better ...
i had just finished a textbook lovely bedtime with alli (24 minutes, no crying at all! but not a nap crash either, late enough that i was fairly confident that it would stick, but early enough that i didn't want to kill myself) when i heard a quiet thumping. i could not even fathom that she could have gotten up ... i had just left and she was out cold.
but i kept hearing it so i just had to check. i opened her door so so quietly and she was not standing at it hitting the wall or the door, so i closed it again just as quietly thinking it must be the neighbors.
but then i heard it again and just as i had figured it out, there is ben standing in the hallway in just his underpants, looking sheepish. he was having trouble sleeping, see first he was hot and then he was lonely because he came out and looked for me and i was still in with alli so he went back to bed but he was still hot and could not get to sleep.
i am proud of how kind and understanding i was with him :-) i thanked him profusely for putting himself back to bed and waiting for me and NOT coming in while i was laying down with alli and helped him cool down by getting him some water and dampening his hair and back and switching out his fall blanket for his summer one again. (it was cold a few nights ago, but now isn't again) i also had him pee again, even though he'd just peed at bedtime about 45 minutes ago. AH-HA! that's why you couldn't sleep you goofball, you had like 80 gallons of pee in there.
so i tucked him back in and said good night and here i am at 9:41 and i think both kids are actually asleep!!!!!!!! i mean, of course anything could happen, but i am feeling more confident about this day than all the other days.
aaron visited today and it was nice and only a teeny bit weird. i almost said something but stopped myself mid sentence. nothing good would have come of it. the kids had fun with him and he played video games with ben and we went to the kids museum when alli got up. we have a membership and they asked "how many children and how many adults?" and i said two and two and they didn't charge us for him :-) they must have thought he was my husband! funny. the kids look enough like him it's plausible i guess. even if he is six years younger than me that's less of a big deal at (almost) 23 and (almost) 29 than it was at 11 and 17 :-)
did i mention there were um, emotions involved with him visiting ...
i'm still glad though. we went out for pho after the museum and the kids were IMHO fairly well-behaved, though not perfect and i could tell it was hard for him to accept normal kid behavior as such. i wanted to be like, dude, don't sweat the small stuff.
he stayed til 7ish and then we watched a movie and then the kids went to bed. it was one of the shortest days we've had since all of this happened. OH and ben had his first day of fall swim this morning too! considering i went to bed with alli last night at 12:40 with no alarm set, i'm proud that we a) remembered and b) were early! impressive. maybe i can get the hang of this single mom stuff eventually.
sad moment of the day: ben talking about papa in the car set alli off on a cry, but it was short-lived. nothing compared to what it would have been if it had been bedtime. and ben asked me to read him "i will always love you" and said "we should read this to papa."
fuck. i barely kept from crying at that one. (it's a book about forgiveness when someone you love does something that hurts you.) damn that kid and his amazing emotional maturity and uncanny intuition.
on the horizon:
tonight: straighten up, clean catbox, bit of dishes, maybe knit and watch HIMYM. i was supposed to watch it with stephen, but decided that i like it so much the happiness will probably outweigh the sadness. i hope.
tomorrow: jessi is coming and staying with alli when i take ben to school. coming home, laying alli down, knitting with jessi, packing. getting ben from school and driving to kent, dropping kids off to see their papa, hanging out with my mom for a bit (if there's time) and then getting ready to go see "Easy A" with alexis. i made her promise to dress up because this is probably the last date i'm going to have in a good long while. she said "yes ma'am!" i giggled. i have no idea how long we will be out for and what i'm doing about alli and sleeping and me and where and whatever. i kind of want to leave her overnight with stephen ... it's not like she doesn't cry her eyes out when she's with me and not him, so what's the difference if she's with him and not me? i mean, i'd be five minutes away, he could bring her to me if she was seriously inconsolable. i dunno ... is this for her benefit or his benefit or my benefit? or no ones? am i trying to punish him? like see, this its what it's like to be me everysingleday? or am i doing them both a favor because they miss each other so much. i don't know. i'd have more confidence in my decision if i could figure out what my real motivation was ...
tueday: ben has school again at 12:15 and i am unsure who is doing what with what kid. i would hate for me to take both of them back to everett at 11 a.m. and have that be the end of their time with their papa until next week, but logistically i can't figure out what would be the best solution ... he said he didn't mind driving, but i said i didn't want the kids to suffer through unnecessary amounts of driving just so he could see them more ... i don't know how it will work out, but we'll have to think of something ...
PS: i got this text last night "everything reminds me of you. taylor swift came on and all i want to do is go to you and hold you. i can hear you singing in my head."
me: "i appreciate what you said but mostly i am envious that you have *time* to be sad. I feel like alli is using up the household's tear quota leaving none for me.
me: "if you happen to be standing in the parking lot right now you can totally come up here and take her. i would be much obliged." (this was a reference to him driving all the way up here last tuesday to leave a flower on my car at 11 p.m.)
him: "how i wish i could say that i was"
me: "yeah i thought that would be a long shot. she just won't sleep. actually, she slept from 8:45 to 9:30 and then woke up shrieking for you. First full sentence: "papa home alli night night no mama!"
him: "i could be there by 12:30. gladly."
unfortunately, i didn't see the last text from him until much later, by which time it was already about 12:10. i called him and thanked him for the offer but said that she was showing signs of wearing down and i was pretty sure she'd be out before he got here if he hadn't already left. (he hadn't, he was waiting for an answer) and i was right. 12:40. but it was still pretty damn nice of him to offer.
