(no subject)
I honestly consider killing myself every day. Shut up, I'm not really going to do it, nor have I ever attempted, but it is a daily contemplation. Why you ask. Well. My life only appears to get better. It is a facade. For example, Wes. I have never felt more strongly about a practical stranger, and for a while thought that he would be my boyfriend. He only appeared to be the ideal man that I have been so ardently searching for. Really, although he is everything I could ever want, he is just like every one else.
So it goes in cycles. For two weeks, life is great. I've got two jobs, a possible boyfriend, and hopes of attending a college that will be affordable and fun. Now I have but one job, a "friend with benefits" that I'm close to falling in love with, and a college that appears, theres that word again, to be inexpensive because the tuition is 16,000, but is really costing my family and I 14,000 out of pocket. Depaul is 32,000, but we only payed 11,000. Columbia doesn't offer the same financial aid, reminding me once again what a failure I am.
If only this summer would have gone as planned. Sure, I still wouldnt have a boyfriend, but I would have a great school to go to, that would be affordable and wonderful.
I like wes. I want to be with him. I'm not sure if that's possible. I have accepted his indecisiveness and have lost all expectations. I will continue to talk with him and relate to him, because he is a person that I need right now. I need him to keep me focused and motivated. That's his greatest gift.
As for 32 year old, you'll never guess what happenend. Last night, Wes was in my bed, playing my guitar, and singing a song that he wrote (so sexy), when the door buzzed. I got out of bed thinking that it was my roomates friend who has been staying with us, but it was 32year old. I freaked, ran into my bedroom and ordered Wes to stay in my room. I went downstairs and there he was. With his bike. And his socks. And weird sneakers. He hugged me for 30 seconds and asked me how I was. I was very distant, feeling extremely uncomfortable and out of control. I lied. I told him I was sleeping.....ya sleeping in my jeans.....he didn't look to happy, but smiled anyway, and pedaled away. I told Wes what happened. He was still kinda drunk so he blew it off, but even if he was sober it wouldnt be a big deal. I like that about him.
Tonight i'll call 32 year old and let him down easy. I can't date some one that much older. I don't know if I'm in a position to be in a relationship right now. I have enough stress.
So it goes in cycles. For two weeks, life is great. I've got two jobs, a possible boyfriend, and hopes of attending a college that will be affordable and fun. Now I have but one job, a "friend with benefits" that I'm close to falling in love with, and a college that appears, theres that word again, to be inexpensive because the tuition is 16,000, but is really costing my family and I 14,000 out of pocket. Depaul is 32,000, but we only payed 11,000. Columbia doesn't offer the same financial aid, reminding me once again what a failure I am.
If only this summer would have gone as planned. Sure, I still wouldnt have a boyfriend, but I would have a great school to go to, that would be affordable and wonderful.
I like wes. I want to be with him. I'm not sure if that's possible. I have accepted his indecisiveness and have lost all expectations. I will continue to talk with him and relate to him, because he is a person that I need right now. I need him to keep me focused and motivated. That's his greatest gift.
As for 32 year old, you'll never guess what happenend. Last night, Wes was in my bed, playing my guitar, and singing a song that he wrote (so sexy), when the door buzzed. I got out of bed thinking that it was my roomates friend who has been staying with us, but it was 32year old. I freaked, ran into my bedroom and ordered Wes to stay in my room. I went downstairs and there he was. With his bike. And his socks. And weird sneakers. He hugged me for 30 seconds and asked me how I was. I was very distant, feeling extremely uncomfortable and out of control. I lied. I told him I was sleeping.....ya sleeping in my jeans.....he didn't look to happy, but smiled anyway, and pedaled away. I told Wes what happened. He was still kinda drunk so he blew it off, but even if he was sober it wouldnt be a big deal. I like that about him.
Tonight i'll call 32 year old and let him down easy. I can't date some one that much older. I don't know if I'm in a position to be in a relationship right now. I have enough stress.