Adapting it from the book: You're doing it wrong.
Watching the Golden Compass. jennaria is here on the basis that she'd get to hear me yell at the film. belu joined on the basis it'd make more sense to be watching the movie as opposed to just hear me yelling. Because five minutes in, and oh yeah, there's yelling at the film.
1) Lyra does not sneak into the Retiring Room on the basis to steal a robe. She sneaks into the Retiring Room due to curiosity.
2) It is not a gentleman from the Magestirium who poisons the brandy. It's the Head of the College. In fact, the Megestirium isn't even AT the meeting Asriel has with the Masters of the college.
3) Also, you NAME that man in the photo with the DUST.
4) And what is with that scene between Asriel and Lyra after the meeting?
5) First meeting between Lyra and Mrs. Coulter: you changed the name of the king of the bears. Also, Mrs. Coulter at no time mentions she's had a meeting with the bears. Also, it's not she who tells Lyra about the king wanting a demon. She overhears it from one of the college Scholars. Also, what is with the monkey molesting Pantalaimon?
6) Ok, sidenote: Christopher Lee and Derek Jacobi in a room together: that's hot.
7) Dear Mr. Head Scholar: the witches haven't told you anything. Also, you do not go to Lyra, Lyra comes to you. Also, you don't tell her anything about what the Aleithometer does.
8) Lyra vs. mrs. Coulter: ... qua? You're doing it wrong. That London Party was important for a reason, you realize.
9) No! No. No. That's not how you find out about the General Oblation Board, aka the Goblers. Furthermore, you don't learn her name, you don't run away like that, and the monkey while it's assumed he spies, you never see him physically holding the Aleithometer. Again? That London party kind of important. This, this just sets it up WRONG.
10) First, it's not Ma Costa who rescue her. It's Tony Costa. Second, she's with the Gyptians for a few days already before she meets Lord Faa and even longer before she meets Farder Coram. Third, Ma Costa is NOT IN THE ROOM when she meets with Faa and the other elders. Fourth, Lord Faa doesn't chuckle when Lyra asks to read the Aleithometer. In fact, he asks her to, encourages her. Fifth, Lyra is supposed to find out about her FATHER and MOTHER in that scene.
11) We do not see the children in the Facility. And its Mrs. Coulter who offers to send the letters, even writing them for the children who cannot write. Not some nurse. Not like that.
12) Dear Mr. Magestirium: You are in the wrong story scene. (Thia: "possibly the wrong movie all together. We're not sure yet.") Second, Mrs. Coulter doesn't find out about the witches prophecy or Lyra's destiny in this scene, or even in this book.
13) What's with showing Asriel getting captured?
14) The Spy-Flys? After they capture the one, it is just Farder Coram and Lyra. John Faa is not there. Ma Costa is not there. Second, they do not decide to rescue children like that. They go to an International Gyptian Council. It's there that Lyra MEETS Farder Coram. So, you're already doing this completely out of order. You're missing key points. For example, the fact that Lord Faa placates the Gyptians by mentioning Lyra's connection to Asriel. That they wait three days before making any decisions. And that the Aleithometer is not mentioned here.
15) .. wait, what? Serafina Pekkalas does not show up her, and not like that. Lyra does not even meet the witches before she Farder Coram arrive at the first stop, and they meet with an emissary. Even then, they meet KAISA, the witches' demon first, and it is KAISA who explains about witches demons being able to go further away from their humans. Also? Serafina would not ask Lyra that question. She would not ask so casually if Lyra could determine which man was her lover. Least of all, because Lyra does NOT meet Serafina like this or this early. She finally meets her only AFTER escaping from Bolvangar. And by that time, Lyra has figured out the former romance on her own, and both show heartbreak over it.
16) Oh, and one more thing? It's not Serafina who tells her about Bolvangar. Quite possibly, because SHE HASN'T MET HER YET!