but i kept hearing it so i just had to check. i opened her door so so quietly and she was not standing at it hitting the wall or the door, so i closed it again just as quietly thinking it must be the neighbors.
but then i heard it again and just as i had figured it out, there is ben standing in the hallway in just his underpants, looking sheepish. he was having trouble sleeping, see first he was hot and then he was lonely because he came out and looked for me and i was still in with alli so he went back to bed but he was still hot and could not get to sleep.
i am proud of how kind and understanding i was with him :-) i thanked him profusely for putting himself back to bed and waiting for me and NOT coming in while i was laying down with alli and helped him cool down by getting him some water and dampening his hair and back and switching out his fall blanket for his summer one again. (it was cold a few nights ago, but now isn't again) i also had him pee again, even though he'd just peed at bedtime about 45 minutes ago. AH-HA! that's why you couldn't sleep you goofball, you had like 80 gallons of pee in there.
so i tucked him back in and said good night and here i am at 9:41 and i think both kids are actually asleep!!!!!!!! i mean, of course anything could happen, but i am feeling more confident about this day than all the other days.
aaron visited today and it was nice and only a teeny bit weird. i almost said something but stopped myself mid sentence. nothing good would have come of it. the kids had fun with him and he played video games with ben and we went to the kids museum when alli got up. we have a membership and they asked "how many children and how many adults?" and i said two and two and they didn't charge us for him :-) they must have thought he was my husband! funny. the kids look enough like him it's plausible i guess. even if he is six years younger than me that's less of a big deal at (almost) 23 and (almost) 29 than it was at 11 and 17 :-)
did i mention there were um, emotions involved with him visiting ...
i'm still glad though. we went out for pho after the museum and the kids were IMHO fairly well-behaved, though not perfect and i could tell it was hard for him to accept normal kid behavior as such. i wanted to be like, dude, don't sweat the small stuff.
he stayed til 7ish and then we watched a movie and then the kids went to bed. it was one of the shortest days we've had since all of this happened. OH and ben had his first day of fall swim this morning too! considering i went to bed with alli last night at 12:40 with no alarm set, i'm proud that we a) remembered and b) were early! impressive. maybe i can get the hang of this single mom stuff eventually.
sad moment of the day: ben talking about papa in the car set alli off on a cry, but it was short-lived. nothing compared to what it would have been if it had been bedtime. and ben asked me to read him "i will always love you" and said "we should read this to papa."
fuck. i barely kept from crying at that one. (it's a book about forgiveness when someone you love does something that hurts you.) damn that kid and his amazing emotional maturity and uncanny intuition.
on the horizon:
tonight: straighten up, clean catbox, bit of dishes, maybe knit and watch HIMYM. i was supposed to watch it with stephen, but decided that i like it so much the happiness will probably outweigh the sadness. i hope.
tomorrow: jessi is coming and staying with alli when i take ben to school. coming home, laying alli down, knitting with jessi, packing. getting ben from school and driving to kent, dropping kids off to see their papa, hanging out with my mom for a bit (if there's time) and then getting ready to go see "Easy A" with alexis. i made her promise to dress up because this is probably the last date i'm going to have in a good long while. she said "yes ma'am!" i giggled. i have no idea how long we will be out for and what i'm doing about alli and sleeping and me and where and whatever. i kind of want to leave her overnight with stephen ... it's not like she doesn't cry her eyes out when she's with me and not him, so what's the difference if she's with him and not me? i mean, i'd be five minutes away, he could bring her to me if she was seriously inconsolable. i dunno ... is this for her benefit or his benefit or my benefit? or no ones? am i trying to punish him? like see, this its what it's like to be me everysingleday? or am i doing them both a favor because they miss each other so much. i don't know. i'd have more confidence in my decision if i could figure out what my real motivation was ...
tueday: ben has school again at 12:15 and i am unsure who is doing what with what kid. i would hate for me to take both of them back to everett at 11 a.m. and have that be the end of their time with their papa until next week, but logistically i can't figure out what would be the best solution ... he said he didn't mind driving, but i said i didn't want the kids to suffer through unnecessary amounts of driving just so he could see them more ... i don't know how it will work out, but we'll have to think of something ...
PS: i got this text last night "everything reminds me of you. taylor swift came on and all i want to do is go to you and hold you. i can hear you singing in my head."
me: "i appreciate what you said but mostly i am envious that you have *time* to be sad. I feel like alli is using up the household's tear quota leaving none for me.
me: "if you happen to be standing in the parking lot right now you can totally come up here and take her. i would be much obliged." (this was a reference to him driving all the way up here last tuesday to leave a flower on my car at 11 p.m.)
him: "how i wish i could say that i was"
me: "yeah i thought that would be a long shot. she just won't sleep. actually, she slept from 8:45 to 9:30 and then woke up shrieking for you. First full sentence: "papa home alli night night no mama!"
him: "i could be there by 12:30. gladly."
unfortunately, i didn't see the last text from him until much later, by which time it was already about 12:10. i called him and thanked him for the offer but said that she was showing signs of wearing down and i was pretty sure she'd be out before he got here if he hadn't already left. (he hadn't, he was waiting for an answer) and i was right. 12:40. but it was still pretty damn nice of him to offer.