Shit!Fic Review 25 May 2009
Well, girls. Here it is.
Despite those who have attempted to undermine my shit!fic review, I am back again this week.
Behold you a tail of pure sexual deviance and... well.. you'll see.
Author’s Note: WARNING; NOT BETA’D.
smartyshortie is to blame for this. Consider this an alternate ending to “Cross Jurisdictions”.
This is my favorite. I love when an author disclaims her work by saying it isn’t beta’d. In other words, she has no one but herself to blame for this fiasco. I also enjoy it when authors blame other authors. If it were a good story, the blamed-author might feel flattered. But when the story is less than stellar, it comes across as an insult.
“No, wait, I’m - ” The southern belle was pressed against a wall, back facing that of the strawberry blonde about to partake of some of the finest southern hospitality out there. Both of them naked, aroused - by quite a few sessions of passionate kissing - and Catherine was only drawing a little on impatience.
I think I have grounds to sue this author and stand a good chance of winning. The first line made me laugh so hard, I hyperventilated and had an asthma attack. I could have died.
Catherine is about to “partake of some of the finest southern hospitality out there,” which is epically win on its own. Roughly translated, it means she’s about to ride Calleigh’s pony, smack her ass and call her “Sparkle.”
I assume there is a reason we are picking up in the middle of this extravaganza, but the author never lets us know what it is. How and why and where Calleigh Duquesne and Catherine Willows got together are questions that plead for answers. But I suppose since both women are relatively attractive, the author assumed it is only natural they engage in the sort of intercourse readily available in any porno.
Besides, how do you only draw on a little impatience? How is drawing on a little impatience different from drawing on a lot of impatience?
Hands smoothing over Calleigh’s taught little rump, Catherine’s grin grew wide as she heard the moan escape. “Ready?”
Calleigh braced herself against the wall; feeling the curved tip of a strap-on threatening to penetrate her at any given second. “Yes, oh yes,” She breathed huskily. “take me, take me now!”
Ready? …On your mark. …Get set. …Go! And they’re off!
First of all, Calleigh’s “taught” little rump, isn’t. Thanks to CSI: Miami’s wardrobe department, I have had ample time to study and examine the subject and, upon review, established that Calleigh has got some junk in her trunk. Taut, yes. Little, no.
The dialogue here is not convincing. Not only do I believe it to be out of character for Calleigh, but it is also too… generic. There is no setup, no exposition of the feelings and sensations that one feels that leads into that kind of demand.
It was exhilarating, hearing the beauty beg to be taken. Catherine braced her body against Calleigh’s, thrusting the dildo upward and inward of Calleigh’s delicate folds - the initial response was a heightened cry as she was penetrated, followed by a deep moan as the sensation pleased her.
Calleigh’s breasts were being thrust against the wall, nipples puckered and hard - making the friction even more delicious. The small nubs around the whole of the dildo were stroking against the pinkness and adding more want to Calleigh’s already harrowing desire.
The directional thrust of the dildo into Calleigh has left me confused. Perhaps it is the wording, but when I try to visualize the relation of the dildo to Calleigh’s delicate folds, I am perplexed. “Upward and inward OF her delicate folds?” Where is that? Show me on the doll where Catherine touched you, Calleigh.
Once again, I have a jumble of descriptions about physical sensation, and nothing to indicate emotion. Why are these two women fucking? How does Calleigh feel? What is motivating Catherine to take Calleigh so roughly?
“More,” She begged. “deeper.”
Catherine was only happy to oblige. She took hold of Calleigh’s shoulders, pressing down as she swung her hips up, pistoning the dildo deeper and deeper into Calleigh. Hearing the moans and cries coming from her lover; eventually joining in as well.
Give me some of that fire Calleigh is supposed to be feeling. Give me something more than the cut and dry “begged.” She’s supposedly being given the ride of her life, but there is nothing to convince me that she is doing anything besides placidly standing there, taking it, politely asking for a little more, a little deeper.
Someone call the Grammar Police, we got a hot one here! The last sentence is wrong. Simply wrong. Subject. Verb.
“S-stop!” Calleigh’s sudden exclamation confused Catherine.
Calleigh turned then, wrapping her legs around Catherine’s waist and leaned down, taking a nipple in her mouth. Catherine moaned out, digging one fist into Calleigh’s hair as she continued to fill her lover deeply.
I’d be confused too. Correction: I am confused.
I’m not trying to be a dick, I swear. But I’m having a hard time working out mechanics in my mind. First of all, Calleigh’s turning with the dildo inside her? Ow. Danger Will Robinson, Danger!
Secondly, neither Calleigh nor Catherine are large women, but even with the support of the wall, Catherine would have a hard time supporting the weight of another full-grown woman and keeping her momentum.
The physics just don’t work.
Calleigh licked, sucked, bit and fondled Catherine’s breasts, bringing her hips to meet Catherine’s each time a thrust came. Catherine pumped her lover until they both cried out; orgasms flooding their bodies, they arched and collapsed on the nearby bed.
The mechanics of this scene are that Calleigh had been folded like a lawn chair so she can perform ministrations on Catherine’s ta-ta’s and be fucked. Catherine pumps her like gas station, orgasms flood like denials, and somehow, they collapse on a bed, which is all too conveniently located nearby.
Wrapping up this fic, I must disclaim it by saying that I have seen worse. Much worse. The grammar was off in places. The sexual descriptions were hollow and unimaginative. Characterization was absent. However, the main reason I chose this fic was the first sentence of this story. I cannot get over it. I keep telling my girlfriend that I am about to partake in some of her “fine southern hospitality.” And she keeps laughing in my face.
Bottom line?
