The theory...
Is it really that healthy to keep your balls that close to you?
Spring Semester 2005 begins tomorrow, and it represents a lot of changes in my life. This past winter break gave me way too much time to think about my life and living life in general. Just the past week, alone, my mind hasn't stopped vigorously wandering from topic to topic, creating an overall strange feeling within me. I attempted to explain the feeling to several people, but we all know the difficulty in finding words to describe exactly how we feel. Mine is almost like aloneness, mixed with anxiety. Although I finally have all my friends back on campus, this alone feeling hasn't disappeared yet. It's almost like there's some kind of empty spot, a void, somewhere in my mind, in my heart, that I can't seem to fill. Eventually, it just became overwhelming, and I felt helpless for a few days. Today is the first day this week that my mind has finally returned to a normal pace, which seems much healthier.
I used to have this indescribable alone, yet anxious, feeling a lot in the past, but it's been a couple years since. I thought about all the changes I've undergone in those two or so years, and things started to make sense.
One of my friends has an amusingly odd theory on the personality traits associated with guys and their underwear preference. He believes (with my own word editing):
The Briefer: A very uptight kinda guy. Takes things way too seriously.
The Boxer Briefer: Although more relaxed than The Briefer, he still takes a lot of things too seriously.
The Boxer: A typically relaxed guy. He still cares about life, of course, but he enjoys living with more freewill.
The Freeballer: He's got something interesting going on. Often too carefree for his own good!
The Tighty Whitey: You're just too damn old.
He truly believes that this personality test is accurate at least 90(ninety) % of the time. I related it to my own life. I started wearing boxers in the 4th(fourth) grade. Of course, before that I was still into my Underoos, which typically featured Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Batman. Although I started my 3(three) year period of fatness at that time, it's when I started to become somewhat "cool" and "noticed." If you knew me in middle school, you'd agree that I almost seemed more like The Freeballer, even though I was A Boxer throughout. Let's just define that as the terribly awkward middle school years that we all love and remember. Heh.
Even though I was A Boxer in both middle school and high school, I was very different at each level. I was pretty much crazy in middle school, and more serious and mature in high school. Yeah, it has a lot to do with growing up, but it actually leads way to my addition to my friend's theory. I believe there are also sublevels to each category of underwear choice, which deal with the appearance of the individual garments. For instance, a plain white Fruit Of The Loom boxer brief is closer to The Briefer personality than a blue pair of boxer briefs with a white waist band from Banana Republic. Make sense? So, clearly my transition from glow-in-the-dark smiley face boxers in middle school to plaid and striped boxers in high school represents my movement within The Boxer category.
And then college began. Mainly because I started working out a lot and because of the high stress to the crotch area associated with drum corps, I switched to The Boxer Briefer. Surprisingly, it's also about the same time that I started taking mostly everything in life way too seriously. I became uptight about everything. After contemplating this entire theory several weeks ago, I decided I was going to switch back to my high school boxers, and just keep my boxer briefs for the gym and drum corps moments. I've already started to relax more, and I find myself not being so damn serious about every little thing in life. Honestly, it's quite miraculous. Not only am I "back to my old, fun self again" but I'm also reminded of how much I enjoy not having my nuts so freakin' constricted.
So next time you're pondering about your life and your personality, think about your underwear history and how close you keep your balls. What category do you fall under? Wanna try something else? Give it a shot.