so after much crying. I've debated with myself...
I have to break up with Nathan. Well at least im being forced to do so. My mother and I had a lengthy talk about all the wrong decisions i am making and how Nathan is one of them. She is going to send me to boot camp if i dont shape my life better. I mean she was serious, she called my dad and simply stated " Do you have the money? Im not puting up with her anymore. Meet me at the camp in a half an hour." It was terrible. She even called my step-father Todd and said "Come home, we're leaving and i need you to watch the kids while im gone." She told me that all the girls she had known that had dated before they were16 wound up pregnant and she didnt want me to be one. She said that it wasnt 50% chance that it was 100%. ( i felt like screaming " I LOVE HIM!") The only worse part was i couldnt say anything, I was crying too much. I have to hurt the only person that means something to me. The only person who has given a rat's hairy behind about whats going on. The person that comes up to me and says, "How are you?" and means it. I feel like trash. He's my best friend, my savior, my life and my soul. and i have to break his heart. How am i going to ever going to be able to look him in the eyes again? I might as well get used to being alone. No more Saturday movies, or giving the "come hither" look when i want to talk to him during choir (or kiss). Its not fair and i dont think ill be able to do it.
Which brings me to my next subject. Religion. He's mormon, im inactive (i dont believe anymore) and he wants a girl that he can bring to the temple and be sealed with for all eternity. Im not one of those girls that will be able to dress in all white and feel clean. If i want to be with him i have to worship a so called "God". Which as of now i dont believe exists. My mother cried today, because of me. Because i dont believe in her God.She told me about how when i was younger i wouldnt be able to find my shoes for like 40 minutes and i would go up to her and say "mommy, i cant find my shoes. Pray to Heavenly Father, I know then that we'll find it." and the first place she would look she would find it. I dont know if this is true, but i do know that when i was younger that i had a devout testimony in my chruch. I heard this really true thing on a tv show. I dont remember which one but it goes like this "Faith is like a lttle cup filled with a little bit of water. When you're young it's full. but as you grow your cup grows too and the little bit of water stays." I really dont want to raise my kids in confusion. If anything its going to be no religion, or a damn good religion that me and my spouse believe in. So i believe that im going to have to start going to church again and praying. I thought that i would never think of doing that but for Nathan it seems worth it.
My mother told me that im also the trouble in her life. I cant risk giving my mom attitude anymore. She has high blood pressure, so if i do anything unexpectedly it could probably kill her. I have to be on my best behavior. Starting now.
Which brings me to my next subject. Religion. He's mormon, im inactive (i dont believe anymore) and he wants a girl that he can bring to the temple and be sealed with for all eternity. Im not one of those girls that will be able to dress in all white and feel clean. If i want to be with him i have to worship a so called "God". Which as of now i dont believe exists. My mother cried today, because of me. Because i dont believe in her God.She told me about how when i was younger i wouldnt be able to find my shoes for like 40 minutes and i would go up to her and say "mommy, i cant find my shoes. Pray to Heavenly Father, I know then that we'll find it." and the first place she would look she would find it. I dont know if this is true, but i do know that when i was younger that i had a devout testimony in my chruch. I heard this really true thing on a tv show. I dont remember which one but it goes like this "Faith is like a lttle cup filled with a little bit of water. When you're young it's full. but as you grow your cup grows too and the little bit of water stays." I really dont want to raise my kids in confusion. If anything its going to be no religion, or a damn good religion that me and my spouse believe in. So i believe that im going to have to start going to church again and praying. I thought that i would never think of doing that but for Nathan it seems worth it.
My mother told me that im also the trouble in her life. I cant risk giving my mom attitude anymore. She has high blood pressure, so if i do anything unexpectedly it could probably kill her. I have to be on my best behavior. Starting now.