17) Also, Lee Scoresby? One thing, Sam Elliot - you're fantastic. On the other hand, Scoreby doesn't tell Lyra to hire an aeronaut or an armoured bear. Faa hires him while Coram and Lyra visit the witch emissary. She doesn't even MEET Scoresby like that.
18) Iorek, no. Not like this.
19) However, Lee Scoresby does give her the nudge about telling Iorek about his armour, and the expedition.
20) Ma Costa does NOT travel with them.
21) Lee Scoresby does NOT save the day like that after Iorek rescues his armour.
22) Iorek has a contract with Faa. He owes a debt to Lyra, which he pays in that scene when she asks him not to kill that man. Awesome line, but never existed otherwise.
23) Scene between Mr. Magestirum and Magestirial Emmissary: what?
24) I understand that Philip Pullman himself wrote in the scene where Mrs. Coulter slaps her monkey. But it makes no sense. By slapping her monkey she's slapping herself. And why would the monkey then literally crawl up into her arms.
(Side note from Thia: "You've read the book more recently that I have. Does the monkey ever talk?"
Me: "No, never. Occasionally, he'll make noises of distress, or little squeals in the book. But no, never talks. You also never learn his name.")
25) Lyra, dear, you go to Faa and Coram first. Iorek only says yes after he gets Faa's permission. Because, oh right. Faa is paying him. And his contract is with Faa, not Lyra, however much he likes Lyra. You don't off without the Gyptians knowledge. Also, Ma Costa is not supposed to be there.
26) yay! You got lines right.
27) Iorek asks if he'll need his armour, does not just decide to not take it because it'll be faster.
28) You have the wrong kid. You have the right demon, but the WRONG CHILD! In the book, it's some kid named Tony Makreios, who has an alcoholic for a mother. It is NOT Billy Costa. Also, Lyra, honey, you not supposed to yet know what intercision is.
29) Also, they're not attacked yet. They're attacked in air, AFTER Lyra escapes from Bolvagard, which they haven;t yet found.
30) Also, Tony dies.
31) Also, Billy lives. With his demon intact.
32) So, Lyra is taken from the camps she's at with the Gyptians. (Re: Ma Costa's not there.) Granted. But she's taken to Bolvagard, NOT Svalbard. Out of order much?
33) Which Lyra is thrown into jail, and meets a mad professor. She attempts to learn about Bears. She talks her way into seeing the King, not brought to him. Also? MRS. COULTER IS NOT THE ONE TO TELL HER ABOUT THE BEAR KING WANTING A DEMON. Also, you changed the Bear King's name.
34) Honey, you wouldn't know about Bolvagar. Because you haven;t yet been there.
35) Also, you don't read the Aliethometer in the King's presence. You hide it, saying he'll only know when you are his demon.
36) Also, you have the King kills his own father, does not poison the old king then kill his heir.
37) Lyra with the bears for a while before Iorek gets there. Also, he doesn't know where Scoresby is in the book.
38) And the formalities? There are formalities they must first deal with, they don't just fight.
39) Ok, you got the death scene right. You missed the part where Iorek rips open the King's chest cavity, pulls out his heart and eats it raw.
40) Iorek doesn't take her to Bolvagard because she goes to Bolvagard BEFORE she goes to the king. The Gyptians rescue her, and the witches. It's there when she finally meets Serafina. Also, Billy is still alive and whole.
41) That scene with the bridge. That is true. But it's at the end of the book. And is a lot more touching. And has more meaning, because oh, right. it involves scenes you the movie don't.
42) Lyra is in Bolvagard for much longer before she finds Roger. She meets other girls. She becomes more sure of her pseudonym Lizzie Brooks. She does not hide under a table when Mrs. Coulter arrives, because when Mrs. Coulter arrives they've just had a fire drill, and oh , right, you're missing key scenes and time. Like the fact that Kaisa shows up and they rescue the demons whose children have been cut. And that bit about Asriel? Granted, he did bribe his captors (oh, you forgot whose guarding him, just saying), but the Magestirium is not coming to put him to death. In fact, he has the Magestrium under his thumb by now just as much as anyone else. They no longer care.
