(no subject)
I think this is the beginning of the end of my "I live for the backstreet boys" phase.
And it scares me. So much more than I care to admit.
But this semester really went badly. I regret so much of it. And why did it end up like this? Because of The Backstreet Boys. In all honesty, it wasnt worth it. I thought they were, but Im clearly not happy right now. I can no longer live for them, which is very difficult because then what do I live for? When you live the best year of your life and you have nothing to show for it except ticket stubs and a picture with a rockstar, its messed up. When you are on the brink of losing some very important friendships, which is the one friendship you havent lost already, its time to change something. This has to change. This has to stop. I need to find a purpose other then concerts and tours and CDs and meet and greets and trips to new york and crap. Since March 28th 2005, Ive lost everything that was important to me because I was SO in to a boyband. Its messed up. Before that UCAP show, they were just a hobby. I had friends outside of them, I had hobbies, I had places to go..but now I dont.
I feel like I lost everything. And I hope its not to late to get it back.
Im sorry to everyone Ive been bitchy too recently, its going to stop. Now. Ive drawn a line for myself and hopefully Ill watch carefully not to cross it.
I mean, the brian show was more then I had ever dreamed of. It was amazing show. Front row center was even more amazing. But when all you can do is cry through the whole thing because you final realized how much you gave up to get there, its really not that fun anymore. I love Brian, hes my hero..but I failed my junior year of high school for a guy that doesnt even know me? Thats messed up. When you're so sad you didnt get a huggy pic before the show that you cant enjoy the concert, its messed up. This just needs to be the beginning of the end. Im going to Ohio on Tuesday to get a huggy picture, and thats going to be the end. Ive always considered meeting the guys the brink of BSB fandom. When I was little, I was so amazed at them being actual people that I couldnt handle meeting them. I thought I would never get there, and now that Im there, I want them to know my name. Then, I want a picture of two of them..blah blah blah. These goals are insane. They dont even mean anything. Where will this all get me in life? NOWHERE. I wish things were still like when I was little..when I would go to concerts and cry my eyes out because I was there. I was so innocent and cute, I would listen to their music and be so happy. Now the music doesnt even make me happy. The memories tied into the music make me happy, I guess..but then all I can think about is what I still have to accomplish in BSB land. I just wish That I didnt have to meet them to have a good time at a show. I miss when I didnt have to plan concerts for months and be on message boards 24/7 trying to be fandom famous to enjoy myself. The concert was amazing and I wouldnt have changed it for the world, but I paid a high price for it, I think. But you know what? You live and learn. You crash and burn. Shit happens. Ive now learned that being a fan doesnt mean you have to lose yourself so completely that you have no idea who you are anymore. Ill still buy the CDs, go to the shows, maybe try to meet them..but I need to put something above them. I have to have a master plan somewhere. I need to find a dream for ME and not for THEM. I need to reunite myself with my old friends, and go back to who I used to be. Then me and the guys can talk again, if I want to. Ill still go on LD, but its really just not that serious anymore. I have a life outside the backstreet boys. And thats the life that needs to take precedence here. The backstreet boys only get me so far, I dont care how many albums they sold. This has all slapped me in the face so much harder then I thought it would. I dont know if Ill make it. But yeah.
I cannot believe how empty I feel right now.
The end.
(Sorry for this not being well written. Im tired as hell.)
And it scares me. So much more than I care to admit.
But this semester really went badly. I regret so much of it. And why did it end up like this? Because of The Backstreet Boys. In all honesty, it wasnt worth it. I thought they were, but Im clearly not happy right now. I can no longer live for them, which is very difficult because then what do I live for? When you live the best year of your life and you have nothing to show for it except ticket stubs and a picture with a rockstar, its messed up. When you are on the brink of losing some very important friendships, which is the one friendship you havent lost already, its time to change something. This has to change. This has to stop. I need to find a purpose other then concerts and tours and CDs and meet and greets and trips to new york and crap. Since March 28th 2005, Ive lost everything that was important to me because I was SO in to a boyband. Its messed up. Before that UCAP show, they were just a hobby. I had friends outside of them, I had hobbies, I had places to go..but now I dont.
I feel like I lost everything. And I hope its not to late to get it back.
Im sorry to everyone Ive been bitchy too recently, its going to stop. Now. Ive drawn a line for myself and hopefully Ill watch carefully not to cross it.
I mean, the brian show was more then I had ever dreamed of. It was amazing show. Front row center was even more amazing. But when all you can do is cry through the whole thing because you final realized how much you gave up to get there, its really not that fun anymore. I love Brian, hes my hero..but I failed my junior year of high school for a guy that doesnt even know me? Thats messed up. When you're so sad you didnt get a huggy pic before the show that you cant enjoy the concert, its messed up. This just needs to be the beginning of the end. Im going to Ohio on Tuesday to get a huggy picture, and thats going to be the end. Ive always considered meeting the guys the brink of BSB fandom. When I was little, I was so amazed at them being actual people that I couldnt handle meeting them. I thought I would never get there, and now that Im there, I want them to know my name. Then, I want a picture of two of them..blah blah blah. These goals are insane. They dont even mean anything. Where will this all get me in life? NOWHERE. I wish things were still like when I was little..when I would go to concerts and cry my eyes out because I was there. I was so innocent and cute, I would listen to their music and be so happy. Now the music doesnt even make me happy. The memories tied into the music make me happy, I guess..but then all I can think about is what I still have to accomplish in BSB land. I just wish That I didnt have to meet them to have a good time at a show. I miss when I didnt have to plan concerts for months and be on message boards 24/7 trying to be fandom famous to enjoy myself. The concert was amazing and I wouldnt have changed it for the world, but I paid a high price for it, I think. But you know what? You live and learn. You crash and burn. Shit happens. Ive now learned that being a fan doesnt mean you have to lose yourself so completely that you have no idea who you are anymore. Ill still buy the CDs, go to the shows, maybe try to meet them..but I need to put something above them. I have to have a master plan somewhere. I need to find a dream for ME and not for THEM. I need to reunite myself with my old friends, and go back to who I used to be. Then me and the guys can talk again, if I want to. Ill still go on LD, but its really just not that serious anymore. I have a life outside the backstreet boys. And thats the life that needs to take precedence here. The backstreet boys only get me so far, I dont care how many albums they sold. This has all slapped me in the face so much harder then I thought it would. I dont know if Ill make it. But yeah.
I cannot believe how empty I feel right now.
The end.
(Sorry for this not being well written. Im tired as hell.)