floating back out to shore
after my long hiatus, and complete silence on lj, i feel the need to spill my thoughts on this canvas again. for the last few months i've submersed myself in my family life, and in my work, not taking the luxury of wasting time on anything else. this is my gasp for air.
i'm burnt out. my job is killing me. i hate going to work. i dread having to wake up at 5:30, getting ready in 30 minutes, then driving 45 minutes to the westside, and in the meantime thinking about my future at my job. "did i make any mistakes on my calls yesterday?" "did i go through all the legal disclosures?" "did make solid sales attempts?" "has anyone stolen my sales?" "is that one asshole customer going to call back and put in a complaint?" this is what i go through everyday as a sales and service representative at sbc. if you've called in to activate home phone service, i'm that mother fucker that is pushing you to take everything. and if you are one of those people who have bad credit or no credit, i'm the dickhead who makes you pay $50 in advance. people are prone to hate me.
granted i make great cash. it's funny to say i'm making more than some of my friends that have their college degrees. we'll maybe not funny, but sad. it makes me not want to go back to school anymore. or should i say it makes it an excuse for me not to go back anymore? yeah, i think it's more like that. people tell me that if i go back to college, to go with the intention of gaining knowledge in the field that i want to persue, not with the intention of making the "big bucks." a college degree is just going to get your foot in the door, and you still have to work your way up from there. fuck that! i'll read a book. it's a lot cheaper. i've got my house, i've got may cars, and i finally have stable checking and savings accounts. it didn't come easy. i'm proud of what i've done for my family and myself in such a short period of time.
but anyway, getting back on track, i just haven't had time for myself. my band has suffered because of it and i think we're on the road to break-up. our future is uncertain right now. we try to schedule practices, and either there's someone who can't make it, or someone we can't reach. lateley i've been the guilty one, wich is not normal for me, but what can i say? i just have other more important things in my life than the band right now. they understand and i appreciate that from them. i just feel like an asshole for disappointing them all the time.
i fucked up by joining a band with guys younger than me. not that it makes them any less than me, because they are all very talented, and i admire them a lot. but working with "kids" (i call anyone younger than me a kid) having no major responsibilites creates a lot problems. i'm the one that has to let them down on everything because my schedule isn't very flexible. it sucks.
we recently got together for practice after a couple of months of not playing together as a full band. it just seemed like nothing was clicking. my mic wasn't working so i just stood there like an idiot listening to everyone fuck around. chris has spent a lot of his time with man of sorrows so that was playing a big influence on the new riffs that we tried working with. when he wasn't jamming the new riffs, he was just fucking around on the guitar making noise. fonz seemed like he was bored and really didn't want to practice. he's been doing a lot of stuff with voyeur lately, and i feel his heart is in that band. his brother also plays in voyeur so i think that has a lot to do with it. david wasn't really trying to learn the new riffs, i think because he thought they were "too metal." he prefers the more melodic shit, like me. the new chris (of a day to end) was probably the only one that seemed eager to do something with the new music, but he had to leave early because he had to work.
i told the guys i was leaving too, about 20 minutes after the new chris left. everyone followed after that. it just wasn't the prctice that i expected after being apart all that time. i thought that everyone would be excited, ideas would have been flowing, and we would have had a great time. it didn't work out that way. david later called me to let me know we were going to have a band meeting the following day to discuss the future of the band. needless to say, i couldn't make it. but from what chris tells me, everyone agreed trying a different approach to our music: just not doing the hardcore/emocore thing anymore.
they feel the music we've written has been forced, and although people seem to like it, it's just not us. i feel the same way. so, it looks like the guys want to try this shit one more time, from a different angle. i'm not sure what i should do. should i continue to hold them back? or should i at least try it before bailing out? i told chris straight out that if they had big plans for the band to count me out now so that it would be easier for them just to find a replacement now. he told me he would ask the guys what they thought. we're a band so we all decide things as a band. i feel i should at least let them know what's up now. it's the right thing to do. i wouldn't be hurt if they did decide going on without me. they're my friends no matter what happens and i want the best for them. either way, whatever happens, i will always write music on my own. and if i disappear for a little bit, i'm bound to come back stronger the next time around. we'll see what happens...