43) The fact that you haven't mentioned the truth about Asriel and Mrs. Coulter and Lyra really does take away an ENTIRE layer to the story.
44) Oh, right, Billy Costa is still alive, and whole. And his demon is not named 'Ratter'.)
45) Did I mention you're doing this wrong?
46) You just dragged that Intercision scene out way too long.
47) Oh, and Mrs. Coulter you're not the one to tell her about Dust. Asriel is. And that whole defying Authority? It wasn't just any people or any Authority. It was Adam and Eve and God.
48) Furthermore. At no point, do you mention your relationship to Lyra in this book. She knows already. Because she learned from someone not YOU. Hollywood dramatic liberties, yes, you suck.
49) Also, Lyra doesn't destroy the Intercision machine. She blows up the building using flour. Yes, FLOUR.
50) Also, you learn that the workers at Bolvagard have had their demons cut.
51) Granted, the witches do help at Bolvagard, but because a) Kaisa's been there first and b) so do the Gyptians. Because, oh right, you're out of order. Also, the witches fly on brooms. They do no hover in midair.
52) And the battle is not like this. Scoresby does NOT show up. It's not this dragged out. Or this intense.
53) Also, Billy Costa is still whole. And there.
54) And the witches have brooms.
55) Oh, look, the Gyptians. (And Ma Costa is still not supposed to be traveling with them!)
56) Shtup! Shtup! Shtup! Gehenna, gehenna, gehenna. Shtup!
57) Dear movie: shtup ir.
58) That is not how it ends.
59) No, really, it's NOT.
60) There's hope, but Roger doesn't live. Asriel kills him. In front of Lyra. Bill does live. Quite happily.
61) Tony Makreios doesn't. Too bad for him. Oh, and by the way? His demon's name is 'Ratter'. And they intercisioned him for a reason.
62) Also, it is all the Megestrium's fault.
63) No, really, you missed the entire end of the book.
64) Shtup.
(Side note from Thia: "You know she's more upset when she reverts to her own religion." There might have been a few "Jesus H. Christ" and "Jesus in Hell" uttered.)
(I'll be reading The Subtle Knife now, thanks.)
1) Lyra does not sneak into the Retiring Room on the basis to steal a robe. She sneaks into the Retiring Room due to curiosity.
2) It is not a gentleman from the Magestirium who poisons the brandy. It's the Head of the College. In fact, the Megestirium isn't even AT the meeting Asriel has with the Masters of the college.
3) Also, you NAME that man in the photo with the DUST.
4) And what is with that scene between Asriel and Lyra after the meeting?
5) First meeting between Lyra and Mrs. Coulter: you changed the name of the king of the bears. Also, Mrs. Coulter at no time mentions she's had a meeting with the bears. Also, it's not she who tells Lyra about the king wanting a demon. She overhears it from one of the college Scholars. Also, what is with the monkey molesting Pantalaimon?
6) Ok, sidenote: Christopher Lee and Derek Jacobi in a room together: that's hot.
7) Dear Mr. Head Scholar: the witches haven't told you anything. Also, you do not go to Lyra, Lyra comes to you. Also, you don't tell her anything about what the Aleithometer does.
8) Lyra vs. mrs. Coulter: ... qua? You're doing it wrong. That London Party was important for a reason, you realize.
9) No! No. No. That's not how you find out about the General Oblation Board, aka the Goblers. Furthermore, you don't learn her name, you don't run away like that, and the monkey while it's assumed he spies, you never see him physically holding the Aleithometer. Again? That London party kind of important. This, this just sets it up WRONG.
10) First, it's not Ma Costa who rescue her. It's Tony Costa. Second, she's with the Gyptians for a few days already before she meets Lord Faa and even longer before she meets Farder Coram. Third, Ma Costa is NOT IN THE ROOM when she meets with Faa and the other elders. Fourth, Lord Faa doesn't chuckle when Lyra asks to read the Aleithometer. In fact, he asks her to, encourages her. Fifth, Lyra is supposed to find out about her FATHER and MOTHER in that scene.
