Some days I ponder.
Is there a God? For some reason I'm beginning to become inclined to lean toward a "There is a God, but we've embarassed him" on that one. The more I look around, the more I begin to think something is fucked.
Churches everywhere preach eternal damnation for those that don't comform to their standards. Shit is going wrong all over the place. The world is crumbling. And if I were God I'd be ashamed.
I'm not sure anyone or anything is watching out for us anymore. I've faced a lot of trials and I know they are part of life. But just when I'm about to get the carrot it's yanked away. Only adds to the frustration. I believed in God for as long as I've been on this earth. God wouldn't do that kind of thing to torment someone, so that's partially why I think he's given up on his ravaged world. Something else is in control of the world and I think we're in a lot of trouble.
If I were God, I would have given up on us long ago. The human race deserves to be abandoned. All we can do is wait until we destroy each other. We have people in Mexico kidnapping kids, and cutting their heads off. Kids in chicago get gunned down everyday by people that do it simply because they can.
I've learned through my bouts of depression that it's almost pointless to pray to some invisible thing in the sky. It affects nothing we do on this earth. Nothing. Maybe to some if offers comfort, but it doesn't really do that for me anymore. I've learned to deal with being alone and I've learned through trying to make a life for myself. Every friend I've met in Cheyenne since leaving Laramie has turned on me and wanted nothing to do with me. If there's ever a time I've felt alone, it's definitely now. I hold out hope the feeling won't last forever.
I suppose all I can do, all any of us can do, is try to live for ourselves and stop worrying about the bigger picture. For me, I'm begginning to really believe there is no bigger picture. We created ourselves and who we are, and we'll be the ones to destroy ourselves. And then the cycle will repeat. I think if a God did create us, he left us a long time ago to our devices.
Not like any of us didn't deserve it. I've tried to be a good person, but it seems like I hit a brick wall whenever I try. It's hard to find someone that appreciates a good guy sometimes.
Life has gotten way better in the last month, because I've decided from now on, I'm only living life for me. I'm done trying to call people, text people, IM people, whatever. Let them come to me if they care. I'm done worrying about the bigger picture. I can't anymore. It's too stressful and it isn't good for me.
Just gotta try to live life the best I can. For the longest time I wore everything on my sleeve. I've been guilty of letting people get to me. Wondering what they think of me. Wondering where I went wrong with some. A lot of things have shown me it's time to stop worrying. About people, about the world, about fucking up and burning in hell.
Most people use God as a way to justify their actions, especially the negative one. "Oh, I can do this because God will forgive me." Lemme tell you, with the way the world is today I wouldn't be surprised if God gave it up a long time ago. I would too if I were him. People are assholes anymore. Not a lot of care and compassion left in the world.
I've become a lot happier. Clensed if you will. It's a giant pressure that has been lifted off my shoulder. I have found the few people that have consistently proven that they still have the loyalty and love that draws me to people in the first place. My attitude anymore is that something evil is in control of our world, but there's nothing we can do about it now. Humanity is going to undo itself very soon I feel. Things just keep going downhill. Call me pessimistic or what you will, but look around. It's happening.
I've decided all I can do is try to be a good person to those that matter most. I've tried my hardest not to feel abandoned by others, but for some reason as hard as I try I can't shake the feeling. But that's ok. I'll be living my life with those I love the most. I'll get to see one of the best girls that's been a part of my life for a long time now this summer. I'll be active, having fun, lifting weights, golfing, playing tennis, and enjoying the sunlight.
We're supposedly in for a hell of a tornado filled summer too. My buddy at the local weather service tells me the climate has finally reached the breaking point in Wyoming and it may be a rough one. I used to get in my car and drive out to find the funnel cloud anytime we had a warning. Now I have a video camera. I have my insane habits and that's one of them. I am slated to be the best man at my best friend's wedding this June. Things are looking up. I can't worry about my past anymore. I can only worry about those that have shown me they want to be part of my future. And those people have made it clear they're with me for better or for worse.
Don't get me wrong. I still have my faith. But it's different now. The world has become an evil place. I feel if I try to be the best guy I can be, then when that day comes I'll be taken care of. It's all I can do. It's all any of us can do.
I definitely urge everyone to keep those you truly care about close to you. Don't put it off. Don't say "Eh, I'll contact them one of these days."
One of these days, we're all not gonna be here anymore.