Self destruct imminent
Yeah so I've pretty much turned this place into a stomping ground for me to explode or anything that i need to get off my chest. Well this is the time. I have to get it off my chest or bad things will occur. (Eventhough they already have)
This week so far has been hell. Too much has been surmounting upon me to the fact that I just can't take it anymore. I know I've brought a ton of this on myself and maybe all this hate/anger/suffering/whatever I want to call is my own damn fault. But seriously did the small things that I did really have to result the things that I'm currently going through.... I don't think so.
I'm going scream i swear or at least maybe blow up cause that would get a grand choice. (not really going to blow just using that a metaphor) My uncle is dying. There is not maybe about or anything the man has fluid entering his lungs and there is nothing the doctors can do to help him. I've known about this for awhile and that's not what bothering me it's the my grandfather that I'm most worried about cause he is taking the hardest. And my extend family could care less all they want is the land that they won't inherit cause it won't be there. Cause odds are we are going to loose the land that has been in my family for years. the land that i grew up on and has so many memories to me. And I can rally my family to be a family cause they won't quit fighting on another.
I've lied to my friends. I've been talking to and my ex and spending time with her cause I found her an interesting person and I've been conflicted and guilt ridden for awhile. Now that the cats out on that one I'm soon coming to an end after recent light of things to deal with this, pray that my anger doesn't take hold cause heaven forbid I explore on someone. I'm sorry to my friends for doing this. I've been fearful of everyone cause I feel like I'm being held on a scale when I become interested in someone. Either everyone doesn't tell me everything they think and talk amongst them selves or I feel like everyone just flat out ignores me till the thing either fall apart or I get hurt in the in. I understand everyone cares but I wish everyone would be alot easier about it and just come up front. I feel like I'm being puppeted from behind. Cause my friends are my family. I've has trust issues with my mom and step-dad for years and it bleeds over into my life cause I just want people to be up front. Even though I haven't I've felt horrible about it for months now and it's slowly ate me apart. Till now everything has gone wrong.
I've lost something dear to me. something I felt like I fucked up beyond all belief cause I can't handle things cause I have delusions of grandeur and just wish for some glimmer of light in the fucked up life I live. I'm so torn over it I don't know which way is up or which way is out other than just leaving going away from here. But I can't I have responsibilities to live up to. And there is no where to go cause I can't support myself if I do. And all of this stems from me believe that great things will happen.
How come doing the "right thing" sucks so much. How come being a hero and making sure others happiness doesn't bring about mine. Kharma where is my turn? Why so I have to suffer like this? If in the end I loose everything and everyone goes away cause I can't talk about my feeling or I can't tell everyone everything then I guess I deserve it. I'm done now can't think of anything else to write about or talk about probably best now to chill on my music and try and enjoy my night.
This week so far has been hell. Too much has been surmounting upon me to the fact that I just can't take it anymore. I know I've brought a ton of this on myself and maybe all this hate/anger/suffering/whatever I want to call is my own damn fault. But seriously did the small things that I did really have to result the things that I'm currently going through.... I don't think so.
I'm going scream i swear or at least maybe blow up cause that would get a grand choice. (not really going to blow just using that a metaphor) My uncle is dying. There is not maybe about or anything the man has fluid entering his lungs and there is nothing the doctors can do to help him. I've known about this for awhile and that's not what bothering me it's the my grandfather that I'm most worried about cause he is taking the hardest. And my extend family could care less all they want is the land that they won't inherit cause it won't be there. Cause odds are we are going to loose the land that has been in my family for years. the land that i grew up on and has so many memories to me. And I can rally my family to be a family cause they won't quit fighting on another.
I've lied to my friends. I've been talking to and my ex and spending time with her cause I found her an interesting person and I've been conflicted and guilt ridden for awhile. Now that the cats out on that one I'm soon coming to an end after recent light of things to deal with this, pray that my anger doesn't take hold cause heaven forbid I explore on someone. I'm sorry to my friends for doing this. I've been fearful of everyone cause I feel like I'm being held on a scale when I become interested in someone. Either everyone doesn't tell me everything they think and talk amongst them selves or I feel like everyone just flat out ignores me till the thing either fall apart or I get hurt in the in. I understand everyone cares but I wish everyone would be alot easier about it and just come up front. I feel like I'm being puppeted from behind. Cause my friends are my family. I've has trust issues with my mom and step-dad for years and it bleeds over into my life cause I just want people to be up front. Even though I haven't I've felt horrible about it for months now and it's slowly ate me apart. Till now everything has gone wrong.
I've lost something dear to me. something I felt like I fucked up beyond all belief cause I can't handle things cause I have delusions of grandeur and just wish for some glimmer of light in the fucked up life I live. I'm so torn over it I don't know which way is up or which way is out other than just leaving going away from here. But I can't I have responsibilities to live up to. And there is no where to go cause I can't support myself if I do. And all of this stems from me believe that great things will happen.
How come doing the "right thing" sucks so much. How come being a hero and making sure others happiness doesn't bring about mine. Kharma where is my turn? Why so I have to suffer like this? If in the end I loose everything and everyone goes away cause I can't talk about my feeling or I can't tell everyone everything then I guess I deserve it. I'm done now can't think of anything else to write about or talk about probably best now to chill on my music and try and enjoy my night.