Ignorance is bliss
So husband and I have been having some trust problems recently. I calmly ask him to tell me the truth from now on. I start asking him questions and he answers honestly, which I appreciate. We got onto some subject and I started asking him about love. He starts talking about this girl named Katie which he had talked to awhile in Ohio and what not. They never "got" together as you may say. When he came home he talked through emails and Ims to her. They got close. I asked him if he knew what love was and he answered yes. He said that he always wanted to be near her. I told him that was what love was about. Thats what I have always wanted thats what I felt love should be like. He said that he always wonders what it would be like if they got together. He said that she wanted to marry him. I asked him if he loved me like that. He in so many words said no. Believe it or not I have yet to have a break down. I am hurting on the inside so badly. But I refuse to feel it. Everytime I feel like I am going to cry I punch it back. I told him that he should be with her if he loves her. I think that it is only fair. He said he doesn't know if she still loves him. I said well you should contact her and ask. He said that he doesn't know how he would get up there. I said that I would take him. He said that he is scared that she won't love him. I said well there is only one way to find out. I try and figure out why he can't love me. He doesn't know. I try to figure out what is wrong with me and he has no answers. He wants to be with her and not me. He only stays cause he is scared and that he thinks that happiness is a moot point and that we are married. (sanctimonious bullshit)
I know realize my ex, James was right no one can or will ever love me. Its been proven right so many times.
Whats so special about her? Whats wrong with me? Why can no one love me? Do you have any idea what its like to love someone with your WHOLE heart and have them tell you that they don't love you that they love someone they barely know, that they haven't talked to in over two years? They would rather be anywhere but with you. They only stay cause its easier to.
There is this raw ache in my chest. If your heart is just an organ why does it hurt in your chest? Why does it feel that it has unanesthetically been ripped from your chest?
Do you know what its like to look at your husband and know he feels NOTHING for you and still love him so much that it hurts. It feels like all the love that you send out so hard so powerful bounces off of them and falls useless and null at your feet.
I don't know what to do or what to say or what to feel. This is ludicrous. Why do I always have to know. Why can't I just pretend? I hate myself.
I know realize my ex, James was right no one can or will ever love me. Its been proven right so many times.
Whats so special about her? Whats wrong with me? Why can no one love me? Do you have any idea what its like to love someone with your WHOLE heart and have them tell you that they don't love you that they love someone they barely know, that they haven't talked to in over two years? They would rather be anywhere but with you. They only stay cause its easier to.
There is this raw ache in my chest. If your heart is just an organ why does it hurt in your chest? Why does it feel that it has unanesthetically been ripped from your chest?
Do you know what its like to look at your husband and know he feels NOTHING for you and still love him so much that it hurts. It feels like all the love that you send out so hard so powerful bounces off of them and falls useless and null at your feet.
I don't know what to do or what to say or what to feel. This is ludicrous. Why do I always have to know. Why can't I just pretend? I hate myself.