Time for a Rant....
Okay, time for a rant. I recently read an entry in someone else's LJ about the trials and tribulations of purchasing pads and tampons. It was a hilarious gem, and after reading it, I finally decided to go ahead and unleash my own vent along similar subject matter, but with an entirely different slant. Just to forewarn you, the rant contains the following:
* Bad words.
* References to "that time of the month", some of which are most certainly TMI.
* TMI in general.
If you don't want to read about it, stop RIGHT NOW and don't scroll ANY FURTHER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Now, on with the show...
Did you know - and if you didn't, you'll probably wish you still didn't - that PMS is cumulative? Yes, that's right, cumulative. All those symptoms we associate as signs that the crimson tide is imminent? The bloating, the irritability, phantom cramps, and just general feeling that the world hates you, you hate the world, and you want to die. You know what I'm talking about. If you don't, staple your balls to your chair and you'll probably get the idea.
So guess what happens when the tide in question fails to show up?
The bloating, the homicidal feelings, and all that crap? They fucking stay around to hitch a ride NEXT time the Scarlet Express comes through. And what does that mean for the unfortunate girl? Double the fun! Now, what happens when you take that PMS and save it up in a nice little PMS Savings Account for, say, 5 months? INTEREST!! That's right!! The symptoms continue, and snowball until you find yourself with almost HALF A FUCKING YEAR's worth of pent-up hormones that haven't had their monthly housecleaning, and it fucking sucks.
I'm at a fucking point where I feel like a goddamned twelve year-old dying to get her first period so she can be like everybody else. Fuck the cramps, fuck the inconvenience, I WANT MY MONTHLY VISITOR TO SHOW UP. NOW. I have accumulated enough PMS Points to have earned myself SOME SORT of fucking prize. I seriously think 5 months of enduring this bullshit has earned me a small household appliance. At the very least, a toaster. And not just a gay little 2-slice toaster; I'm talking about a toaster OVEN.
They should put this kind of thing on Fear Factor. Or a new kind of Survivor.
Of course, 5 months without a period can ONLY signify one thing, right? In theory, yes. Well, I've taken plenty of 99.9% accurate tests, and they unanimously agree: NO, I'M NOT.
Of course it could be stress-related. But what could I possibly be stressed about? Just because the last year has involved moving 3000 miles away from everyone and everything I have ever known, quitting a job and struggling to find another, a visit with Dr. Satan (he'll get his own entry when I'm in the mood to post it)...HOW COULD ANYTHING IN MY LIFE POSSIBLY BE STRESS-RELATED???????????????????? Further, is this Mother Fucking Nature's idea of a goddamned joke???? "There there, dear, you're all stressed, so we're going to shut down the Scarlet Express until things calm down. In the meantime, you'll still accumulate all the hormones and general feelings of shittiness until the stress is gone, all of which will make the stress in question that much worse, but that's ok. It makes ME laugh at YOUR misery."
HAR HAR.
This is bullshit. In my next life, I'm coming back as a fucking ottoman. I hear they don't have to deal with this shit.
And one final note...second hand PMS claims almost as many lives as firsthand PMS. If you wish to send words of sympathy to the man who has to endure this as much as I do, my husband's LJ can be found at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bdragon81/
Blarg. Enough for now. Strangely, I do feel a little better now.
* Bad words.
* References to "that time of the month", some of which are most certainly TMI.
* TMI in general.
If you don't want to read about it, stop RIGHT NOW and don't scroll ANY FURTHER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Now, on with the show...
Did you know - and if you didn't, you'll probably wish you still didn't - that PMS is cumulative? Yes, that's right, cumulative. All those symptoms we associate as signs that the crimson tide is imminent? The bloating, the irritability, phantom cramps, and just general feeling that the world hates you, you hate the world, and you want to die. You know what I'm talking about. If you don't, staple your balls to your chair and you'll probably get the idea.
So guess what happens when the tide in question fails to show up?
The bloating, the homicidal feelings, and all that crap? They fucking stay around to hitch a ride NEXT time the Scarlet Express comes through. And what does that mean for the unfortunate girl? Double the fun! Now, what happens when you take that PMS and save it up in a nice little PMS Savings Account for, say, 5 months? INTEREST!! That's right!! The symptoms continue, and snowball until you find yourself with almost HALF A FUCKING YEAR's worth of pent-up hormones that haven't had their monthly housecleaning, and it fucking sucks.
I'm at a fucking point where I feel like a goddamned twelve year-old dying to get her first period so she can be like everybody else. Fuck the cramps, fuck the inconvenience, I WANT MY MONTHLY VISITOR TO SHOW UP. NOW. I have accumulated enough PMS Points to have earned myself SOME SORT of fucking prize. I seriously think 5 months of enduring this bullshit has earned me a small household appliance. At the very least, a toaster. And not just a gay little 2-slice toaster; I'm talking about a toaster OVEN.
They should put this kind of thing on Fear Factor. Or a new kind of Survivor.
Of course, 5 months without a period can ONLY signify one thing, right? In theory, yes. Well, I've taken plenty of 99.9% accurate tests, and they unanimously agree: NO, I'M NOT.
Of course it could be stress-related. But what could I possibly be stressed about? Just because the last year has involved moving 3000 miles away from everyone and everything I have ever known, quitting a job and struggling to find another, a visit with Dr. Satan (he'll get his own entry when I'm in the mood to post it)...HOW COULD ANYTHING IN MY LIFE POSSIBLY BE STRESS-RELATED???????????????????? Further, is this Mother Fucking Nature's idea of a goddamned joke???? "There there, dear, you're all stressed, so we're going to shut down the Scarlet Express until things calm down. In the meantime, you'll still accumulate all the hormones and general feelings of shittiness until the stress is gone, all of which will make the stress in question that much worse, but that's ok. It makes ME laugh at YOUR misery."
HAR HAR.
This is bullshit. In my next life, I'm coming back as a fucking ottoman. I hear they don't have to deal with this shit.
And one final note...second hand PMS claims almost as many lives as firsthand PMS. If you wish to send words of sympathy to the man who has to endure this as much as I do, my husband's LJ can be found at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bdragon81/
Blarg. Enough for now. Strangely, I do feel a little better now.