(no subject)
i made it through the night. i do not know how.
i was informed via WoW last night by derek's (now former) friend kristin that they knew about me. about us. that he had told them. she asked if i had heard from him. i said i talked to him on sunday. he called me after that, on sunday night, but i missed the call and he just left voice mail. i asked why.
she told me that after he told them about me, they did exactly what he was always terrified they would do.... leave him. they told him they no longer wanted to be friends. and that sunday night derek called nate crying, and saying he was going to kill himself. i don't know if this was before or after he called me. she said that they had been worried about him, even though they did what they did on saturday, as no one had heard from him. she said pete, his co-worker, said in WoW that derek hadn't shown up for work in two days.
(if they were honestly so worried, i don't know why they told me all of this, and didn't get off their asses to see if he was ok... or why, after derek called saying he was going to kill himself, nate didn't call the police, or derek's parents....)
i drove to ISU to check on derek. him missing work is just not like him. i got to the suite, and started asking for people i knew were living there agin this year. andres wasn't there, but a few others were. no one had seen derek for several days. one even mentioned that he wasn't at class monday for an accounting exam. i went to the ra and told him what was going on. he got his bosses, and they said they may have me file a missing persons report.
after telling them everything the others had told me about him not having be seen, i said i'd feel a lot better if they could check his room. they got the ISU police involved, and after a while, we all went to his door.
they knocked, announcing themselves. they opened the door, and i saw the lights were on. he wasn't on the bed, nor in his computer chair. the officer couldn't get the door all the way opened, and he looked at the floor people. that's when they grabbed my shoulders and tried to lead me away. i started to sob, hitting the floor. i asked if he was in there, and the officer just looked at me. i asked again, and he nodded. i said i didn't believe him, because i didn't see derek. he then informed me that derek had hung himself from the towel rack on the back of the door. that's why he couldn't open it.
i lost it. i looked at the door, and through the crack, i could see derek hanging there.
the man i loved for nearly four years. the man who told me he love me, just two weeks ago. who came here on the train, slept in my bed, and held me in his arms all night long.
i don't remember a lot after that. i sobbed. i was barely able to call audra. she came up. shelly came up. someone finally got ahold of andres and he was there, as were eddie and danielle. people i knew. people who knew derek and i.
i answered questions. i gave info. i was told that (around 1am) they had notified his parents, and that all communication would now go through them. but that at the end of things, his case would be open, so i could get information. i could know if he called me right before he did it.
i thought derek knew that he always had me, even if his so-called friends bailed on him. i always told him that if they could leave him all because he wanted to be happy with me, someone they didn't approve of, they weren't worth having as friends.
i guess my love wasn't enough.
i'm angry. i'm angry at him for doing this. for not telling me "i need someone to talk to". at ehm for not doing something when he called and said, whilst crying, he was going to kill himself. at them for not caring enough to do something then, instead of waiting two days, and having me do something. for making me have to be the one to find him. to make me be the one to have the image of him hanging from that door forever burned into my mind. at him for not giving me the chance to call him back sunday night.
and i'm sad. i cry, non stop. i feel empty, dead. he told me i knew him better than anyone. and i still cared about him. that he was more greatful to me for that than i would ever know. but i didn't see this. i couldn't stop this. if only i had had lunch with him on sunday. if only i hadn't missed that last call he made to me.
i was informed via WoW last night by derek's (now former) friend kristin that they knew about me. about us. that he had told them. she asked if i had heard from him. i said i talked to him on sunday. he called me after that, on sunday night, but i missed the call and he just left voice mail. i asked why.
she told me that after he told them about me, they did exactly what he was always terrified they would do.... leave him. they told him they no longer wanted to be friends. and that sunday night derek called nate crying, and saying he was going to kill himself. i don't know if this was before or after he called me. she said that they had been worried about him, even though they did what they did on saturday, as no one had heard from him. she said pete, his co-worker, said in WoW that derek hadn't shown up for work in two days.
(if they were honestly so worried, i don't know why they told me all of this, and didn't get off their asses to see if he was ok... or why, after derek called saying he was going to kill himself, nate didn't call the police, or derek's parents....)
i drove to ISU to check on derek. him missing work is just not like him. i got to the suite, and started asking for people i knew were living there agin this year. andres wasn't there, but a few others were. no one had seen derek for several days. one even mentioned that he wasn't at class monday for an accounting exam. i went to the ra and told him what was going on. he got his bosses, and they said they may have me file a missing persons report.
after telling them everything the others had told me about him not having be seen, i said i'd feel a lot better if they could check his room. they got the ISU police involved, and after a while, we all went to his door.
they knocked, announcing themselves. they opened the door, and i saw the lights were on. he wasn't on the bed, nor in his computer chair. the officer couldn't get the door all the way opened, and he looked at the floor people. that's when they grabbed my shoulders and tried to lead me away. i started to sob, hitting the floor. i asked if he was in there, and the officer just looked at me. i asked again, and he nodded. i said i didn't believe him, because i didn't see derek. he then informed me that derek had hung himself from the towel rack on the back of the door. that's why he couldn't open it.
i lost it. i looked at the door, and through the crack, i could see derek hanging there.
the man i loved for nearly four years. the man who told me he love me, just two weeks ago. who came here on the train, slept in my bed, and held me in his arms all night long.
i don't remember a lot after that. i sobbed. i was barely able to call audra. she came up. shelly came up. someone finally got ahold of andres and he was there, as were eddie and danielle. people i knew. people who knew derek and i.
i answered questions. i gave info. i was told that (around 1am) they had notified his parents, and that all communication would now go through them. but that at the end of things, his case would be open, so i could get information. i could know if he called me right before he did it.
i thought derek knew that he always had me, even if his so-called friends bailed on him. i always told him that if they could leave him all because he wanted to be happy with me, someone they didn't approve of, they weren't worth having as friends.
i guess my love wasn't enough.
i'm angry. i'm angry at him for doing this. for not telling me "i need someone to talk to". at ehm for not doing something when he called and said, whilst crying, he was going to kill himself. at them for not caring enough to do something then, instead of waiting two days, and having me do something. for making me have to be the one to find him. to make me be the one to have the image of him hanging from that door forever burned into my mind. at him for not giving me the chance to call him back sunday night.
and i'm sad. i cry, non stop. i feel empty, dead. he told me i knew him better than anyone. and i still cared about him. that he was more greatful to me for that than i would ever know. but i didn't see this. i couldn't stop this. if only i had had lunch with him on sunday. if only i hadn't missed that last call he made to me.