(no subject)
This might sound ridiculous
But sometimes I really miss the way my life was a few years ago.
And the people.. (or one singlular unit) who basically isn't part of my life anymore.
Replaced in a way.
After having something to so easily compare to that aspect of my life,
I realize things I probably should have seen a long time ago if i wasn't so blind to see.
I really miss the way it made me feel.
And how neglected I feel sometimes.
And how ridiculous I really am for finding such a similar problem in such a different person in such a different relationship.
Why do I always find myself coming back to the same problem.
I wonder if it's me that is missing something and not another.
And I think that I honestly really felt more at home with yesteryear.
And maybe that's silly of me to say when it was my first & I was young and I still am.
But I feel so lost lately.
Nothing changes. ever.
And my entire life is going to be so different so soon & in one way that scares me
But in so much of a bigger way, it excites me. Because if I had to live off of this here- right now!- I think it would kill me.
In every aspect.
The town and the lack of everything from culture to places to go after 9 to the people who aren't even there to meet to the closed minds and the idle brains and the secluded views of the world and life.
And I'm guilty as being secluded but it's not at my own choice.
I think that in 10 years I'm going to be a completely different person. And where I would have been afraid to accept this not so long ago, I am willing to embrace this completely open armed... I don't think that I have much of any other choice if I'm not going to grow.
And in order to grow, I need to let go of everything. Which is not something that comes easy to me.. and probably won't come easy to me until the very last minute when it's absolultey essential.
There are a few good things I'll hold onto.
but not much more.
And a few things I'd love to go running back to. But hopefully I would know better.
I sound like a crack pot.
what the fuck did I just say.
But sometimes I really miss the way my life was a few years ago.
And the people.. (or one singlular unit) who basically isn't part of my life anymore.
Replaced in a way.
After having something to so easily compare to that aspect of my life,
I realize things I probably should have seen a long time ago if i wasn't so blind to see.
I really miss the way it made me feel.
And how neglected I feel sometimes.
And how ridiculous I really am for finding such a similar problem in such a different person in such a different relationship.
Why do I always find myself coming back to the same problem.
I wonder if it's me that is missing something and not another.
And I think that I honestly really felt more at home with yesteryear.
And maybe that's silly of me to say when it was my first & I was young and I still am.
But I feel so lost lately.
Nothing changes. ever.
And my entire life is going to be so different so soon & in one way that scares me
But in so much of a bigger way, it excites me. Because if I had to live off of this here- right now!- I think it would kill me.
In every aspect.
The town and the lack of everything from culture to places to go after 9 to the people who aren't even there to meet to the closed minds and the idle brains and the secluded views of the world and life.
And I'm guilty as being secluded but it's not at my own choice.
I think that in 10 years I'm going to be a completely different person. And where I would have been afraid to accept this not so long ago, I am willing to embrace this completely open armed... I don't think that I have much of any other choice if I'm not going to grow.
And in order to grow, I need to let go of everything. Which is not something that comes easy to me.. and probably won't come easy to me until the very last minute when it's absolultey essential.
There are a few good things I'll hold onto.
but not much more.
And a few things I'd love to go running back to. But hopefully I would know better.
I sound like a crack pot.
what the fuck did I just say.