(no subject)

[thesilentpain]

I'm an absolute wreck. I wish someone or something would put me out of my own damn misery, because I certaintly don't have the courage to. Things with Matt and I have been on the rocks, I'm positively moving into a new apartment in May. I don't know if him and I will be over, because I don't know how living apart is going to affect the two of us. I do know that living alone is something I deeply fear. I also know that not having anyone to fall asleep next to, and wake up along side of, is going to be one of the hardest adjustments. And today I received a letter from my Mother in the mail. Inside, she has given me a tops gift card for 25 dollars. It's a gift card that her social worker had given *her* for groceries. Since I've opened it I have been crying incessantly. It's an odd feeling to explain, but I'm sure some of you will understand the sadness its evoked. Especially...if you had known my mother, or know of her present circumstances. I just want to curl up and die. Everythings so wrong. I feel like I'm not strong enough to get over the past, and that I'm certaintly not strong enough to deal with what the future is sure to bring. I remember when people used to tell me that what I had gone through as a child would make me into a much stronger person. Lies. The truth is I was never strong enough to cope with all that has already been. And so I still haven't. It has only created an individual too weak to take on common disaster. I find myself praying to every damn God to end this suffering...because I can't take anymore. I don't want a future, I want to tie up the loose ends and lay to rest.
I'm exhausted with life.
My heart has eyes. Eyes too big. And it just can't seem to understand ...that...I'm....tired.