20 July 2009 Shit!Fic Review
I have a confession to make.
When I saw the post advertising the First Annual Femslash Kink meme, I was obscenely excited. It was as if the Femslash gods and goddesses came down from on high, sought me out, and personally blessed me with an overabundance of material for my shit!fic reviews. I have been touched by the saving and healing power of Badficcia, goddess of awful lesbian fiction. The benevolence of her grace has filled me, and I will dine at an eternal feast of shit!fic and salvation for the rest of my days. Amen.
Without the religious metaphor, I truly was excited. A Kink meme is the perfect excuse for people to do what they do anyway: write smut without regard for characterization, realism, plot, or grammar. Only now, they have the added bonus of the excuse, “But it was just for the kink meme… it wasn’t serious…”
Whatever lets you sleep at night. In truth, you can write kink and smut and do it well. Or you can write kink and smut and do it awfully. Guess what category the vast number of fics from this meme fell under?
Leading me to this week’s shit!fic review. I’ve been a bit slack lately in posting these, but I was saving my strength from the International Day of Femslash and the horror that it has wrought. I digress.
This week’s shit!fic review is based on a fic written from the prompt: BtVS - Buffy/Cordelia, butt plugs. With a prompt like that, you know the fic is going to be Walker, Texas Ranger. I might also add that most of the fics posted to this meme are anonymous, which is probably for the best.
(my first kink meme fic ever)
Good thing the author disclaims this. Otherwise, I might think she’d actually have ever had sex before in her life.
Buffy is lying on her stomach, her hands bound to the bed, legs spread, but not bound. She could free herself without breaking a sweat anyway.
She likes to pretend she doesn't have a choice.
I can already see where this is going.
There is a clinical description of the scene, but no emotional tension, also a vague proclamation that Buffy enjoys being tied up and out of control. There is no exposition or emotion here. Why does Buffy like pretending she doesn’t have a choice? How does it make her feel?
Cordelia is grinning as she opens the drawer next to the bed. She likes this. After putting just a small amount of the lube on her fingers she focuses her attention on the naked woman on her bed again. Buffy is already very wet.
Her warm fingers spread Buffy's legs a bit further before she begins to slowly massage with her lubed fingers. Buffy moans and pushes against her fingers, ready to be penetrated.
Let me take a quick moment here to hammer out a little detail that really fries my latkes. Cordelia puts “just a small amount of the lube on her fingers?” No bitch, I don’t care who you are, unless your anus has been stretched to the average diameter of a Stargate, “just a small amount of lube” is not going to cut it.
So on the off chance anyone is taking their sexual education from femslash stories, first of all DON’T. Secondly, if you plan on sticking something in someone’s butt, you better make that thing slipperier than an Exxon Valdez spill.
Anyway… The most unerotic thing I can imagine is emotionless, passionless sex. Stupid professions are not erotic. “Cordelia likes this.” She likes what exactly and why? You have to give me something to work with here. I can tell you, “I like puppies,” but it doesn’t mean anything without context, other than making me sound mildly retarded. But if I tell you I like puppies because growing up, I had a German Shepherd named Harlo that my parents got me for my fifth birthday, and that every day Harlo met me at the bus stop as I walked home, slept in my bed every night, played Indiana Jones with me in my backyard, that I could hitch my bike to him and he’d pull me down the street, and that Harlo was fatally bitten by a water moccasin that he was trying to keep away from me when I was nine, then you have a whole new profound understanding of why “I like puppies.”
Cordelia slides her first finger in and Buffy almost explodes. It doesn't take long before Buffy pushes against her again, demanding more. Cordelia is quick to comply, sliding a second finger into Buffy's ass.
When I read this, I had a mental image of Buffy exploding all over the room, pieces of hair and brain matter spattering the walls, Cordelia splattered in blood and pieces of mangled flesh, kneeling on the bed, one finger still extended where Buffy’s ass had been. I’m sorry. Bad imagery.
She pushes in and out rhythmically for a minute, before she slips out her fingers again and takes the plug out of the drawer where it is stored next to the lube. Buffy likes to have it inserted and then be fucked by Cordelia with a dildo and Cordelia also likes to comply with that preference.
The author explaining to me precisely where the butt plug is stored in relation to the lube is a ridiculous detail to include when there is such a startling lack of detail about anything else in the whole fic. I don’t care where these to fanny-bandits keep their butt plug. What is more pertinent to the story is why they do this, why they enjoy it, the psychological motivation, and the emotion behind it. It isn’t enough to tell me what they enjoy, but why they enjoy it.