Empty physical descriptions leave me even less aroused than before I read this.
.
Despite those who have attempted to undermine my shit!fic review, I am back again this week.
Behold you a tail of pure sexual deviance and... well.. you'll see.
Author’s Note: WARNING; NOT BETA’D.
smartyshortie is to blame for this. Consider this an alternate ending to “Cross Jurisdictions”.
This is my favorite. I love when an author disclaims her work by saying it isn’t beta’d. In other words, she has no one but herself to blame for this fiasco. I also enjoy it when authors blame other authors. If it were a good story, the blamed-author might feel flattered. But when the story is less than stellar, it comes across as an insult.
“No, wait, I’m - ” The southern belle was pressed against a wall, back facing that of the strawberry blonde about to partake of some of the finest southern hospitality out there. Both of them naked, aroused - by quite a few sessions of passionate kissing - and Catherine was only drawing a little on impatience.
I think I have grounds to sue this author and stand a good chance of winning. The first line made me laugh so hard, I hyperventilated and had an asthma attack. I could have died.
Catherine is about to “partake of some of the finest southern hospitality out there,” which is epically win on its own. Roughly translated, it means she’s about to ride Calleigh’s pony, smack her ass and call her “Sparkle.”
I assume there is a reason we are picking up in the middle of this extravaganza, but the author never lets us know what it is. How and why and where Calleigh Duquesne and Catherine Willows got together are questions that plead for answers. But I suppose since both women are relatively attractive, the author assumed it is only natural they engage in the sort of intercourse readily available in any porno.
Besides, how do you only draw on a little impatience? How is drawing on a little impatience different from drawing on a lot of impatience?
Hands smoothing over Calleigh’s taught little rump, Catherine’s grin grew wide as she heard the moan escape. “Ready?”
Calleigh braced herself against the wall; feeling the curved tip of a strap-on threatening to penetrate her at any given second. “Yes, oh yes,” She breathed huskily. “take me, take me now!”
Ready? …On your mark. …Get set. …Go! And they’re off!
First of all, Calleigh’s “taught” little rump, isn’t. Thanks to CSI: Miami’s wardrobe department, I have had ample time to study and examine the subject and, upon review, established that Calleigh has got some junk in her trunk. Taut, yes. Little, no.
The dialogue here is not convincing. Not only do I believe it to be out of character for Calleigh, but it is also too… generic. There is no setup, no exposition of the feelings and sensations that one feels that leads into that kind of demand.
It was exhilarating, hearing the beauty beg to be taken. Catherine braced her body against Calleigh’s, thrusting the dildo upward and inward of Calleigh’s delicate folds - the initial response was a heightened cry as she was penetrated, followed by a deep moan as the sensation pleased her.
Calleigh’s breasts were being thrust against the wall, nipples puckered and hard - making the friction even more delicious. The small nubs around the whole of the dildo were stroking against the pinkness and adding more want to Calleigh’s already harrowing desire.
The directional thrust of the dildo into Calleigh has left me confused. Perhaps it is the wording, but when I try to visualize the relation of the dildo to Calleigh’s delicate folds, I am perplexed. “Upward and inward OF her delicate folds?” Where is that? Show me on the doll where Catherine touched you, Calleigh.
Once again, I have a jumble of descriptions about physical sensation, and nothing to indicate emotion. Why are these two women fucking? How does Calleigh feel? What is motivating Catherine to take Calleigh so roughly?
“More,” She begged. “deeper.”
Catherine was only happy to oblige. She took hold of Calleigh’s shoulders, pressing down as she swung her hips up, pistoning the dildo deeper and deeper into Calleigh. Hearing the moans and cries coming from her lover; eventually joining in as well.
Give me some of that fire Calleigh is supposed to be feeling. Give me something more than the cut and dry “begged.” She’s supposedly being given the ride of her life, but there is nothing to convince me that she is doing anything besides placidly standing there, taking it, politely asking for a little more, a little deeper.
Someone call the Grammar Police, we got a hot one here! The last sentence is wrong. Simply wrong. Subject. Verb.
“S-stop!” Calleigh’s sudden exclamation confused Catherine.
Calleigh turned then, wrapping her legs around Catherine’s waist and leaned down, taking a nipple in her mouth. Catherine moaned out, digging one fist into Calleigh’s hair as she continued to fill her lover deeply.
I’d be confused too. Correction: I am confused.
I’m not trying to be a dick, I swear. But I’m having a hard time working out mechanics in my mind. First of all, Calleigh’s turning with the dildo inside her? Ow. Danger Will Robinson, Danger!
Secondly, neither Calleigh nor Catherine are large women, but even with the support of the wall, Catherine would have a hard time supporting the weight of another full-grown woman and keeping her momentum.
The physics just don’t work.
Calleigh licked, sucked, bit and fondled Catherine’s breasts, bringing her hips to meet Catherine’s each time a thrust came. Catherine pumped her lover until they both cried out; orgasms flooding their bodies, they arched and collapsed on the nearby bed.
The mechanics of this scene are that Calleigh had been folded like a lawn chair so she can perform ministrations on Catherine’s ta-ta’s and be fucked. Catherine pumps her like gas station, orgasms flood like denials, and somehow, they collapse on a bed, which is all too conveniently located nearby.
Wrapping up this fic, I must disclaim it by saying that I have seen worse. Much worse. The grammar was off in places. The sexual descriptions were hollow and unimaginative. Characterization was absent. However, the main reason I chose this fic was the first sentence of this story. I cannot get over it. I keep telling my girlfriend that I am about to partake in some of her “fine southern hospitality.” And she keeps laughing in my face.
Bottom line?
Empty physical descriptions leave me even less aroused than before I read this.
.