11) We do not see the children in the Facility. And its Mrs. Coulter who offers to send the letters, even writing them for the children who cannot write. Not some nurse. Not like that.
12) Dear Mr. Magestirium: You are in the wrong story scene. (Thia: "possibly the wrong movie all together. We're not sure yet.") Second, Mrs. Coulter doesn't find out about the witches prophecy or Lyra's destiny in this scene, or even in this book.
13) What's with showing Asriel getting captured?
14) The Spy-Flys? After they capture the one, it is just Farder Coram and Lyra. John Faa is not there. Ma Costa is not there. Second, they do not decide to rescue children like that. They go to an International Gyptian Council. It's there that Lyra MEETS Farder Coram. So, you're already doing this completely out of order. You're missing key points. For example, the fact that Lord Faa placates the Gyptians by mentioning Lyra's connection to Asriel. That they wait three days before making any decisions. And that the Aleithometer is not mentioned here.
15) .. wait, what? Serafina Pekkalas does not show up her, and not like that. Lyra does not even meet the witches before she Farder Coram arrive at the first stop, and they meet with an emissary. Even then, they meet KAISA, the witches' demon first, and it is KAISA who explains about witches demons being able to go further away from their humans. Also? Serafina would not ask Lyra that question. She would not ask so casually if Lyra could determine which man was her lover. Least of all, because Lyra does NOT meet Serafina like this or this early. She finally meets her only AFTER escaping from Bolvangar. And by that time, Lyra has figured out the former romance on her own, and both show heartbreak over it.
16) Oh, and one more thing? It's not Serafina who tells her about Bolvangar. Quite possibly, because SHE HASN'T MET HER YET!
17) Also, Lee Scoresby? One thing, Sam Elliot - you're fantastic. On the other hand, Scoreby doesn't tell Lyra to hire an aeronaut or an armoured bear. Faa hires him while Coram and Lyra visit the witch emissary. She doesn't even MEET Scoresby like that.
18) Iorek, no. Not like this.
19) However, Lee Scoresby does give her the nudge about telling Iorek about his armour, and the expedition.
20) Ma Costa does NOT travel with them.
21) Lee Scoresby does NOT save the day like that after Iorek rescues his armour.
22) Iorek has a contract with Faa. He owes a debt to Lyra, which he pays in that scene when she asks him not to kill that man. Awesome line, but never existed otherwise.
23) Scene between Mr. Magestirum and Magestirial Emmissary: what?
24) I understand that Philip Pullman himself wrote in the scene where Mrs. Coulter slaps her monkey. But it makes no sense. By slapping her monkey she's slapping herself. And why would the monkey then literally crawl up into her arms.
(Side note from Thia: "You've read the book more recently that I have. Does the monkey ever talk?"
Me: "No, never. Occasionally, he'll make noises of distress, or little squeals in the book. But no, never talks. You also never learn his name.")
25) Lyra, dear, you go to Faa and Coram first. Iorek only says yes after he gets Faa's permission. Because, oh right. Faa is paying him. And his contract is with Faa, not Lyra, however much he likes Lyra. You don't off without the Gyptians knowledge. Also, Ma Costa is not supposed to be there.
26) yay! You got lines right.
27) Iorek asks if he'll need his armour, does not just decide to not take it because it'll be faster.
28) You have the wrong kid. You have the right demon, but the WRONG CHILD! In the book, it's some kid named Tony Makreios, who has an alcoholic for a mother. It is NOT Billy Costa. Also, Lyra, honey, you not supposed to yet know what intercision is.
29) Also, they're not attacked yet. They're attacked in air, AFTER Lyra escapes from Bolvagard, which they haven;t yet found.
30) Also, Tony dies.
31) Also, Billy lives. With his demon intact.
32) So, Lyra is taken from the camps she's at with the Gyptians. (Re: Ma Costa's not there.) Granted. But she's taken to Bolvagard, NOT Svalbard. Out of order much?
