(no subject)
This is a post for me.
So a year and a half ago, maybe just more like a little over a year ago, I met someone who made a big impact on my life. I was unclear on how I felt about him, and so I ended up doing what I always do, and pushed him aside. I just avoided the entire idea, even though he said he would not give up on me, and would wait for whatever it was I needed to figure out. And he didn't wait that long, because im still unsure what I want, and he isn't around.
I messed up big time, and I was an asshole in the process. I have given myself this view of how things should always be, me getting hurt, and taking it out on others. I will admit it, there are times I even question weither im over my ex boyfriend from 2 years ago. But since then, I have just toyed with people, for kicks. And is it sad? I think it is. I am starting to realize that is no way to live. People are not objects, but people! And I can sit here and look back on things, and I really only feel bad about one.
He was kind to me, and loyal, and probably the best thing that could happen for me. And I blew it off. Maybe at the time, my hateful nature, and his bad undercover cocaine habit wouldn't have meshed well, but I still think I shouldn't have pushed him away. Im sure if I talked to him about the habit, it would have been gone. He probably would have killed someone if I asked him to. And maybe thats what scared me. Maybe I was just scared at the idea a good guy actually liked me since its been my whole life that all I get are the "bad boys" that treat me like shit.
I have no way of finding him. I have been trying for a week, and now, this weekend, I have set the goal to find him, to apologize, because of all the playing around ive done, the one that makes me feel bad is him. Its more feeling bad of what I did. I don't think he ever knew how he effected me. He even came up in my dream last night. I woke up and tried to walk it off, and fall back asleep, but he was still there. In my dream he treated me like shit, and when i apologized, he made me feel like the scum of the earth. And honestly, that is how I fucking feel right now. I think it was my mind telling me I really need to talk him. So im going to keep trying until I find him....
I know I dwell on things, its my OCD...because when I really mean something, I think about it over and over until something comes out of it. I just want him to hear my apology, and understand where I was coming from. I want him to be a friend, and someone I can later in life hang out with, or even now, though I am moving, and he isn't even in Kansas City anymore. I just want to put peace to this. I have been in tears all day due to this, thats how torn up I am about it. I know its stupid...but I genuinely feel bad, and I rarely ever do....
This isn't a "this guy is the only one out there for me" thing, so don't think it is....because I know better, I just need to get this out before I drive my mind crazy. I just want him to be happy, and I think if he thinks like I do (which I know he thinks pretty similar) then he would base the situation with me on how he views women, and I don't want his view to be negative, because it doesn't suit him, he is one of the best and nicest guys I have ever met.
So a year and a half ago, maybe just more like a little over a year ago, I met someone who made a big impact on my life. I was unclear on how I felt about him, and so I ended up doing what I always do, and pushed him aside. I just avoided the entire idea, even though he said he would not give up on me, and would wait for whatever it was I needed to figure out. And he didn't wait that long, because im still unsure what I want, and he isn't around.
I messed up big time, and I was an asshole in the process. I have given myself this view of how things should always be, me getting hurt, and taking it out on others. I will admit it, there are times I even question weither im over my ex boyfriend from 2 years ago. But since then, I have just toyed with people, for kicks. And is it sad? I think it is. I am starting to realize that is no way to live. People are not objects, but people! And I can sit here and look back on things, and I really only feel bad about one.
He was kind to me, and loyal, and probably the best thing that could happen for me. And I blew it off. Maybe at the time, my hateful nature, and his bad undercover cocaine habit wouldn't have meshed well, but I still think I shouldn't have pushed him away. Im sure if I talked to him about the habit, it would have been gone. He probably would have killed someone if I asked him to. And maybe thats what scared me. Maybe I was just scared at the idea a good guy actually liked me since its been my whole life that all I get are the "bad boys" that treat me like shit.
I have no way of finding him. I have been trying for a week, and now, this weekend, I have set the goal to find him, to apologize, because of all the playing around ive done, the one that makes me feel bad is him. Its more feeling bad of what I did. I don't think he ever knew how he effected me. He even came up in my dream last night. I woke up and tried to walk it off, and fall back asleep, but he was still there. In my dream he treated me like shit, and when i apologized, he made me feel like the scum of the earth. And honestly, that is how I fucking feel right now. I think it was my mind telling me I really need to talk him. So im going to keep trying until I find him....
I know I dwell on things, its my OCD...because when I really mean something, I think about it over and over until something comes out of it. I just want him to hear my apology, and understand where I was coming from. I want him to be a friend, and someone I can later in life hang out with, or even now, though I am moving, and he isn't even in Kansas City anymore. I just want to put peace to this. I have been in tears all day due to this, thats how torn up I am about it. I know its stupid...but I genuinely feel bad, and I rarely ever do....
This isn't a "this guy is the only one out there for me" thing, so don't think it is....because I know better, I just need to get this out before I drive my mind crazy. I just want him to be happy, and I think if he thinks like I do (which I know he thinks pretty similar) then he would base the situation with me on how he views women, and I don't want his view to be negative, because it doesn't suit him, he is one of the best and nicest guys I have ever met.