(no subject)

[thesilentpain]

I've been crying from the moment I left Matt's house. I don't know how much more of this I can take. If it was just this once...I might of looked past it. But it has been 'just this once' for quite a while now. I got out of bingo with Lori (yes bingo!, and no! I didn't win...but I did have my elvis bingo blopper and my minature Poe action figure watching over my boards.) So anyways...get out of bingo and I rush at highest speeds with anticipation to see my sweetheart. Getting to see him always makes me happy and excited in anticpation. Always. So I rush and I rush as fast as I can...anticipation building... and I walk in the door...and nothing. Ignores me. So I continue standing, thinking...well maybe he'll finish doing what hes doing and surely hug me like hes been anticipating my arrival. Or atleast say hello...nope. Sits his ass down in the chair and asks me why I'm not sitting. So I sit down...happy for those few words atleast. And I cuddle against him...and its like cuddling with a store front mannequin. So I stare at him...like I always do...just to let him know I'm looking to him for something...a kiss? an I love you? I stare longingly...and mostly he just ignores me but sometimes if I'm lucky I get "why aren't you watching the tv" And also, I got my hair cut really, really, short today and I'm still sort of sketchy about it...and I couldn't wait to show him...to see if he liked it...and even if he didn't I was hoping he would still, assure me that I look beautiful and not too worry. But he didn't tell me it looked nice and he didnt assure me...which at the moment, is what I needed more than anything in the world. But I'm so used to the coldness he emits at times that I think optimisically..and I cheer up and think well hes leaving for work in 10 minutes so I've got nothing to worry about...he'll walk me to the car like he always does and make up for all of it by telling me then...he does love me, he'll kiss me, and tell me when we'll talk next. So I transfer my almost lost anticipation to this very moment...only today...things never got better. And he asked me to leave cuz he had to go to work and I got to my car...and cried. and cried. I contemplated marching back telling him that if he didn't start treating me better I might have to stop seeing him...but I'm weak. I'm such a fucking vulnerable piece of shit. I wanted to cut myself. But instead I wrote this journal. So to whomever is reading...your attention is greatly appreciated. Its those of you that read my journals, its those of you that take 5 to ten minutes out of your own day...to hear about mine. The attention you give me ...is more than I deserve. Or so it seems. So. Thank. you.
I know I wont do anything this time...I know I haven't time after time...
And I know he has to realize what hes doing
and I know its not me being a needy bitch
I thought about it.
I blamed myself.
At first...as always.
Hes the one that always tells me to speak up,
to be a bitch, if necessary
and Im beginning to think, its necessary
but I dont *know*
And knowing that hes treating me like shit...is *not* something I am anticipating.