(no subject)
Uhm. So I haven't really put much into this in a while...but I def want to start. Not just to update friends...(which is however, very important to me) But, to write write write. I love to write...and I think writing my words, thoughts, and emotions before acting on them will help me to think more clearly. And god knows I need to do that. So, life. Yea. Uhm, nothings really changed...I guess I've just learned to cope differently. When hard times come my way...I have to admit they're a lot easier to handle now. I think its just because I'm used to particular things creeping up on me and fucking me over and over and over and so forth. Until...they fuck me no more! How insightful. Schools not bad...but I wont lie I do want it to be over. I'm so anxious to move on quickly with my life. I seriously just want to settle down...now! Is that terrible? I'm ready to settle down with a permanent job, residence, and significant other. I'm ready to wake up next to the same person everyday for the rest of my life. I'm ready to make sums of money human beings can actually live on...comfortably. I want a house, a nice car, and security. Security. Security. Security. I. want. that. My boyfriend. I love Matt to death. I want him to be that person I wake up to. Trust is an important thing to me. And it isn't something you can get from me very easily. Too many people have taken my willingness to trust and smothered me with disappointment and dishonesty. God knows I get my hopes up, up, up, and those I know relentlessly...or maybe even thoughtlessly destroy its very existance. I love remembering good memories from the past. Those moments when you would come home...retreat to the comforts of your bed...and remember every single detail from that day...because it was Just. That. Good. You try to remember every movement, every word, every bit of visual ecstasy, and you ...reflect. You interpret, and store. Its fucking beautiful. I wish that before we died...we were able to play those stored memories from start to finish....and die knowing that those...those moments...were the ones you lived for. Your purpose. The meaning of your very existance. Right there....playing for you....and finally giving you the ability to pause, fast forward, and rewind. Fucking beautiful. I love to feel. I love to know how others feel. Isn't that why we're here? So lets fucking tell each other how we feel. I want to be told how important I am to someone else, I want to be held as if its the last opportunity, I want someone to suprise me for the sake of seeing that look on my face...you know the look, I want to be heard of, I want to be trusted, I want to be kissed like its the first time everytime, I want someone to look at me understand my words, my stares, my touch, my everything. And most of all, I want honesty. Someone who loves me so much that lying, or keeping things from me is nothing less that heresy. I want that. I'd love that. I love to feel. Thanks for listening, or rather reading my tiny moments of truth. Thank you. <3