Is it within me
It's just like you to contest
You wear it like a label on your breast
Don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
With your charm & in your pride
A hopeful look draped in despise.
I want to give you
Whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
Whatever you need.
What is is you need?
Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am getting by
On so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
Get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
Be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
Seem to push me far away from you.
The harder I push the further I fall.
"You break your own heart," She said. "You break your own heart by choosing to fall for such free-spirited independent women."
"You put the best in best friend, you make a good husband, but not a good boyfriend. You have every reason to to be mad at me, yet you are not. When I call and say, "don't get upset but.., you just reply. "but I love you."
Let us build anew tomorrow. Before I send her off on that airplane, I want to make some memories with the lovely Chay. Given that I will be need said memories before I leave myself. Something to look back on when I am having rough days.
As for the future, I did vaguely talk to Irina about it.
I told her that I am still taking what opportunities I can, just busy with outprocessing the military, interview for jobs, tests, applications, travel plans, and figuring out how I can survive financially..ect. Trying to find ways to deal with the anxiety, stress, and challenges durning this transition in life. I don't know exactly where I am going from here but I know it is not going to be boring. I'm thinking optimistic and try to be open to opportunities and possibilities. I was rather upset about how I am going to make it and I was told the next day that I'm going to be fine. I got good karma coming my way and that I am at least trying to make a future for myself. Sometimes, like tonight a little reassurance helps. I got some things to do tomorrow I'm not thrilled about but I'm going to do it because well...it will just be good karma.
She told me I was a sweetheart and to follow my heart that it will never steer me wrong.
So I did the next day, I gave Chay the money to run-off and unload her heart. It was such a huge sacrifice. Again I gave I away my freedom to please her. I need it for the future. I need to make ends meet. But I know it sounds crazy, but I listened to my heart and intuitions, I feel it will be returned. I know the cliche, No good deed goes unpunished. Hopefully, it is just eating nutella sandwiches, leftovers for a week or two, and selling a few things until I get my separation pay.
I then went and got my medical records and checked up on my clearance to get that govt. contracting job in Afghanistan. I told my uncle on my way home if I could stay in Denver before do a long drive across the US back to home. I met Chay and we talked about the future. I told her lets go to the VLA like we've made plans to time and time again. Just make sure you come back. She promised that she would and that eventually she would payback the thousands of dollars she owes me. And we got into a discussion about karma. We both believe in it and that things would work out for the both of us.
This whole karma thing was vindicated by a wonderful voicemail. It was Laura, who told me thank you for helping her though the crazy times of our adolescence. Of how much she thinks of those times and how it has made her into a better loving wife. She said, " I want to thank you for being such an awesome friend durning a not so awesome time. I remember all those times hanging out and I have a lot of found memories and fun times. I just hope everything is going well for you and a big thank you! If you ever come back this way to the podunk midwest, we should catch up sometime."
Coincidences..which seem to be manifesting everyday and more often. It was weird because at that time I was thinking of how that time parallels this time years ago. Then that happens. And like the other day, I was looking for a card for Chay birthday, and "Calling You" by Blue October came on. I think I cried a little right there in the store. As one of the coolest Russian who was murdered a few months ago used to say, "Don't be bitch." Sometimes I can't help it, and synchromystic in me comes out.
If life is a war of attrition, I'm running out of resources.
Of course with everything, I haven't been sleeping well. My mind over-thinking. I usually go to sleep listening to RedIceCreations, Coast2CoastAm, Joe Rogan Podcast, or Veritas Radio. I could get my Exo-politics certificate and be a investigative journalist. I know it sounds out there..but it would be cool to do a vice guide to travel and interview interesting people with alternative views. I could start out with people I already know and talked to, like George Green, Leija Turner, Elizabeth Eisenhower, Valdimir Megre, A sorta Project Camelot or Project Orion 2. I wondered if I could start my own media production company (kickstarter?), and maybe score interview with people like Michael St. Clair, David Icke. Dr. Steven Greer, Bob Dean, Steward Swerdlow, Michael Tsarion, Jessie Ventura, and Alex Jones. People with "out-there" interesting perspectives that I find interesting. Crazy idea.
Oh well, how can anyone besides you know what is best for you.
