Longview
Click to view"Live your like like you are the hero of your movie." Joe Rogan
You know what is wrong with your life - go out, write down your goals; and do it.
"In depression, you are in a fight for your life."
I've been sleeping in. It is beautiful outside and it makes things worst. Yesterday was Chay's birthday. I miss her soo much. I sent a picture I drew of her for her birthday.
(Happy Birthday ma cherie! Love Jonathon)Not the greatest. At least I got her big beautiful black mysterious eyes.
I asked Irina for some relationship advice. I wanted to know if I do too much. I know I can be too much sometimes..I told her I need to send back her book on 'seduction' which I have been reading. She told me that she is not the best person to give advice. Relationships are the trickiest thing on earth. After reading a few more chapters I came to realize that it seems the problems I am having are the same problems that have plagued humanity throughout all of history.
I took a walk outside and went down to the InkLife Tour. I thought about getting an Ankh. I remember the first time Chay and I met, she was wearing the Ankh necklace. Our first conversation of was on the meaning, Life eternal, and I couldn't help but think that I've met the embodiment of Isis. That was our first date and I knew I would fall madly in love with her. She said that if she ever got a tattoo, that would be it. And if you read the entries below we talked about it for sometime. I ended up not getting it..yet. Its something I want to do with her, for her. I also tried to get Manson tickets through the free ticket raffle. I remember the time driving through the desert on our way back from Jemez. She had half her body leaning out the window and playing 'Coma White' over and over full blast. Every time I hear it I think of that time, those conversations on the meaning of the song to her. I know I place memories with songs too. I just keep thinking of the line by Rachel Hansen: "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate."
I have been thinking of making a funny video with Chay. I have an HD camera. Use it. I am waiting so fiercely for her to come back. For us to have an amazing time at the VLA.
My horoscope this month has been spot on. Things are feeling a little tense for you today, Scorpio, because you are starting to feel like you are the one that is doing all the giving. Your resentment is building because you have not been receiving what you well deserve in terms of emotional availability. In this case, your intuition is right, and rest assured that the other person is fully aware of their responsibilities and their lack of sensitivity. This is one case where you need to let them come to their senses. If you keep giving, when they finally do come around...and they will...you won't have the energy they need from you in that moment.I have such a righteous anger toward someone who gets everything and gives nothing. And I find myself wishing that she finds out who values her and who does not. I hope she finds the answers she is looking for, and deep down I felt she will. That is why I agreed to give the money to let her run to him. I remember the empty bird cage in her room. She saying that "the second you try to put me in that cage, it will be over." I think she will come to realize that with him he does everything to control other's, that he gets a kicks from taking peoples hearts and caging them. Reveling in the NPD! She will see him in his element, and I can see her being pulled aside in times he is gone and his dad, his grandparents, even people he has used and abused, will say. "let me tell you something..." Is it wrong of me to hope she wakes up and see veritas? For too long I didn't see the truth because it was easier to believe the lies And that is why I am done with his negative influence. His insatiable ego and manipulation. Even at this moment I want to stop writing on it, the energy only feeds and reinforces anger in me, of which, I do not want. I just don't want to be around such negative draining people and I don't want her to as well. I think she deserves better. I fight to wonder if this comes from a shadow of selfishness or jealously.
I need to really get into looking for abroad jobs. In two weeks I will be traveling to Indiana. It's not that I don't love my family..it is just I know I can't stay there too long. I will get stuck. I will fall into depression, working some dead end job, taking care of my nephews and wanting more out of life. I am going to take my time, the long route, take pictures and visit many interesting places.
There are bigger things in the world that I should direct my energies too, not someone who has NDP but organizations who have NPD. The anti-privacy, civil liberties infringement march of a technocratic tech corporations and the creeping fascistic military-industrial-media-phara-leviathan. Also, today is the March Against Monsanto. I sent heirloom seeds home and well as joined Power4Patriots. My family said it will be fun to have you home, to help move, to build alternative energy to be self-sufficient, to tend to the chickens and the gardens.
I need to get off my ass. Stop falling into a lazy depression. Stop chain smoking, being on the computer, reading, drawing, and missing Chay (and thinking of what is happening). Prepare yourself to be the best you can be if she will need you when she returns. Stop feeling like you are missing out on the best things in life. There is no need to writher in boredom when you have such many things you need to do.
Go out for a run, and then a swim this evening. Cough it out like the Green Mile. Clean up a categorize your things for the move and write down your goals for the next coming months.