for longer then 2 weeks. i wasn't comprehending anything honestly. nothing stuck. do i have ADD? i don't know. i honestly tried to listen, to study. but i got no where. i kept eye contact with the professor, tried to listen. but my mind was never their. i would read the chapters... sometimes 3 times. i'd go through everyword. but my mind was never their.
honestly, i feel that if i go back to college i'll fail. so why put all the effort to make it their and lose everything? but then if i don't... i'll be stuck paying the bills. the bills to live. paying for a place that i don't even own. just a place to sleep, a place to hold my belongings.
i went to chili's today to eat. i couldn't even decide what to eat. i always have problems deciding what to eat. and then finally when i made my choice, 10 minutes later i forgot what i ordered.
i've got to figure shit out before i go back to the real world.
colorado. it's nice, but i've got a lot on my mind. it's seems i'm lost. i'm still fucking lost. i know i'm only 19 but i just can't feel hope right now. i don't know what to do. i have no plan. no real plan. i don't want to go to college. lets face it, i don't know what to study. it seems like an easy problem, yes. but i'm jon root. i've always been ambivalent. it seems i always run right back into it.
highschool was just so much easier. i had a purpose. i had a road. ever since then... i don't know. i just don't know what to do. simply i can keep doing what i've been doing the past year... but i fear it'll turn into 10. i'll be 29 and just living. working a regular job, slowly making it.
i'm gifted in music. but i don't even want to put all the effort to make it. to buy the supplies, to earn the scholorships. to live that way. i guess it all boils down to the fact that i don't know what to do to make myself happy anymore. lately i saw salvation in new things. just going away. seeing new things. but i'm still in the same fucking hole. ya, there's endless possibilities on what to do next. but i don't know what to do. whatever i decide to do i've gotta go full blown. i have to put all of myself into it. but i just don't know where to go, what to do.
i'm scared of college. i didn't even go for longer then 2 weeks. i wasn't comprehending anything honestly. nothing stuck. do i have ADD? i don't know. i honestly tried to listen, to study. but i got no where. i kept eye contact with the professor, tried to listen. but my mind was never their. i would read the chapters... sometimes 3 times. i'd go through everyword. but my mind was never their.
honestly, i feel that if i go back to college i'll fail. so why put all the effort to make it their and lose everything? but then if i don't... i'll be stuck paying the bills. the bills to live. paying for a place that i don't even own. just a place to sleep, a place to hold my belongings.
i went to chili's today to eat. i couldn't even decide what to eat. i always have problems deciding what to eat. and then finally when i made my choice, 10 minutes later i forgot what i ordered.
i've got to figure shit out before i go back to the real world.