Otherwise, it comes across as sounding like a book I’d read to my nephew. “Spot likes to run. He runs with his friend Rover. He runs all day. Run, Spot, run!” Only, here it is, “Buffy likes things in her ass. Cordelia sticks things in Buffy’s ass. They put things in her ass all day. Fuck, Buffy, fuck!”
Buffy moans more when Cordelia teases her with the plug, sliding it between her ass cheeks without inserting it until it is covered in lube and Buffy's wetness. Then Cordelia pushes and Buffy spreads and opens up.
Thank god Cordelia didn’t just jam that thing in there. I’d have keeled over otherwise. The only other thing I have to say about this passage starts with the line: “Buffy spreads…”
“Buffy spreads like Ol’ Fashioned Country Crock butter substitute. Enjoy that country fresh taste.”
Soon, Cordelia will flip her over and fuck her like there's no tomorrow. But for now, Buffy just likes to focus on the feeling of fullness.
I heaved a sigh of relief when I read this. Thank god Cordelia is going to flip her over and fuck Buffy like there’s no tomorrow. I was concerned that Cordelia would flip her over and fuck her as if there was a tomorrow, or fuck her as if her heart just wasn’t into it that day. I was worried she was going to be tired or just not feeling it or something. It happens sometimes though. A lot of times, if I’ve worked hard all day or if I’m not feeling well, I tell my girlfriend: “Babygirl, I’m going to fuck you like there is going to be a tomorrow.”
That statement just struck me as asinine. People don’t have sex to half-ass it. When two people have sex, they are always giving it all they can. Nobody has sex with their lover and says, “We’re just going to go for mediocre today, honey.” Fuck off. You either put out to the best of your ability, or you just don’t have sex.
I like to focus on the feeling of fullness too. After Thanksgiving dinner, after going the Golden Corral, after going to the Chinese buffet down the street, after eating an entire batch of blueberry muffins all by myself. These things inspire fullness. Now, I’ve never had anything in my ass, but I think it would inspire less of a feeling of fullness and more of a feeling of “ohmygodthereissomethinginmyass!”
Had the author been bothered to elaborate on why Buffy enjoys the feeling of fullness, or how having six inches of plastic rectally inserted makes her feel full, I might be able to better understand her proclivity. But seeing as she couldn’t be bothered, neither can I.
Oh, and for those of you concerned, I never had a dog named Harlo. It was just an example.
.
When I saw the post advertising the First Annual Femslash Kink meme, I was obscenely excited. It was as if the Femslash gods and goddesses came down from on high, sought me out, and personally blessed me with an overabundance of material for my shit!fic reviews. I have been touched by the saving and healing power of Badficcia, goddess of awful lesbian fiction. The benevolence of her grace has filled me, and I will dine at an eternal feast of shit!fic and salvation for the rest of my days. Amen.
Without the religious metaphor, I truly was excited. A Kink meme is the perfect excuse for people to do what they do anyway: write smut without regard for characterization, realism, plot, or grammar. Only now, they have the added bonus of the excuse, “But it was just for the kink meme… it wasn’t serious…”
Whatever lets you sleep at night. In truth, you can write kink and smut and do it well. Or you can write kink and smut and do it awfully. Guess what category the vast number of fics from this meme fell under?
Leading me to this week’s shit!fic review. I’ve been a bit slack lately in posting these, but I was saving my strength from the International Day of Femslash and the horror that it has wrought. I digress.
This week’s shit!fic review is based on a fic written from the prompt: BtVS - Buffy/Cordelia, butt plugs. With a prompt like that, you know the fic is going to be Walker, Texas Ranger. I might also add that most of the fics posted to this meme are anonymous, which is probably for the best.
(my first kink meme fic ever)
Good thing the author disclaims this. Otherwise, I might think she’d actually have ever had sex before in her life.
Buffy is lying on her stomach, her hands bound to the bed, legs spread, but not bound. She could free herself without breaking a sweat anyway.
She likes to pretend she doesn't have a choice.
I can already see where this is going.
There is a clinical description of the scene, but no emotional tension, also a vague proclamation that Buffy enjoys being tied up and out of control. There is no exposition or emotion here. Why does Buffy like pretending she doesn’t have a choice? How does it make her feel?
Cordelia is grinning as she opens the drawer next to the bed. She likes this. After putting just a small amount of the lube on her fingers she focuses her attention on the naked woman on her bed again. Buffy is already very wet.
Her warm fingers spread Buffy's legs a bit further before she begins to slowly massage with her lubed fingers. Buffy moans and pushes against her fingers, ready to be penetrated.
