All my life
I think in pictures. Envisioning the future, what it would be like for something to happen, I usually have one small concrete image, a moment, captured in my mind as the example of that happening. And I focus on it. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes not so much.
The thing is, with big events, it doesn't often go quite exactly like you pictured. My wedding was a striking example of a day that would have been really fun and great if I didn't have so many very very particular things envisioned. When it didn't work out exactly as I'd planned, I was disappointed.
So obviously, it would be within my best interest to stop doing this! And I've tried, believe me :-) But there are some pictures that are still there, especially the ones that have been with me all my life, the things I've always deeply wanted, and even gotten, but was missing the "picture" of the exact thing I had planned, the thing that would let me know I was perfectly happy, this was exactly what I'd spent my life dreaming about and now it was here.
I was brushing Alli's hair after her bath tonight and was putting the brush away when she turned and looked at me and said "More!" I was stupified and didn't get it at first ... "More what?" I said to her. "More pretty!"
And I cried.
My entire life, I mean for as long as I could remember, I longed for a daughter so that I could brush her hair. I had this picture in my head of my little girl coming into the living room after her bath and sitting in my lap and getting her hair brushed. Having it be relaxing for both of us. Our special mother/daughter bonding time.
And even after I had my girl, I still never really felt that sense of it being real ... it was still like it wasn't quite what I had dreamed of, so it wasn't filling that void in me.
But today, as I smiled and told Allison that of course I would give her more pretties, I felt it. I held her in my lap and brushed her hair. It was amazing.
The thing is, with big events, it doesn't often go quite exactly like you pictured. My wedding was a striking example of a day that would have been really fun and great if I didn't have so many very very particular things envisioned. When it didn't work out exactly as I'd planned, I was disappointed.
So obviously, it would be within my best interest to stop doing this! And I've tried, believe me :-) But there are some pictures that are still there, especially the ones that have been with me all my life, the things I've always deeply wanted, and even gotten, but was missing the "picture" of the exact thing I had planned, the thing that would let me know I was perfectly happy, this was exactly what I'd spent my life dreaming about and now it was here.
I was brushing Alli's hair after her bath tonight and was putting the brush away when she turned and looked at me and said "More!" I was stupified and didn't get it at first ... "More what?" I said to her. "More pretty!"
And I cried.
My entire life, I mean for as long as I could remember, I longed for a daughter so that I could brush her hair. I had this picture in my head of my little girl coming into the living room after her bath and sitting in my lap and getting her hair brushed. Having it be relaxing for both of us. Our special mother/daughter bonding time.
And even after I had my girl, I still never really felt that sense of it being real ... it was still like it wasn't quite what I had dreamed of, so it wasn't filling that void in me.
But today, as I smiled and told Allison that of course I would give her more pretties, I felt it. I held her in my lap and brushed her hair. It was amazing.