The Condensed Triple-Tarantino Romeo and Juliet
The friar dude establishes that Juliet will be unconscious for three hours but Romeo finds her pretty quick and like it's a bad episode of Frasier he thinks she's dead but unlike a bad episode of Frasier he's got about three hours left to just blah blah blah before swallowing his skull and crossbones bottle like a pussy then she wakes up to find her dead boyfriend and just wants to snuff it but she hears people coming and says "I'll be brief" and you are like "thank god" and then she knifes herself out like a pro.
But before that Romeo has his badass moment when Tybalt is all "I hate you! Kill me bro!" and Romeo is like "no" so Tybalt stabs Mercutio and Romeo is like "walk it off man; it can't be that bad" but it is that bad and Romeo offs Tybalt after all for being a dick and killing his boy, so the prince or whoever is all "GTFO or die" but Romeo decides he likes having sex with his wife better than skipping town so he does that instead.
But before that Romeo gatecrashes this party, because the Capulets have the best booze I guess, and this chick Juliet is there, and he thinks she's really hot even though their families hate each other, so he decides to sneak around in her garden like a creeper and hears her talking about how hot this Romeo guy is, and he calls out to her and naturally she wants to know who this guy is sneaking around her garden but instead of being freaked and disgusted and having him carted away they have a confab about nomenclature and decide to get married, so after a while they go to Romeo's buddy the friar who says he'll marry them but he's not leaving them alone together until then.