Why do things never work out as I plan?
So, here I am in England. It's been 5 months now, and I think the major question I have is what have I accomplished? Well, absolutely nothing, really. Ever since I got here, it's been boring. Incredibly, mindnumbingly boring. I've looked everywhere for a job and I haven't been able to find a single one, no matter how desperate I am. I've even asked at McDonald's, heaven help me. The future shows similar levels of humdrumness and blah, sadly. I should be working on university stuff, but I'm not. I should be doing a lot of things, really.
Some time in the past I must have made a conscious decision to absolutely screw over my life. I'm not sure why. Maybe I secretly hate myself. I've never been a fan of emoing, so I'll just get it all out of the way on this so anyone who wants to laugh can laugh and I can try to get over it. Losing Kat was a really hard blow. I'm sure you all know that, of course. And I know that some of you think that I should get over it. I know I should, of course. Feeling sorry for myself over that is blighting my life. I mean, I've been single for nearly six months now. I should be better, right? I should be able to get up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror, and tell myself that I'm going to succeed at something that day.
So, why haven't I? Why is it that even now I'm still sufficiently depressed for my condition to be labelled 'critical', that I'm on medication that's not making me feel any better but is probably keeping me from feeling a lot worse? Is there something wrong with me? Well, obviously there is, that's why I'm on the medication, why I've been on medication since I was 9, with a brief interlude for 4 years from year 10 to this one. But is there something more wrong with me?
I hate saying 'should', but I should have stayed in Australia. Part of why I'm miserable is that I'm in England, of course. I don't like England. I'm not a big fan of Europeans in general, in fact. Far too happy to shoot firecrackers at innocent people. Almost as bad as those vicious Hawaiian turtles. But I digress. It just feels like since I moved to England, it's all gone wrong. Which, in a way, it has. My original plan this year was to go back to NYC and get an apartment with Kat, then be perfecrtly happy forever and ever. That...hasn't come to pass. Being broken up with does tend to throw crimps in plans that required you to have a stable relationship, after all. L'espoir fait vivre, though. Where there's life, there's hope. At least, where there's life that I'm forcing to extend itself after a couple of scares earlier this year. What was I talking about? Oh. Australia.
Yes. I should have stayed in Australia. Gotten my own studio apartment in someplace cheap like Yass and just commutted everywhere for the remainder of my life. Or until I finished my degree and got a real job. Either's good. What I should not have done is stay in England, where I can't get a job, where I see something that upsets me at least twice every time I go outside, and where my life is filled with boredom. Stultifying boredom. I miss everyone, you know. I mean, I know Alex is down south of me, but it's not the same.
I don't know, really. I have two choices after June. I can go back to university in Armidale, moving me closer to the people I really care for, but on the other hand making it almost impossible for me to treat my uni work like I am right now, as something to do when the boredom gets too much. On the other hand, I can go to New York.
New York probably won't be anywhere near as much fun without Kat around, but I suppose it'd be easy to find a job of some sort there.
The really depressing part is that if I was anywhere near as good as my promise and the standardised tests they made me take and as my parents and so on think I am, I would have done better in college, and none of this might ever have happened. I could have been at ANU all this time, happily beavering away. Maybe I would have finally wound up in Japan, instead of England. At least in Japan if something happens that upsets me I would be able to say, "I have no idea what's going on, so maybe I should ignore it." Here, I know what's going on all too well.
Okay, enough emoing. Australian elections are coming up soon. I'm not sure who to vote for. Rudd's a moron, and Howard's gone senile. It's difficult to choose between them. In the states I'd just not vote for either of those poor choices, but I like my money too much to not vote in Oz. What money I have, at least.
It's odd, you know. When I left Australia, I brought with me only 10 books. Everything else of my personal library was put in a box and sent via a shippy thing. I don't have any of those books yet, but I do have 200+ books. Funny, that. Same thing with computer games. I don't play any computer games, but I do have a huge amount of them rattling around. It's depressing, in a way.
Hm...highlights, on the offchance anyone actually reads this. I like World War Z. It's funny. And Peter Pan in Scarlet. How can you not like a sequel to Peter Pan that combines action, adventure, swashbuckling adventure on the high seas, and a 40 year old man turning into a 10 year old girl? Also, I've been happily reading all of my Lodoss War books. Again and again. Plus those scans I can find online. They're fun. I actually found a number of sites that show anime online. And manga online. That's what happens when you get bored, I suppose, the thin line between good and evil becomes twisted in your heart and you start to break stupid copyright laws because you can. Stupid, stupid copyright laws.
