I don't know. Ramble.
She's gone.
Monday we got a call saying she is being moved to hospice.
Tuesday she was half awake. She said I love you back to us and was sort of responsive.
Wednesday morning she was sort of responsive but Wednesday night was the worst night of my life... Hospice is supposed to be about comfort. I can't even write about what happened because it was just too terrible. And I was mean to a nurse because of something I thought they mishandled.
Thursday morning we got a call saying her vitals were way down and she was failing. She was peaceful Thursday and I sat next to her as her breathing slowed and eventually stopped. I guess I'm still in shock. That night Luna started moaning really loud. It sounded as if she was in pain. My mom didnt want to go to the vet since Luna ate that day but I wasn't convinced. We went up to bed and still heard her all the way upstairs moaning and I started crying so we took her to an emergency vets at like 1 am ... Nothing was wrong. Grieving? Stressed? I don't know.
All plans are made. My grandma will be cremated and buried with my grandpa and their son who died at age 19. Its a very old beautiful cemetery with some civil war veterans and ornate headstones.
My grandma wanted me to have her wedding ring which I have and will wear when I can emotionally handle it. We're heading back to PA tomorrow. Maybe work and dance will be good for me this week. Well see.
I haven't slept well over the last few days due to a night terror Tuesday night and other weird spiritual feelings subsequent nights. Actually the only time I felt ok was walking by myself in the cemetery. No real concrete spiritual things happened to me lately. They were more just feelings... On the day my grandma died I was sitting next to her and was suddenly like slammed with the thought of her dog Major. A big. Black. Newfoundland that I never met and only saw one picture of. Very very odd. And then later on my mom told me she heard a voice saying "go home" close to when my grandma passed. When her breathing was slowing and becoming more shallow I alerted my mom. And I felt like at that point my grandma was gone. So maybe that made it easier. I thought I would flip out, but I didn't.
I don't know.
Everything seems fucking stupid.
Some headstones say unknown.
Very very old beautiful cemetery.
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