Rachel Berry and autonomy.
Some people hate Glee in general, and so, naturally, they would hate what goes along with it, and hate Rachel Berry. But it shocks me when fans of the show still can hate Rachel Berry. Perhaps it's for the same reasons that most of the other characters have for hating her--they find her self-absorbed, aggressive, and frankly, just too damn intense. At first, when I started watching the show, I'll admit that she did kind of annoy me (though, I will also admit that for some strange reason, I also found that same quality about her somehow endearing). I'm not a very pushy person, and I often felt that I spent an exceedingly large amount of time concerned over others, so naturally we all could assume that I would be instantly repelled by her abrasive and sometimes narcissistic personality.
So she didn't quite have me at hello.
But I started to see something in her, and she had me at Mash-Up.
Rachel: I just think you want it too much. Which is something I can relate to. I want everything too much.
I could so relate to this aspect of her personality--maybe it's my Taurus showing, but I am always wanting. I don't usually feel fulfilled, even when I accomplish something. There's always something that I'm searching for, looking for, needing to get and discover and achieve. I suppose, in some ways, this is natural--humans want things, and want to become things, and really, when are we ever done reaching our fullest potential? Isn't life's only guaranteed constant the concept of change, and isn't the only way we can tame and control change by channeling it into personal growth? But I take this to the extreme. My goals--I don't just reach for them, I fixate. A lot. And sometimes I get in my own way. And so does Rachel. So ever since this moment, she has been my favorite character. And I discovered why her intensity was so endearing to me--because even though I haven't been living as passionately as she does, and I haven't been nearly as forceful in my journey toward any dreams whatsoever, I value intensity. I'm not a Broadway fanatic or a person who gets a particularly crazy high from a power ballad belted by Barbra Streisand. But I find intensity in even the most seemingly insignificant of experiences. To me, every day is pregnant with potentiality; it's rife with the opportunity for something modest to coalesce with insight and create meaning. So I seek out intentionality in even the most minute of details. In things most people would relegate to mere happenstance, I look for (and can often find, though sometimes I do exaggerate) evidence of profundity. This is, perhaps, partly a factor in why I care so deeply that others look as closely as I do--I want them to see. I want everyone to be sensitive to the fact that what you do, or say, or even don't do or don't say, matters. Just as the day holds opportunities, we all have the capacity to nurture or crush something special, and either can happen at any moment.
But, if I'm being honest, I want others to realize this so they will relate it to me... which is probably how I also relate to Rachel. She just wants to be seen, to be acknowledged, and maybe even a little encouraged by someone. The other characters don't realize how much power they truly hold--how much she truly puts at stake each time she reveals her deep desires. And yet I realize here--there's the wonderful dichotomy in Rachel's character: even if she is so invested in the others' perceptions of her and their reactions to her, she's equally engulfed by her determination to achieve and to be the star she's meant to be. It's sometimes frustrating to watch her bounce so often between a social outcast who yearns so much to be accepted and cherished to the prideful young starlet engrained in her personality, who blazes toward self-attained fulfillment.
She can go from...
Rachel: Being a part of something special makes you special, right?
To...
Rachel: My dreams are bigger than that. And they're bigger than you.
And this struggle of the two goals... Well, it's heartbreakingly accurate of my own struggle toward happiness-- Is my barrier that I don't make myself a priority, or in my quest for growth have I isolated myself and would I rather now choose belongingness?
I know, logically, that the answer is both. But sometimes, like tonight, it hurts too much to allow others in on my growth, because...
Well, like I said before, people often don't realize just how much power they have--how much just what they say can nurture or snub out a person's worthiness.
...
I didn't want him to make my desire to change into the measuring stick of his success as my companion... now I'm letting two people down instead of just myself. Additionally, I've been stripped of self-government, and instead of going at my own pace, working in and making mistakes in my own way so that I will get the most out of it later, it's like I'm being graded, and constantly found wanting. (There's that word again.) But what really hurts?
What really hurts is realizing who I want to become and who he thinks he's motivating me to work toward are actually two different people... and even though I'm seeing this, being able to untangle which traits belong to who's version of me is starting to look impossible.
What have I done
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right
So she didn't quite have me at hello.
But I started to see something in her, and she had me at Mash-Up.
Rachel: I just think you want it too much. Which is something I can relate to. I want everything too much.
I could so relate to this aspect of her personality--maybe it's my Taurus showing, but I am always wanting. I don't usually feel fulfilled, even when I accomplish something. There's always something that I'm searching for, looking for, needing to get and discover and achieve. I suppose, in some ways, this is natural--humans want things, and want to become things, and really, when are we ever done reaching our fullest potential? Isn't life's only guaranteed constant the concept of change, and isn't the only way we can tame and control change by channeling it into personal growth? But I take this to the extreme. My goals--I don't just reach for them, I fixate. A lot. And sometimes I get in my own way. And so does Rachel. So ever since this moment, she has been my favorite character. And I discovered why her intensity was so endearing to me--because even though I haven't been living as passionately as she does, and I haven't been nearly as forceful in my journey toward any dreams whatsoever, I value intensity. I'm not a Broadway fanatic or a person who gets a particularly crazy high from a power ballad belted by Barbra Streisand. But I find intensity in even the most seemingly insignificant of experiences. To me, every day is pregnant with potentiality; it's rife with the opportunity for something modest to coalesce with insight and create meaning. So I seek out intentionality in even the most minute of details. In things most people would relegate to mere happenstance, I look for (and can often find, though sometimes I do exaggerate) evidence of profundity. This is, perhaps, partly a factor in why I care so deeply that others look as closely as I do--I want them to see. I want everyone to be sensitive to the fact that what you do, or say, or even don't do or don't say, matters. Just as the day holds opportunities, we all have the capacity to nurture or crush something special, and either can happen at any moment.
But, if I'm being honest, I want others to realize this so they will relate it to me... which is probably how I also relate to Rachel. She just wants to be seen, to be acknowledged, and maybe even a little encouraged by someone. The other characters don't realize how much power they truly hold--how much she truly puts at stake each time she reveals her deep desires. And yet I realize here--there's the wonderful dichotomy in Rachel's character: even if she is so invested in the others' perceptions of her and their reactions to her, she's equally engulfed by her determination to achieve and to be the star she's meant to be. It's sometimes frustrating to watch her bounce so often between a social outcast who yearns so much to be accepted and cherished to the prideful young starlet engrained in her personality, who blazes toward self-attained fulfillment.
She can go from...
Rachel: Being a part of something special makes you special, right?
To...
Rachel: My dreams are bigger than that. And they're bigger than you.
And this struggle of the two goals... Well, it's heartbreakingly accurate of my own struggle toward happiness-- Is my barrier that I don't make myself a priority, or in my quest for growth have I isolated myself and would I rather now choose belongingness?
I know, logically, that the answer is both. But sometimes, like tonight, it hurts too much to allow others in on my growth, because...
Well, like I said before, people often don't realize just how much power they have--how much just what they say can nurture or snub out a person's worthiness.
...
I didn't want him to make my desire to change into the measuring stick of his success as my companion... now I'm letting two people down instead of just myself. Additionally, I've been stripped of self-government, and instead of going at my own pace, working in and making mistakes in my own way so that I will get the most out of it later, it's like I'm being graded, and constantly found wanting. (There's that word again.) But what really hurts?
What really hurts is realizing who I want to become and who he thinks he's motivating me to work toward are actually two different people... and even though I'm seeing this, being able to untangle which traits belong to who's version of me is starting to look impossible.
What have I done
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right