And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me

[only_mostlydead]

Characters: Alice Shepard and Garrus Vakarian
Location: In their apartment, back on Coruscant
Planet: Coruscant!
When: Week 25
What: So maybe it's time to talk about that relationship-thing
Rating: 8| It could go up to R

Comments

[popaheatsink]

Garrus's rifle was in pieces, each one being methodically cleaned and oiled before being put back together. The floor of his room looked like a minature salvage yard at the moment. The parts were slightly different here, but he had been relieved to find the science of guns was still pretty much the same. So much else was different; too much, it seemed like at times. This universe was so familiar at times and then utterly mind-boggling at others. It was hard to keep a steady head.

So this was something to take his mind off things and relax him. He'd been tense, riled up since the bombings, and this was one way he knew to relieve stress. He'd prefer to get up and work on the ship's gun calibrations, except ships here didn't work like that, not exactly. Which made no sense.

So his options were limited. This-- an old activity, almost muscle memory by now and something he could do in his sleep-- eased a bit of tension and gave him room to think. But it wasn't enough. He needed something a bit more physical, or he needed to bite his tongue and just swallow the tenseness that had frozen up his muscles. Shepard-- he wasn't sure she was an option at the moment, for sparring or otherwise, not sure if she was still angry at him for slightly disobeying her orders. He wasn't stupid enough to ask Jack to spar, Joker couldn't, and he didn't know the new people well enough yet. He was on the verge of swallowing his pride and possibly going to see what Thane was up to when his door swooshed open.

Garrus jerked his head up in surprise, then climbed to his feet in a quick and graceful movement belying his size. "Commander." Oh. Uh. "Need me for something?"

[only_mostlydead]

Angry over his return at the hospital? No. In all technicalities that could be given, her orders had been to take Jack back to the Normandy and leave her behind to do what she possibly could for the survivors of the blast. Shepard had never given any order about staying on board the Normandy, and to be honest, she was glad that he had returned to help her. It was far easier to share a burden than to grin and bear it alone.

But the point was, he hadn't come back because of duty to his commander, and he hadn't disagreed with the order at first because he wanted to be a hero.

It was because of her, and Shepard knew it.

"Just thought that we could talk, Garrus." She paused, leaning her hip against the doorway, arms crossed over her chest before continuing. "Unless you're busy." It was easy to tell that he really wasn't, but she didn't want to back him into a corner either.

They could either talk now, or Garrus could wave her off. That would be that.

[popaheatsink]

Garrus glanced at her, then at the parts on the floor, then back at his Commander. For a moment he considered telling her to come back later-- code for him not really wanting to talk-- before he sighed and told himself to man up. Reaching for her arm, he drew her fully into the room so the door would close behind her. It hissed shut, giving them some semblance privacy.

He wasn't entirely sure he knew what this was about, and let go of her after a moment, also not wanting to make her feel like she was being pushed into anything. "Is everything all right, Shepard?"

[only_mostlydead]

"I don't even know anymore, Garrus."

There. An admission, one that seemed too easy to say when she had spent so long building herself up to face the impossible, conquer death itself.

Tilting her head, she stared at him for a moment before snorting, rubbing the back of her neck. Here she was, making a right ass of herself, and for what, really? Yet, she still didn't know how she could push her walls down, let herself be vulnerable.

She was the commander.

Shepard groaned, reaching back out for Garrus, tugging him closer until her head was resting on his chest. "I could have lost you."

[popaheatsink]

That had not been what he was expecting. He blinks at her, startled at the admission, unsure what to say. Shepard was always confident, always sure, and if she ever doubted anything she got angry about it and bashed on ahead anyway. He wasn't used to hearing her sound... uncertain.

Although he was beginning to realize he had put her up on a rather unrealistic pedestal when they had first met, and he was still coming to grips with the idea of the real her instead of the idealistic version of her he had built up. He had been growing into something of a real friend rather than a colleague, and he wanted her to feel safe enough to be honest with him.

But he still wasn't sure what to say, standing there in awkward silence until she moved. Touching him, pulling herself close, that self-conscious groan making him almost smile. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, forgetting to check his strength for a moment, although this was Shepard and he had no doubt she could handle it.

His gloved claws dug into her back, and Garrus grit his teeth for a moment, silent. Breathing in her scent, holding her here and now calmed something that had been dark and agitated inside him ever since Nar Shadda.

Him? She could have lost him? Was she kidding? "I wasn't the one who insisted on staying behind."

[only_mostlydead]

That was exactly what she needed, for him to hold her back, especially right now. It had crossed her mind often that her crew must have seen her as some sort of god, a paragon that was removed from them. But she was very human, in the most basic of senses. She had feelings and faults, and sometimes she just needed someone to comfort her.

Shepard sighed, not moving, not even wincing at the crushing feel of his arms or the claws in her back. It was real, and he was real. She just needed this moment to last a little longer.

"Jack was hurt. Somebody needed to stay behind to help the survivors, and somebody needed to make sure she got back to the Normandy." It was the only logical solution she could see.

