It's getting colder
So my bee/blossom earrings sold (many thanks to Emily <3). Makes me feel like I'm somewhat productive and can actually do something worthwhile. And the money does help also because I'm poor and depressed and finding jobs is hard. /sob story.
Jozef came over yesterday and spent the night. Things went well but I actually cried pretty hard this morning. I don't remember the last time that has happened ... maybe due to the medication? But I'm going off of Effexor now.
Anyway, I was upset because Jozef asked me to stop kissing him. I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks so that hurt my feelings. But then what made it worse was that he asked to go to the store right after even though I thought it was obvious that I was upset. I guess I just wanted him to seem like he cared first before asking to go to the store. He said he didn't mean to upset me, but the fact is that he did and didn't seem to care right away. We got everything straightened out though. I felt so comfortable and safe laying with him on the couch watching Sponge bob... I didn't want him to go. I get so fucking lonely. He made me a delicious breakfast/lunch today.
Anyway, the whole "incident" just reminded me of my parents -- not really giving a damn if I'm upset and alone in another state not knowing how to take care of myself. I realize Jozef didn't mean it that way, though.
I didn't know how to use a can opener or do laundry, for example, when my parents left me at school freshman year and moved to PA. They never bothered to teach me many practical things ... everything was done for me. (as snotty as that might sound, I don't mean it that way). That, along with many other things, makes me feel isolated from everyone. I don't feel like I relate to people and I don't feel like I have much of a personality outside of my anxiety. At least not anymore. I'm afraid of interacting with people face to face 90% of the time. I really don't feel like working tomorrow.
I made this at my group on Monday... we were supposed to recognize some part of ourselves and draw about it. Below is what I came up with when it comes to the part of me that always feels isolated. I don't know if I find art therapeutic when it comes to my problems, usually I'm just worried about how shitty everything looks even though it doesn't have to be pretty/make sense.
Jozef came over yesterday and spent the night. Things went well but I actually cried pretty hard this morning. I don't remember the last time that has happened ... maybe due to the medication? But I'm going off of Effexor now.
Anyway, I was upset because Jozef asked me to stop kissing him. I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks so that hurt my feelings. But then what made it worse was that he asked to go to the store right after even though I thought it was obvious that I was upset. I guess I just wanted him to seem like he cared first before asking to go to the store. He said he didn't mean to upset me, but the fact is that he did and didn't seem to care right away. We got everything straightened out though. I felt so comfortable and safe laying with him on the couch watching Sponge bob... I didn't want him to go. I get so fucking lonely. He made me a delicious breakfast/lunch today.
Anyway, the whole "incident" just reminded me of my parents -- not really giving a damn if I'm upset and alone in another state not knowing how to take care of myself. I realize Jozef didn't mean it that way, though.
I didn't know how to use a can opener or do laundry, for example, when my parents left me at school freshman year and moved to PA. They never bothered to teach me many practical things ... everything was done for me. (as snotty as that might sound, I don't mean it that way). That, along with many other things, makes me feel isolated from everyone. I don't feel like I relate to people and I don't feel like I have much of a personality outside of my anxiety. At least not anymore. I'm afraid of interacting with people face to face 90% of the time. I really don't feel like working tomorrow.
I made this at my group on Monday... we were supposed to recognize some part of ourselves and draw about it. Below is what I came up with when it comes to the part of me that always feels isolated. I don't know if I find art therapeutic when it comes to my problems, usually I'm just worried about how shitty everything looks even though it doesn't have to be pretty/make sense.