33) Which Lyra is thrown into jail, and meets a mad professor. She attempts to learn about Bears. She talks her way into seeing the King, not brought to him. Also? MRS. COULTER IS NOT THE ONE TO TELL HER ABOUT THE BEAR KING WANTING A DEMON. Also, you changed the Bear King's name.
34) Honey, you wouldn't know about Bolvagar. Because you haven;t yet been there.
35) Also, you don't read the Aliethometer in the King's presence. You hide it, saying he'll only know when you are his demon.
36) Also, you have the King kills his own father, does not poison the old king then kill his heir.
37) Lyra with the bears for a while before Iorek gets there. Also, he doesn't know where Scoresby is in the book.
38) And the formalities? There are formalities they must first deal with, they don't just fight.
39) Ok, you got the death scene right. You missed the part where Iorek rips open the King's chest cavity, pulls out his heart and eats it raw.
40) Iorek doesn't take her to Bolvagard because she goes to Bolvagard BEFORE she goes to the king. The Gyptians rescue her, and the witches. It's there when she finally meets Serafina. Also, Billy is still alive and whole.
41) That scene with the bridge. That is true. But it's at the end of the book. And is a lot more touching. And has more meaning, because oh, right. it involves scenes you the movie don't.
42) Lyra is in Bolvagard for much longer before she finds Roger. She meets other girls. She becomes more sure of her pseudonym Lizzie Brooks. She does not hide under a table when Mrs. Coulter arrives, because when Mrs. Coulter arrives they've just had a fire drill, and oh , right, you're missing key scenes and time. Like the fact that Kaisa shows up and they rescue the demons whose children have been cut. And that bit about Asriel? Granted, he did bribe his captors (oh, you forgot whose guarding him, just saying), but the Magestirium is not coming to put him to death. In fact, he has the Magestrium under his thumb by now just as much as anyone else. They no longer care.
43) The fact that you haven't mentioned the truth about Asriel and Mrs. Coulter and Lyra really does take away an ENTIRE layer to the story.
44) Oh, right, Billy Costa is still alive, and whole. And his demon is not named 'Ratter'.)
45) Did I mention you're doing this wrong?
46) You just dragged that Intercision scene out way too long.
47) Oh, and Mrs. Coulter you're not the one to tell her about Dust. Asriel is. And that whole defying Authority? It wasn't just any people or any Authority. It was Adam and Eve and God.
48) Furthermore. At no point, do you mention your relationship to Lyra in this book. She knows already. Because she learned from someone not YOU. Hollywood dramatic liberties, yes, you suck.
49) Also, Lyra doesn't destroy the Intercision machine. She blows up the building using flour. Yes, FLOUR.
50) Also, you learn that the workers at Bolvagard have had their demons cut.
51) Granted, the witches do help at Bolvagard, but because a) Kaisa's been there first and b) so do the Gyptians. Because, oh right, you're out of order. Also, the witches fly on brooms. They do no hover in midair.
52) And the battle is not like this. Scoresby does NOT show up. It's not this dragged out. Or this intense.
53) Also, Billy Costa is still whole. And there.
54) And the witches have brooms.
55) Oh, look, the Gyptians. (And Ma Costa is still not supposed to be traveling with them!)
56) Shtup! Shtup! Shtup! Gehenna, gehenna, gehenna. Shtup!
57) Dear movie: shtup ir.
58) That is not how it ends.
59) No, really, it's NOT.
60) There's hope, but Roger doesn't live. Asriel kills him. In front of Lyra. Bill does live. Quite happily.
61) Tony Makreios doesn't. Too bad for him. Oh, and by the way? His demon's name is 'Ratter'. And they intercisioned him for a reason.
62) Also, it is all the Megestrium's fault.
63) No, really, you missed the entire end of the book.
64) Shtup.
(Side note from Thia: "You know she's more upset when she reverts to her own religion." There might have been a few "Jesus H. Christ" and "Jesus in Hell" uttered.)
(I'll be reading The Subtle Knife now, thanks.)