To start over, you have to let go, break everything down, and go back to where you started.
When one part of my life is going wrong, I have this desire to destroy everything else.
Nothing feels right anymore. I don't feel on top of anything, I feel as if I had drifted off away from it all. In my head there are great fantasies of success and wealth and power, passionate love stories, everything I ever saw (and liked) in a movie once. But instead, its just me and this fish sitting at my desk typing strands of text hoping to find some meaning in it. I forget that's how it really is, and how its supposed to be, because I'm not there yet.
I don't know the "why." I've lost the "why." Nothing is clear. I fear I won't be able to gauge value or meaning in any other context and that's just horrible. I feel muted or blurred, thick fuzzy edges consuming anything in focus. I just can't stop thinking and I'm going nuts because of it. Its all, "yeah, I could ..." but I just don't feel it like I used to. There is no sense of urgency, no incredible desire. Its all being stuffed down into me, just like I used to have to do, because there is no place for it and I don't know what to do with it. Defense mechanism #374.
I could chalk all of this up to the fact that my fish Auric died, or that my boyfriend of 14 months and I are now "taking a 2 month break" in order to "explore other opportunities" and "have other experiences" so that we can "assess the validity of our relationship," which I never thought was invalid in the first place. Or I could tell you that the great bond I once had with my Mother is gone, or grossly misshapen. Or I could tell you that I've come to really dislike quite a few of my classmates. Or I could blame it on my extended family, who won't give me a leg to stand on. I could blame it on my lack of friendships in this place, my fear of becoming what I fear, the face I keep having to put on. I have many theories.
But I'm always talking in theory.
I really don't feel overwhelmed by, or have a major problem with these things. I had Auric for two days, and while it is sad when I pet dies, I barely knew the guy. I believe what I believe about my relationship, and think I may actually have fun dating the throng of people who seem to be interested in me. I'm going to New York soon, and I think that may help the situation with my Mother. There are also a lot of classmates that I find interesting, a mixed bag, if you will. My extended family just don't understand and would probably feel vastly different if they did. The rest of it is just me reacting to something that doesn't really exist.
Or I am in complete denial. Funny how these things work.
But for the sake of argument, lets say that these things aren't it. Then what is? What is it about where I am in life right now that I loathe? I thought this was the fun part - the struggle, strife, late nights working on side projects, always pushing. Yet I can't find the motivation to engage myself in ... anything. Everything seems to be too much, too involved, too time consuming, energy sucking. The tragedy is that this is it, what I have been saying I've wanted for ... too long. I should be excited, I should be enthralled. I should be taking this moment and every moment after that and living the poetic line. But instead, its just me and this fish sitting at my desk typing strands of text looking for meaning.
I know what I want. I want you, and I want to be venerated, I want to get into University of Chicago, I want to make an impact, I want a job, I want to struggle and know that it will pay off, I want my life to feel like those great incredible moments that seem fleeting - listening to Miles Davis while its raining, sitting in the corner of an empty, white New York apartment while Sigur Ros fills the silence. Like something is always about to happen, or is happening. Something big.
So how do I get there?
Nothing feels right anymore. I don't feel on top of anything, I feel as if I had drifted off away from it all. In my head there are great fantasies of success and wealth and power, passionate love stories, everything I ever saw (and liked) in a movie once. But instead, its just me and this fish sitting at my desk typing strands of text hoping to find some meaning in it. I forget that's how it really is, and how its supposed to be, because I'm not there yet.
I don't know the "why." I've lost the "why." Nothing is clear. I fear I won't be able to gauge value or meaning in any other context and that's just horrible. I feel muted or blurred, thick fuzzy edges consuming anything in focus. I just can't stop thinking and I'm going nuts because of it. Its all, "yeah, I could ..." but I just don't feel it like I used to. There is no sense of urgency, no incredible desire. Its all being stuffed down into me, just like I used to have to do, because there is no place for it and I don't know what to do with it. Defense mechanism #374.
I could chalk all of this up to the fact that my fish Auric died, or that my boyfriend of 14 months and I are now "taking a 2 month break" in order to "explore other opportunities" and "have other experiences" so that we can "assess the validity of our relationship," which I never thought was invalid in the first place. Or I could tell you that the great bond I once had with my Mother is gone, or grossly misshapen. Or I could tell you that I've come to really dislike quite a few of my classmates. Or I could blame it on my extended family, who won't give me a leg to stand on. I could blame it on my lack of friendships in this place, my fear of becoming what I fear, the face I keep having to put on. I have many theories.
But I'm always talking in theory.
I really don't feel overwhelmed by, or have a major problem with these things. I had Auric for two days, and while it is sad when I pet dies, I barely knew the guy. I believe what I believe about my relationship, and think I may actually have fun dating the throng of people who seem to be interested in me. I'm going to New York soon, and I think that may help the situation with my Mother. There are also a lot of classmates that I find interesting, a mixed bag, if you will. My extended family just don't understand and would probably feel vastly different if they did. The rest of it is just me reacting to something that doesn't really exist.
Or I am in complete denial. Funny how these things work.
But for the sake of argument, lets say that these things aren't it. Then what is? What is it about where I am in life right now that I loathe? I thought this was the fun part - the struggle, strife, late nights working on side projects, always pushing. Yet I can't find the motivation to engage myself in ... anything. Everything seems to be too much, too involved, too time consuming, energy sucking. The tragedy is that this is it, what I have been saying I've wanted for ... too long. I should be excited, I should be enthralled. I should be taking this moment and every moment after that and living the poetic line. But instead, its just me and this fish sitting at my desk typing strands of text looking for meaning.
I know what I want. I want you, and I want to be venerated, I want to get into University of Chicago, I want to make an impact, I want a job, I want to struggle and know that it will pay off, I want my life to feel like those great incredible moments that seem fleeting - listening to Miles Davis while its raining, sitting in the corner of an empty, white New York apartment while Sigur Ros fills the silence. Like something is always about to happen, or is happening. Something big.
So how do I get there?