logic vs. emotions
i find myself in an uncomfortable place: pseudo-relationship. she gives really great bj's...i would even say the best that i have recieved. i could see myself physically loving her rather than fucking her. when i think about the future i don't see her. i know there is something inside me, or i want to say some kind of a conflict. i don't know if the act of loving is an innate thing inside us, and i know it is not the same as loving someone...even though i still question if i had ever loved someone, but i do know there was that awesome potential. but w/ this current girl, i know that i am headed into trouble w/ her. she is already distracting me from my work, and i do not mean physically but rather mentally, which is worse. what are my goals? what are my options? my long term goal is to survive as an artist. my short term goal is to make a new body of work to hit the galleries again. my options are that i can stop seeing her. i could keep running w/ the relationship but that will exacerbate what i am feeling right now...and i hate having to feel the way i do right now. it is an unfruitful distraction from my goals. another option is to start looking for another relationship; the pitfall fall of that is the time/energy in doing that. rule number 1: no more dating girls i work w/ (unless the work is temporary). rule # 2: no more wearing underwear on dates (just another barrier to having sex--and it's a safe kinky surprise). let's rate her important upsides and downsides. upsides: 1) great bj's and sex, 2) art is a common interest. downsides: 1) she's 21; "21'ers are only good for fucking..." (a quote from a friend), 2) i'm only mildly attracted to her (somaticlly & mentally), 3) she is not self suffienct. well i can already see there are more downsides, and i don't see the worth in getting all in a nipple twister about this--it's a bad investment. logic wins. now, to explore the options of finding another relationship. this would mean going out to places to meet girls...finding time to go out and meet girls. this is tough; i don't do much besides go to work and being in studio. hmm, good old masterbation and internet porn...ahh, good old me.
tonite i drink directly from the bottle. she's a standard lover who just gives and gives w/o any complaint, and easily replaceable at that. tommorrow i will start to sort things out.
tonite i drink directly from the bottle. she's a standard lover who just gives and gives w/o any complaint, and easily replaceable at that. tommorrow i will start to sort things out.