(no subject)
last night was the worst night of my life. i know alot of people say that certain days are the worst day of their life based on something bad that happened or that things didn't go the way they planned. they say things like that but don't mean them in a literal sense because who really knows what day was actually the worst one they've ever had. last night was literally the worst night of my life. the worst part about it is that today is even worse. it's one thing to loose the most important thing in your life. it's quite another to give the most important thing to someone else. it's indescribably hard to see how happy someone is without you and to see how much better off they are. it hurts so much to see them talking about someone in a certain way and have to sit and think that they used to talk to you in that way. they used to look at you the same way they look at someone else now. to see your place taken by someone else is probably the most heartbreaking things one can imagine. no matter how much you want things to be how they were before, no matter what you do, they're not the same at all. i don't know how else to explain having to sit and think about what they're doing at every moment other than it's unbearable. my life is now meaningless. i have no reason to wake up in the morning anymore. i have nothing to look forward to. everything around me is just a constant reminder of how everything used to be. the stress is driving me insane. i'm dying on the inside. i can feel myself decaying. i'm sure everyone has noticed the wristbands i've worn for the last month or so. i've never taken them off. it hurts too much to wear them. it feels like they're made out of razor blades. no matter how much they hurt to wear taking them off would hurt far worse. i'm fucked no matter what i do. i've watched someone walk away from me hopeing it could come back. no matter how much i try i can't make it come back to me. my world has been shattered. pieces of how things used to be are everywhere and they can't be put back together. i feel like i'm freezing to death. i feel like i'm drowning. all i feel is misery. i wish i could bleed these feelings out of me. i wish i didn't have to feel. i wish i was numb. everything just keeps getting worse. it's just going to continue. my chest feels empty. my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. i can't help but hope things could be how they used to be. i can't do anything to fix it. i can't rebuild anything. i have no choice but to watch from a distance as everything slowly kills me. i have to sit and watch my happyness get taken away from me. i have to watch as someone else has the most important thing in the world to me. i haven't even so much as smiled in 3 days. i don't know when i'm going to again.