Everything I learned, I learned from GTA 4.
The last couple nights have been eventful. Why you may ask? A little videogame called Grand Theft Auto 4. I'm sure you've heard of it. In this rendition you are free to roam a damn near full mock up of New York City while doing missions or causing general mayhem. I've learned a few lessons playing this game. Now that I've beaten the game, I can share these lessons with you.
1. If you are in a nice, high speed vehicle, you had best be sure you are a nice, perfect high speed driver. I say this because many a time I have found myself in a nice Corvette, happily speeding down a bridge enjoying the view of the approaching skyline. Suddenly there's a fire hydrant, placed near the bridge by some public works people trying to make the city a more friendly place. Unfortunately the ensuing psychotic flips and crash into the nearby burger restaurant makes that particular block of the city a triage unit.
2. There is always a possibility that your swing set may in fact be possessed by Satan. Near the very first safehouse I acquired, I came upon a nice, happy little playground. Well my friends, this place is anything but kid friendly. I drove my car into the place because I wanted to see if I could knock down the swing set. As I nudged one of the swings with my car, I was violently flung backwards and into the air. As I sailed over buildings, I enjoyed the view until I made contact with the windshield and exited the vehicle in an rather disorderly fashion. I thought it was a weird glitch so I drove another car back to the swing set. Sure as shit, I went flying again. At least the restaurant across the street looks a little cooler with a car on it's awning.
3. You may think the programmers didn't go as far as to program gas stations to explode, but you are dead wrong. The amount of detail in this game is insane, and the programmers spared no expense in making sure everything is as realistic as possible. It seems like common sense now, but at one point or another you will be tempted to launch a rocket into a gas pump. Take my advice and do this from across the fucking street. You'll thank me for it.
4. While on a motorcyle, it's a very bad idea to get the urge to ride it in the subway. And if for some stupid, unholy reason you decide to do this, for the love of God make sure you know which direction the trains are going. Stay on the track that has the train traveling in the same direction as you. It's pretty disheartening to be speeding down a dark tunnel like a badass daredevil only to round a corner and make contact with a chunk of metal traveling at speeds that would make Evil Knievel cream in his pants.
5. While on top of a tremendously large and tall building, make sure you know which button to hit when you happen to spot a ladder leading down to a ledge. I was on top of the Empire State Building(called Rotterdam Tower in the game), and I spied a ladder leading to a ledge. I wanted to see if there was anything down there, so I approached the ladder and prepared to make my descent. See, you hit the Y button to mount a ladder, but my dumb ass hit the X button. The X button in question makes you leap over shit. So it came to pass that I indeed did make my descent. And I didn't even have much time to wave at anyone on the way down to the street.
6. Stay the fuck away from the airport. See, in this day and age when terrorism a major fear, going anywhere past the airport terminal is not a good idea. The fear of terrorism is alive and well in this game. I went back to the jetway areas to get a look at the planes. Imagine my surprise when I got a 4 star wanted level. As it turns out, anyone approaching an airplane with a gun drawn really tends to freak the feds out. And, no, approaching a plane unarmed is no good either. Apparently the feds frown upon anyone not wearing an airport uniform. And they frown upon you with much misery and death.
7. When you have anything above a 4 star wanted level, losing the police in a helicopter is a really good way to interrupt the flow of your weekend. See, they have helicopters too. Their's have bullets. And rockets. And you know what? They always manage to catch right up to you, and they have absolutely no shame in letting a couple rockets into the side of your chopper. Don't think about trying to increase your altitude to evade them either. Yes, their choppers too can increase altitude. Enjoy the joyride while you can. Then enjoy the fireworks. If you manage to shoot at one of their choppers and manage to shoot one down, be prepared for two more to take it's place. And they won't pause in between shots.
8. If you decide to steal a car, you had better hope the driver isn't packing something they could use to make your life miserable. I've made this mistake more than once. I've pulled people out of their vehicles only to find myself on the business end of a baseball bat. I don't care what kind of weapon you may have. A baseball bat will fuck up your day. This is why I've taken to shooting through windshields before I steal a car. Just a bit of friendly advice.
I may add more to this. For now, read and absorb. This information may save your life one day.