Bron-Yr-Aur
Dear Journal, last night was the most painful so far in my body changes. My breast tissue decided to keep the factory open all night. Yeouch. They are now very itchy too. I managed to find some very old heating pads (ca. 2002) which did not quite work well. They soothed for a while though. Enough to get some sleep. Comparing my old flat chest, to the one I am growing now, there is significant difference. Not even at my heaviest of 200 lbs. many years back did I have "moobs". It's a road to validation for me. Breasts do not make the woman but it sure feels awesome to look down and see them poking out through my tops. I do find the pains and aches well worth it. I also am finding the mood swings and crying also worth it. I feel right inside. Like a thirst was finally quenched. Aside from the not so desirable moods, I smile now. A lot. I feel such a deep joy now. I have found my true self underneath the rubble of a failed marriage and basically a life I was forced to live that all came tumbling down.
Also, for the first time this weekend I went out in my home town as my true self. And not to an LGBT bar or under the cover of Halloween but to a rock bar that the "straits" go to. It was nerve racking. I was a mess and swear I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown but I managed to live LOL. Old friends in the local music community, that my male counterpart was apart of for so long, greeted me with open arms. I did get "bro'd" a lot but since I saw it was out of a kind gesture of friendship I didn't mind too too much. I just hope the female pronouns will follow soon. Since I finally feel love for who I am, I felt I was my own Valentine this year. And took myself out. Out into a whole new world I was so desperately in need to explore and become a part of. I am free now.