Let me take a quick moment here to hammer out a little detail that really fries my latkes. Cordelia puts “just a small amount of the lube on her fingers?” No bitch, I don’t care who you are, unless your anus has been stretched to the average diameter of a Stargate, “just a small amount of lube” is not going to cut it.
So on the off chance anyone is taking their sexual education from femslash stories, first of all DON’T. Secondly, if you plan on sticking something in someone’s butt, you better make that thing slipperier than an Exxon Valdez spill.
Anyway… The most unerotic thing I can imagine is emotionless, passionless sex. Stupid professions are not erotic. “Cordelia likes this.” She likes what exactly and why? You have to give me something to work with here. I can tell you, “I like puppies,” but it doesn’t mean anything without context, other than making me sound mildly retarded. But if I tell you I like puppies because growing up, I had a German Shepherd named Harlo that my parents got me for my fifth birthday, and that every day Harlo met me at the bus stop as I walked home, slept in my bed every night, played Indiana Jones with me in my backyard, that I could hitch my bike to him and he’d pull me down the street, and that Harlo was fatally bitten by a water moccasin that he was trying to keep away from me when I was nine, then you have a whole new profound understanding of why “I like puppies.”
Cordelia slides her first finger in and Buffy almost explodes. It doesn't take long before Buffy pushes against her again, demanding more. Cordelia is quick to comply, sliding a second finger into Buffy's ass.
When I read this, I had a mental image of Buffy exploding all over the room, pieces of hair and brain matter spattering the walls, Cordelia splattered in blood and pieces of mangled flesh, kneeling on the bed, one finger still extended where Buffy’s ass had been. I’m sorry. Bad imagery.
She pushes in and out rhythmically for a minute, before she slips out her fingers again and takes the plug out of the drawer where it is stored next to the lube. Buffy likes to have it inserted and then be fucked by Cordelia with a dildo and Cordelia also likes to comply with that preference.
The author explaining to me precisely where the butt plug is stored in relation to the lube is a ridiculous detail to include when there is such a startling lack of detail about anything else in the whole fic. I don’t care where these to fanny-bandits keep their butt plug. What is more pertinent to the story is why they do this, why they enjoy it, the psychological motivation, and the emotion behind it. It isn’t enough to tell me what they enjoy, but why they enjoy it.
Otherwise, it comes across as sounding like a book I’d read to my nephew. “Spot likes to run. He runs with his friend Rover. He runs all day. Run, Spot, run!” Only, here it is, “Buffy likes things in her ass. Cordelia sticks things in Buffy’s ass. They put things in her ass all day. Fuck, Buffy, fuck!”
Buffy moans more when Cordelia teases her with the plug, sliding it between her ass cheeks without inserting it until it is covered in lube and Buffy's wetness. Then Cordelia pushes and Buffy spreads and opens up.
Thank god Cordelia didn’t just jam that thing in there. I’d have keeled over otherwise. The only other thing I have to say about this passage starts with the line: “Buffy spreads…”
“Buffy spreads like Ol’ Fashioned Country Crock butter substitute. Enjoy that country fresh taste.”
Soon, Cordelia will flip her over and fuck her like there's no tomorrow. But for now, Buffy just likes to focus on the feeling of fullness.
I heaved a sigh of relief when I read this. Thank god Cordelia is going to flip her over and fuck Buffy like there’s no tomorrow. I was concerned that Cordelia would flip her over and fuck her as if there was a tomorrow, or fuck her as if her heart just wasn’t into it that day. I was worried she was going to be tired or just not feeling it or something. It happens sometimes though. A lot of times, if I’ve worked hard all day or if I’m not feeling well, I tell my girlfriend: “Babygirl, I’m going to fuck you like there is going to be a tomorrow.”
That statement just struck me as asinine. People don’t have sex to half-ass it. When two people have sex, they are always giving it all they can. Nobody has sex with their lover and says, “We’re just going to go for mediocre today, honey.” Fuck off. You either put out to the best of your ability, or you just don’t have sex.
I like to focus on the feeling of fullness too. After Thanksgiving dinner, after going the Golden Corral, after going to the Chinese buffet down the street, after eating an entire batch of blueberry muffins all by myself. These things inspire fullness. Now, I’ve never had anything in my ass, but I think it would inspire less of a feeling of fullness and more of a feeling of “ohmygodthereissomethinginmyass!”
Had the author been bothered to elaborate on why Buffy enjoys the feeling of fullness, or how having six inches of plastic rectally inserted makes her feel full, I might be able to better understand her proclivity. But seeing as she couldn’t be bothered, neither can I.
Oh, and for those of you concerned, I never had a dog named Harlo. It was just an example.
.