[popaheatsink]

He was both honored and troubled by the fact that she trusted him enough now to come to when she needed comfort. Honored because she trusted him so deeply she would open herself that way; troubled because he still hadn't quite defeated that image of paragonal perfection he'd cut out for her.

Although he was learning, being allowed to see these things bit by bit, the things she normally hid from the rest of the world. He exhaled, pulling her tighter against him for a moment before relaxing his grip. Though he still didn't let her go.

"I know." As with most things, it was only after the battle that he could see and accept in her decisions the wisdom that was. She knew what she was doing, and he knew she had been right, even if he didn't like it.

And he really hadn't liked it.

[only_mostlydead]

"We're a team, Garrus. We have to look out for each other, all of us. I'm not anymore important than the others," she spoke softly, making sure that he understood the importance of her words. Finally, she moved out of his embrace, to make it easier to look at him, to explain herself.

It gave her a twinge of guilt to have to say these words when it was Kaidan that had first used them. But he wasn't here, and even more, he hadn't believed in her the way Garrus had.

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest, taking a deep breath. "Garrus, if we're going to continue on, we have to put the crew and the mission ahead of ourselves. We can't get in the way of what's important."

[popaheatsink]

He blinked, slowly, processing her small speech as she pulled away from him. They didn't... quite sound like her own words, though he had no doubt she meant them.

The fact that she was worried about this sort of thing at all puzzled him.

"Of course not." He cocked his head at her, watching her move, watching her ... was she nervous? He prided himself on being able to recognize most human mannerisms, but sometimes Shepard still caught him off guard. "We never would. You never would. We're soldiers, Shepard, and we both understand the..." Wait. Hang on. Something she'd said suddenly broke through the confused haze in his mind. "...What did you mean by 'continue on'?"

[only_mostlydead]

She was getting ready to protest, to let him know that when he had questioned her orders earlier, when she had been concerned only for his welfare initially after the explosion, that had been them putting each other before the other, but then he asked that stupid question. Her gaze hit him squarely, an expression of confusion and amusement mingling on her face.

"Continue on what we have. A relationship, Garrus." The word felt heavy and foreign on her tongue, but she wasn't going to shy away from it now.

[popaheatsink]

He was a bad turian. He tended to question orders. With her, he trusted her enough to do it aloud. That didn't mean he wouldn't follow her orders without hesitation when the time came to it, and it didn't mean he was ever going to let that jeopardize a mission.

He would have told her all that except that suddenly his mouth was completely dry. He stared at her for a moment, blinking once, twice. And then he replied softly, "Oh." He hesitated, then forged onwards because he didn't know where else to go, with a forced grin because he didn't know how else to look. "So, just to be clear, this has moved beyond-- ah-- just relieving tension?"

[only_mostlydead]

Shepard stepped closer to him again so that she was within physical proximity. Reaching her hands out, she cupped his face, fingers rubbing gently against his mandibles. She smiled then, but the look in her eyes still said that he was an idiot. "Garrus, I think we moved well beyond relieving tension when you attempted to seduce me with wine and music, don't you? We just..."

Her thumb brushed over the scar on his face, caressing it. "We just never had time to think about it until now, and even now, we're a little late on admitting it to each other, aren't we?"

[popaheatsink]

His eyes close when she touches him, and a brief and nearly imperceptible shudder flows through him when her thumb grazes his scar. He was an idiot sometimes, he knew that, but never in his wildest dreams had he dared hope Commander Shepard would be in his room saying these things to him.

And she seemed to mean it.

He reaches up to clasp her wrists in his talons, gently, not to pull her away but -- maybe just to reassure himself that she was really there, those were really her hands, and he wasn't just hallucinating. "Shepard. I-- I... I just..." He was no good at this. Break past the sarcasm, the false bravado, the arrogant wall and he was-- he was a bumbling idiot, stumbling over simple words and scared to death of stepping on a proverbial land mine. How did she do this to him? Break past all his defenses so easily, until he was laid bare and vulnerable with nothing left to hide behind?

[only_mostlydead]

She stood there, watching him, allowing him to hold her wrists, a small smile on her face. "Just take it easy, soldier. Look, we know how we feel about each other. And we both want this relationship?" She didn't mean for it to inflect into a question, but these things were never easy for her, and the woman just had to be sure. Deep down, on the surface, she knew the answer a hundred times over, but it had to be asked, an answer had to be said out loud.

"It doesn't change anything about us, our dynamic. It just... Makes things more open, so don't start getting soft on me. Okay?" Her smile moved into a teasing grin. "I like it more when you pretend to be doing calibrations more than your stuttering, as cute as it is."

[popaheatsink]

He stares at her in shock at the question. "Yes," He answers instantly. It was obvious, wasn't it? He has never been very good about hiding his feelings around her.

Exhaling in a slight sigh, he releases her wrists, reaching out instead to grab her hips and tug her closer. "I just honestly never thought -- are you sure, Shepard? About me?"

[only_mostlydead]

"Garrus, come on. When have I ever done anything I wasn't fully committed to?" She gave him a flat look, not resisting as he pulled her closer. Her head leaned forward, resting against his shoulder. "I'm sure."