This is just a little electronic blood letting

[thesoulenigma]

I am utterly heartbroken in so many flavors. It is nice and bloody like a piece of raw meat. it's none of that "emo" angst garbage. coming around the bend is almost worse than being in the thick of the pain. At least in the middle it was a rush like a kick to the head. coming out after the dust has settled i see the lost opportunity and am now forced to not only clean up my mess but outwardly pay the consequences of needing to retreat to my clinical weakness. I am not able to register for this spring semester and am sent into exile, now pulling slight weight at a new cable access station in order to reteach myself the discipline of routine, while awash in not quite existential depression, but fighting through a layer mundity that has long since gone unknown. All this while physical dissapoints stack up and promise melts.. Of my brief hiatus it is a rare animal in that, in the middle i found it somewhat helpful, calming the demons, yet in hindsight it taught me very little that is practically applicable, beyond a few chunks of enlightenment in the way of appreciation for the good in folks and sociological stuff. I'd say the whole thing made out to be a good social experiment kind of thing, living in close quarters with some unlikely folks, and being able to humanize those who I initially would distance myself from. In sharing physical or metaphorical quarantine there amounts a certain unity. Beyond that, this is shit. How quickly things can fall upside down, and how soon when that happens you realize what you had, and what you should have addressed and fixed earlier in order to soften the sting. This is not just depression; this is real failures and faults and red tape that trips you, topped with awful sleep, steady physical headaches, and a breakfast of Rx.
There are a few distractions that appear to be glimors of things that could be seen as good work, but there is no soul there. This year is no good so far. It is a slow burn that needs to be iced.

In truth we're all suffering from a heap of burnout. i taped some stuff for what will evolve into my own tv show, and made some folks laugh. there is good in that much. one moment at a time for now.

Tenderly I remain

mpo