Some time in the past I must have made a conscious decision to absolutely screw over my life. I'm not sure why. Maybe I secretly hate myself. I've never been a fan of emoing, so I'll just get it all out of the way on this so anyone who wants to laugh can laugh and I can try to get over it. Losing Kat was a really hard blow. I'm sure you all know that, of course. And I know that some of you think that I should get over it. I know I should, of course. Feeling sorry for myself over that is blighting my life. I mean, I've been single for nearly six months now. I should be better, right? I should be able to get up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror, and tell myself that I'm going to succeed at something that day.
So, why haven't I? Why is it that even now I'm still sufficiently depressed for my condition to be labelled 'critical', that I'm on medication that's not making me feel any better but is probably keeping me from feeling a lot worse? Is there something wrong with me? Well, obviously there is, that's why I'm on the medication, why I've been on medication since I was 9, with a brief interlude for 4 years from year 10 to this one. But is there something more wrong with me?
I hate saying 'should', but I should have stayed in Australia. Part of why I'm miserable is that I'm in England, of course. I don't like England. I'm not a big fan of Europeans in general, in fact. Far too happy to shoot firecrackers at innocent people. Almost as bad as those vicious Hawaiian turtles. But I digress. It just feels like since I moved to England, it's all gone wrong. Which, in a way, it has. My original plan this year was to go back to NYC and get an apartment with Kat, then be perfecrtly happy forever and ever. That...hasn't come to pass. Being broken up with does tend to throw crimps in plans that required you to have a stable relationship, after all. L'espoir fait vivre, though. Where there's life, there's hope. At least, where there's life that I'm forcing to extend itself after a couple of scares earlier this year. What was I talking about? Oh. Australia.
Yes. I should have stayed in Australia. Gotten my own studio apartment in someplace cheap like Yass and just commutted everywhere for the remainder of my life. Or until I finished my degree and got a real job. Either's good. What I should not have done is stay in England, where I can't get a job, where I see something that upsets me at least twice every time I go outside, and where my life is filled with boredom. Stultifying boredom. I miss everyone, you know. I mean, I know Alex is down south of me, but it's not the same.
I don't know, really. I have two choices after June. I can go back to university in Armidale, moving me closer to the people I really care for, but on the other hand making it almost impossible for me to treat my uni work like I am right now, as something to do when the boredom gets too much. On the other hand, I can go to New York.
New York probably won't be anywhere near as much fun without Kat around, but I suppose it'd be easy to find a job of some sort there.
The really depressing part is that if I was anywhere near as good as my promise and the standardised tests they made me take and as my parents and so on think I am, I would have done better in college, and none of this might ever have happened. I could have been at ANU all this time, happily beavering away. Maybe I would have finally wound up in Japan, instead of England. At least in Japan if something happens that upsets me I would be able to say, "I have no idea what's going on, so maybe I should ignore it." Here, I know what's going on all too well.
Okay, enough emoing. Australian elections are coming up soon. I'm not sure who to vote for. Rudd's a moron, and Howard's gone senile. It's difficult to choose between them. In the states I'd just not vote for either of those poor choices, but I like my money too much to not vote in Oz. What money I have, at least.
It's odd, you know. When I left Australia, I brought with me only 10 books. Everything else of my personal library was put in a box and sent via a shippy thing. I don't have any of those books yet, but I do have 200+ books. Funny, that. Same thing with computer games. I don't play any computer games, but I do have a huge amount of them rattling around. It's depressing, in a way.
Hm...highlights, on the offchance anyone actually reads this. I like World War Z. It's funny. And Peter Pan in Scarlet. How can you not like a sequel to Peter Pan that combines action, adventure, swashbuckling adventure on the high seas, and a 40 year old man turning into a 10 year old girl? Also, I've been happily reading all of my Lodoss War books. Again and again. Plus those scans I can find online. They're fun. I actually found a number of sites that show anime online. And manga online. That's what happens when you get bored, I suppose, the thin line between good and evil becomes twisted in your heart and you start to break stupid copyright laws because you can. Stupid, stupid copyright laws.