(no subject)
I was just thinking about the past.
And basically how much has changed in my life.
I pretty much don't even talk to the people who mattered most to me 5 years ago anymore.
So much has changed in 5 years. It's somewhat depressing, but then I think about the life that I have now.
And the people who matter to me. And I honestly can't regret the way that I've carried out my life so far.
it's just discouraging to think that in 5 years from now, I'm probably going to talk to very few of the people who I talk to now.
It's weird because I feel like most of the people in my life who I am closest to are at a completely different stage than I am. I'm so envious of their position. They're due for a huge change: in lifestyle, in education, in social aspects, in communication and travel and experience. I realize these opportunities lie ahead of me and that, in a year, I'll be in the same position.
I just fear so much that the year of separation where they're experiencing the world & I'm stuck counting blades of grass in my front yard are never going to able to be mended.
It is obvious that some of the relationships that I have now aren't going to exist in 5 years. I just want some connector, some tie, somebody that I can look at in 5 years and recall what our friendship was like years ago.
I pretty much only have Chad as far as people who aren't going away next year. I realize that I don't have THAT many close friends, and the ones that I do have I am grateful for. i just am going to miss them and the high school life that we shared together for such beautiful fleeting moments. And I feel so ridiculous and petty because we still have like 4 months to spend together like we do now. But then that's it. It won't be the same again, and it can't. And I'm not really afraid of change so much as I'm afraid of loss. And I can't handle a loss of people that matter so much to me. I guess some of it is really inevitable and what's meant to be will be.
I just wish I could have a tape, a little snip of what my life will be like in a year, or two years when I'm finally in collge, or 5 or 10 or 20 or 50 should I be alive. I'm bustling with so much curiosity as to what my life will become and what I will make of everything that I have at my disposal. It's so exciting, and yet it's completely vague. And it's frightening to realize that the only way that this little illusion and creation of mine, this future of mine, is really up to me to paint and create. It's MY choice where I go in a year and it's MY choice as to what I'll do and where I'll go and who I'll go with. And that makes me feel so unbelievably free and responsible and I love it, and I really am genuinely looking forward to the change. I just am almost hesitant to just jump right into this vast ocean without taking at least a life vest.
And I think that once all of those people that I care about are gone, I'll take a completely different look at it. I realize that graduating high school will be a breeze and I'll be so unbelievably ready at the time, I just I could be so positive and self assured about where I'm headed. I wish I had a little campus that could tell me if the choices I make are the right ones for me.
I have so much of a life ahead of me.
I'm so irrational.
And life is so cute so I'll enjoy it while I know that it's mine and that it's there for me to live.
i love my friends.
And love is so wonderful. I don't care if I sound like I'm 12. I feel love. and it's so great and it makes me so happy inside.
and I don't know what will happen to this love in a year and a half.
It's very unclear.
Life is so unclear.
And basically how much has changed in my life.
I pretty much don't even talk to the people who mattered most to me 5 years ago anymore.
So much has changed in 5 years. It's somewhat depressing, but then I think about the life that I have now.
And the people who matter to me. And I honestly can't regret the way that I've carried out my life so far.
it's just discouraging to think that in 5 years from now, I'm probably going to talk to very few of the people who I talk to now.
It's weird because I feel like most of the people in my life who I am closest to are at a completely different stage than I am. I'm so envious of their position. They're due for a huge change: in lifestyle, in education, in social aspects, in communication and travel and experience. I realize these opportunities lie ahead of me and that, in a year, I'll be in the same position.
I just fear so much that the year of separation where they're experiencing the world & I'm stuck counting blades of grass in my front yard are never going to able to be mended.
It is obvious that some of the relationships that I have now aren't going to exist in 5 years. I just want some connector, some tie, somebody that I can look at in 5 years and recall what our friendship was like years ago.
I pretty much only have Chad as far as people who aren't going away next year. I realize that I don't have THAT many close friends, and the ones that I do have I am grateful for. i just am going to miss them and the high school life that we shared together for such beautiful fleeting moments. And I feel so ridiculous and petty because we still have like 4 months to spend together like we do now. But then that's it. It won't be the same again, and it can't. And I'm not really afraid of change so much as I'm afraid of loss. And I can't handle a loss of people that matter so much to me. I guess some of it is really inevitable and what's meant to be will be.
I just wish I could have a tape, a little snip of what my life will be like in a year, or two years when I'm finally in collge, or 5 or 10 or 20 or 50 should I be alive. I'm bustling with so much curiosity as to what my life will become and what I will make of everything that I have at my disposal. It's so exciting, and yet it's completely vague. And it's frightening to realize that the only way that this little illusion and creation of mine, this future of mine, is really up to me to paint and create. It's MY choice where I go in a year and it's MY choice as to what I'll do and where I'll go and who I'll go with. And that makes me feel so unbelievably free and responsible and I love it, and I really am genuinely looking forward to the change. I just am almost hesitant to just jump right into this vast ocean without taking at least a life vest.
And I think that once all of those people that I care about are gone, I'll take a completely different look at it. I realize that graduating high school will be a breeze and I'll be so unbelievably ready at the time, I just I could be so positive and self assured about where I'm headed. I wish I had a little campus that could tell me if the choices I make are the right ones for me.
I have so much of a life ahead of me.
I'm so irrational.
And life is so cute so I'll enjoy it while I know that it's mine and that it's there for me to live.
i love my friends.
And love is so wonderful. I don't care if I sound like I'm 12. I feel love. and it's so great and it makes me so happy inside.
and I don't know what will happen to this love in a year and a half.
It's very unclear.
Life is so unclear.