You wear it like a label on your breast
Don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
With your charm & in your pride
A hopeful look draped in despise.
I want to give you
Whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
Whatever you need.
What is is you need?
Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am getting by
On so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
Get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
Be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
Seem to push me far away from you.
The harder I push the further I fall.
"You break your own heart," She said. "You break your own heart by choosing to fall for such free-spirited independent women."
"You put the best in best friend, you make a good husband, but not a good boyfriend. You have every reason to to be mad at me, yet you are not. When I call and say, "don't get upset but.., you just reply. "but I love you."
Let us build anew tomorrow. Before I send her off on that airplane, I want to make some memories with the lovely Chay. Given that I will be need said memories before I leave myself. Something to look back on when I am having rough days.
As for the future, I did vaguely talk to Irina about it.
I told her that I am still taking what opportunities I can, just busy with outprocessing the military, interview for jobs, tests, applications, travel plans, and figuring out how I can survive financially..ect. Trying to find ways to deal with the anxiety, stress, and challenges durning this transition in life. I don't know exactly where I am going from here but I know it is not going to be boring. I'm thinking optimistic and try to be open to opportunities and possibilities. I was rather upset about how I am going to make it and I was told the next day that I'm going to be fine. I got good karma coming my way and that I am at least trying to make a future for myself. Sometimes, like tonight a little reassurance helps. I got some things to do tomorrow I'm not thrilled about but I'm going to do it because well...it will just be good karma.
She told me I was a sweetheart and to follow my heart that it will never steer me wrong.
So I did the next day, I gave Chay the money to run-off and unload her heart. It was such a huge sacrifice. Again I gave I away my freedom to please her. I need it for the future. I need to make ends meet. But I know it sounds crazy, but I listened to my heart and intuitions, I feel it will be returned. I know the cliche, No good deed goes unpunished. Hopefully, it is just eating nutella sandwiches, leftovers for a week or two, and selling a few things until I get my separation pay.
I then went and got my medical records and checked up on my clearance to get that govt. contracting job in Afghanistan. I told my uncle on my way home if I could stay in Denver before do a long drive across the US back to home. I met Chay and we talked about the future. I told her lets go to the VLA like we've made plans to time and time again. Just make sure you come back. She promised that she would and that eventually she would payback the thousands of dollars she owes me. And we got into a discussion about karma. We both believe in it and that things would work out for the both of us.
This whole karma thing was vindicated by a wonderful voicemail. It was Laura, who told me thank you for helping her though the crazy times of our adolescence. Of how much she thinks of those times and how it has made her into a better loving wife. She said, " I want to thank you for being such an awesome friend durning a not so awesome time. I remember all those times hanging out and I have a lot of found memories and fun times. I just hope everything is going well for you and a big thank you! If you ever come back this way to the podunk midwest, we should catch up sometime."
Coincidences..which seem to be manifesting everyday and more often. It was weird because at that time I was thinking of how that time parallels this time years ago. Then that happens. And like the other day, I was looking for a card for Chay birthday, and "Calling You" by Blue October came on. I think I cried a little right there in the store. As one of the coolest Russian who was murdered a few months ago used to say, "Don't be bitch." Sometimes I can't help it, and synchromystic in me comes out.
If life is a war of attrition, I'm running out of resources.
Of course with everything, I haven't been sleeping well. My mind over-thinking. I usually go to sleep listening to RedIceCreations, Coast2CoastAm, Joe Rogan Podcast, or Veritas Radio. I could get my Exo-politics certificate and be a investigative journalist. I know it sounds out there..but it would be cool to do a vice guide to travel and interview interesting people with alternative views. I could start out with people I already know and talked to, like George Green, Leija Turner, Elizabeth Eisenhower, Valdimir Megre, A sorta Project Camelot or Project Orion 2. I wondered if I could start my own media production company (kickstarter?), and maybe score interview with people like Michael St. Clair, David Icke. Dr. Steven Greer, Bob Dean, Steward Swerdlow, Michael Tsarion, Jessie Ventura, and Alex Jones. People with "out-there" interesting perspectives that I find interesting. Crazy idea.
Oh well, how can anyone besides you know what is best for you.