i'm burnt out. my job is killing me. i hate going to work. i dread having to wake up at 5:30, getting ready in 30 minutes, then driving 45 minutes to the westside, and in the meantime thinking about my future at my job. "did i make any mistakes on my calls yesterday?" "did i go through all the legal disclosures?" "did make solid sales attempts?" "has anyone stolen my sales?" "is that one asshole customer going to call back and put in a complaint?" this is what i go through everyday as a sales and service representative at sbc. if you've called in to activate home phone service, i'm that mother fucker that is pushing you to take everything. and if you are one of those people who have bad credit or no credit, i'm the dickhead who makes you pay $50 in advance. people are prone to hate me.
granted i make great cash. it's funny to say i'm making more than some of my friends that have their college degrees. we'll maybe not funny, but sad. it makes me not want to go back to school anymore. or should i say it makes it an excuse for me not to go back anymore? yeah, i think it's more like that. people tell me that if i go back to college, to go with the intention of gaining knowledge in the field that i want to persue, not with the intention of making the "big bucks." a college degree is just going to get your foot in the door, and you still have to work your way up from there. fuck that! i'll read a book. it's a lot cheaper. i've got my house, i've got may cars, and i finally have stable checking and savings accounts. it didn't come easy. i'm proud of what i've done for my family and myself in such a short period of time.
but anyway, getting back on track, i just haven't had time for myself. my band has suffered because of it and i think we're on the road to break-up. our future is uncertain right now. we try to schedule practices, and either there's someone who can't make it, or someone we can't reach. lateley i've been the guilty one, wich is not normal for me, but what can i say? i just have other more important things in my life than the band right now. they understand and i appreciate that from them. i just feel like an asshole for disappointing them all the time.
i fucked up by joining a band with guys younger than me. not that it makes them any less than me, because they are all very talented, and i admire them a lot. but working with "kids" (i call anyone younger than me a kid) having no major responsibilites creates a lot problems. i'm the one that has to let them down on everything because my schedule isn't very flexible. it sucks.
we recently got together for practice after a couple of months of not playing together as a full band. it just seemed like nothing was clicking. my mic wasn't working so i just stood there like an idiot listening to everyone fuck around. chris has spent a lot of his time with man of sorrows so that was playing a big influence on the new riffs that we tried working with. when he wasn't jamming the new riffs, he was just fucking around on the guitar making noise. fonz seemed like he was bored and really didn't want to practice. he's been doing a lot of stuff with voyeur lately, and i feel his heart is in that band. his brother also plays in voyeur so i think that has a lot to do with it. david wasn't really trying to learn the new riffs, i think because he thought they were "too metal." he prefers the more melodic shit, like me. the new chris (of a day to end) was probably the only one that seemed eager to do something with the new music, but he had to leave early because he had to work.
i told the guys i was leaving too, about 20 minutes after the new chris left. everyone followed after that. it just wasn't the prctice that i expected after being apart all that time. i thought that everyone would be excited, ideas would have been flowing, and we would have had a great time. it didn't work out that way. david later called me to let me know we were going to have a band meeting the following day to discuss the future of the band. needless to say, i couldn't make it. but from what chris tells me, everyone agreed trying a different approach to our music: just not doing the hardcore/emocore thing anymore.
they feel the music we've written has been forced, and although people seem to like it, it's just not us. i feel the same way. so, it looks like the guys want to try this shit one more time, from a different angle. i'm not sure what i should do. should i continue to hold them back? or should i at least try it before bailing out? i told chris straight out that if they had big plans for the band to count me out now so that it would be easier for them just to find a replacement now. he told me he would ask the guys what they thought. we're a band so we all decide things as a band. i feel i should at least let them know what's up now. it's the right thing to do. i wouldn't be hurt if they did decide going on without me. they're my friends no matter what happens and i want the best for them. either way, whatever happens, i will always write music on my own. and if i disappear for a little bit, i'm bound to come back stronger the next time around. we'll see what happens...