(no subject)
hey all, its been ages since ive updated this thing....
so here is whats going on in my life, hope you are sitting down with some coffee...
im still working at royal, im thinking of finding a new job. they always fuck me hardcore. its getting on my last nerve. i have to drug myself just to be there. but then again, if i stick it out, i can possibly go to school. i was going to look into massage therapy. its only a years worth of school, and can get me out of this funk i call "not having a career"..plus i like to give massages.
i met a boy a long time ago, and recently started talking to him. things would go great, if he didn't live in st louis. when i lived there he didn't give me the time of day, apparently he was going about with the drug experimentation, and all that jazz, and i guess i was the last thing on his mind. great, eh? so yeah i completely was pissed off at him and didn't want to have anything to do with him. i still kept in contact though, briefly, through the years. then about a month and a half ago, called him. and he was so excited to hear from me, and blah blah blah. well i went to st louis, and what do you know, one thing lead to another. but now im just wondering what its going to turn into. i ended up going back to st louis, last weekend, for my mom's 50th, and stayed with him most of the time, and hung out with him when i wasn't with my family. i have grown very fond of him. apparently, he has grown fond of me, or so they say, his friends and his sister. and i wasn't questioning that until the past few days. i don't want a long distance relationship, and neither does he. but he called me his girlfriend when introducing me to his friends. when questioning him, he told me he didn't want a serious relationship due to his upcoming year of 20 hours a week in school. i agree, i don't want a serious relationship either, and well frankly i don't want to move back to st louis. and if he wants to be more he would need to come here. then he said something that disturbed me, and i don't know why it did. he said when im there im number one, after saying that we are dating and i don't have to worry about him seeing other girls. but that comment made me wonder, if im number one, there will be a number two and so on. that kind of hurt my feelings. i mean, i really honestly don't know what i want with this one. i like the no relationships, and all that jazz, im too boy crazy. but for some reason, this one is hitting me hard..i did for a moment think about moving to st louis again. and tonight, i texted him telling him i had a crazy idea and would call him after work......and he turned his phone off. that feels like a big smack in the face. what the fuck is that all about. i should take the clues, right now, that its not going to go anywhere. i think i shall. i realize this, but i don't want to accept it.....call it the stubborn part of me. plus the sex is amazing, maybe thats what is keeping me tranced. ive never had it so good, but i don't have much experience to compare it to ......mabye im falling for him and i don't even realize it. i think the thing that bothers me the most is he said he was going to come out here twice, but has had an excuse to break that. maybe i am just a fuck. i guess the fact its good make it less of a heartbreak.
im confused, but i know i need to stop pretending. sometimes,i just wonder......when is it going to be my turn?
so here is whats going on in my life, hope you are sitting down with some coffee...
im still working at royal, im thinking of finding a new job. they always fuck me hardcore. its getting on my last nerve. i have to drug myself just to be there. but then again, if i stick it out, i can possibly go to school. i was going to look into massage therapy. its only a years worth of school, and can get me out of this funk i call "not having a career"..plus i like to give massages.
i met a boy a long time ago, and recently started talking to him. things would go great, if he didn't live in st louis. when i lived there he didn't give me the time of day, apparently he was going about with the drug experimentation, and all that jazz, and i guess i was the last thing on his mind. great, eh? so yeah i completely was pissed off at him and didn't want to have anything to do with him. i still kept in contact though, briefly, through the years. then about a month and a half ago, called him. and he was so excited to hear from me, and blah blah blah. well i went to st louis, and what do you know, one thing lead to another. but now im just wondering what its going to turn into. i ended up going back to st louis, last weekend, for my mom's 50th, and stayed with him most of the time, and hung out with him when i wasn't with my family. i have grown very fond of him. apparently, he has grown fond of me, or so they say, his friends and his sister. and i wasn't questioning that until the past few days. i don't want a long distance relationship, and neither does he. but he called me his girlfriend when introducing me to his friends. when questioning him, he told me he didn't want a serious relationship due to his upcoming year of 20 hours a week in school. i agree, i don't want a serious relationship either, and well frankly i don't want to move back to st louis. and if he wants to be more he would need to come here. then he said something that disturbed me, and i don't know why it did. he said when im there im number one, after saying that we are dating and i don't have to worry about him seeing other girls. but that comment made me wonder, if im number one, there will be a number two and so on. that kind of hurt my feelings. i mean, i really honestly don't know what i want with this one. i like the no relationships, and all that jazz, im too boy crazy. but for some reason, this one is hitting me hard..i did for a moment think about moving to st louis again. and tonight, i texted him telling him i had a crazy idea and would call him after work......and he turned his phone off. that feels like a big smack in the face. what the fuck is that all about. i should take the clues, right now, that its not going to go anywhere. i think i shall. i realize this, but i don't want to accept it.....call it the stubborn part of me. plus the sex is amazing, maybe thats what is keeping me tranced. ive never had it so good, but i don't have much experience to compare it to ......mabye im falling for him and i don't even realize it. i think the thing that bothers me the most is he said he was going to come out here twice, but has had an excuse to break that. maybe i am just a fuck. i guess the fact its good make it less of a heartbreak.
im confused, but i know i need to stop pretending. sometimes,i just wonder......when is it going to be my turn?