(no subject)
it's really weird to be around someone due to social obligations, who you which otherwise would not. i miss a lot of parts about her...it's like seduction...i don't know. to talk to someone who you haven't talked to individually for about a year, only within a group. it's really weird. i know i dodged a bullet, but some part of me wants to get hit. she is wreckless; i'm also wreckless. it's a bad combination, and sooner or later something was going to break. but i can't stop loving some aspects about her. it is painful to say goodbye to someone you love, but you have to. i learned that when my father died. the only difference is one is more of a condition than a choice, but w/ me and her it wasn't just one condition but a myriad of reasons. she was strong enough to see that and stick to it. i am now able to see it, and i've gotten callous enough to stick to it. the next 5 years is going to be the hardest, but i know the process of making art is a disease. it is not about being sucessful--this i've learned from being here. it's about the process of making the work, and not about making it as an artist. it's a selfish act, but ultimately there is no better investment than yourself. it will be good to get out of this place, but ultimately the hardest transition. it is different than i was when an undergrad, because there was the possibility of graduate school. it's the end of the road for school. all i have is myself and my strength to try to make it happen. i have learned that if you want to make it happen you can only count on yourself to make it so. as i get older, all i can count on is myself. the future seems a bit bleak; i can imagine myself dying alone. i can somehow live with that. if i can get my shit together, i might stand a chance of finding someone to love. those who have someone to hold and give themselves to should take a moment to reavaluate how lucky they are to have them. finding someone to love is not an easy thing to do. ...and even if they can, is the relationship realistic? i tell myself that love isn't meant to last a lot of the times, because life can be too complicated. perhaps it is not about how long you love someone, but maybe how much during a time period. i'd like to think that i have loved a life time within the short months or years shared. who knows, in another world i've loved you as long as 2 life times. in my mind, we've grown old together already. at some point, i would inevitably have to say goodbye. perhaps i don't know what i'm writing about. i wish you everything, and i respect you enough to keep a distance for the both of us. i know that you feel the same way. i will let you know before we leave this place, that you have been the single most influencial person to my work here. in that respect, i do not regret meeting you...it's just the actions shared during our separation that i most want to forget.