In dreams I reach out to her but she never turns around..
I always thought that if I loved someone and I was loved back life would be easy. Though whatever happens in life at least you have that and can face the challenges because "love conquers all."
But life is complicated. Love is complicated. You never know what is going to happen. I'm more confused now that I've ever been with life.
Maybe things are hard to force you to grow.
I thought that with Justin gone, now I could call whenever. We could hang out everyday and not have to worry about hanging out everyday. The opposite has happened. We don't hang out everyday now. Whenever I call or ask she would tell me that she is "busy". It was a rehash of a year in a half ago. I was devastated then. I wondering if it would be like that, where it would be, I'm busy I'm busy, then gone, ghosted, disappeared.
I told her "Our last few days together I would like them to be filled with good times. Much love, laughter, smiles and hugs!! So we can both look back fondly on the memories we make!
She told me that she is trying to get her life in order, its not easy. She wants to be independent. Its good to be independent. She has a lot to do in a month and not much time for fun.
I'm doing the same. Getting my life in order too. To let me help you. To face it together.
But she said come on you're my friend, I don't want a naggy boyfriend and I'm glad to have you to lean on.
I told her that I'm sorry for the way I've been, Its just I'm loosing everything, and I don't want to loose you.
We were supposed to run today the 10K Run for the Zoo. I knew when I called in the morning she would say that she is not feeling like doing it. She wanted me to tell her about what I am going to do. I was going to tell her all about it durning the run. Plans A, B, C, and D. Talk about our hopes and dreams, and the future.
I thought I would be the one doing the uplifting. But I have been rather devastated. She told me one day you are going to find love. Its just not me in the way you want. I don't make many promises, but I promise you Europe and France someday. Now I got a lot to do, and you do too. This is a chance for a new life for the both of us.
She said we would talk later.
All I would like is to hold her close give her a kiss on the forehead.