Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc
Well it has without a doubt been quite something since I last logged onto Livejournal, let alone post on it. Looking back on all the things I've said, and that things I'd said I've done, all the empty promises, all the pain, all the rebellion, all the poetry, all the randomness -- everything -- it really takes me back.
Today is April 22nd 2011. Two thousand eleven. That is ridiculous. Time has played itself like a prisoner, escaping from me (prison). Right this moment, I am sitting at a computer at a computer lab in Penn State University (that is located in State College, Pennsylvania). I do not attend this school; my sister does. I'm here on vacation to see her, and well, I haven't done anything worth mentioning yet.
Two thousand eleven.
In movies, books, dreams and stories told to you by your parents, you're supposed to look back on your life years later and see how you have grown. You're supposed to see the things you have accomplished and where you are in your life now in contrast to where you were a few years back.
I don't want to come off as someone complaining, or brooding like I'm still 17... However, I honestly don't feel much has changed. Looking back on all these LJ entries, and looking at who I am now, I honestly feel as though I am more disappointed in myself than proud of myself. To list out my accomplishments in the last 5 or so years would be like pulling teeth.
~ I'm still in the band Unarmed For Victory. While the line-up has completely changed -- both Aaron Brown and Robert Acheson are no longer a part of the band -- I still find myself as that kid writing lyrics, finding salvation ONLY in the words I write down in hopes that someday I may share these words with someone who can truly relate to me.
Does that make me selfish? What does that make me? I write, and I write, and I write, and I find that I'm most honest when I write. The downside is that when I write, and I try to have people read my writing, it's like I'm asking them for the world. I get the "oh, it's good" response, and well, I could care less for that response.
~ I'm still attending the same school that I have been for the last few years, Miami Dade College. Luckily though, this is only true up until the next couple weeks. I've decided to take the summer off from school, and in the Fall, I hope to join a university. Which? I haven't a clue yet. I have my eye set on both University of South Florida (in Tampa) and Full Said University (in Orlando/Winter Park).
~ Image-wise, I look in the mirror and find that I am not content with myself. There was a point in my life where I was able to fit into a size Small with ease (I still don't believe it now, though photos say otherwise) though even then I felt big. Now I really am. I fit into size Large. My pants size went up from a 32 to a 38. Lately, I've been finding the encouragement in myself to work on that issue. Obviously by working out. Unfortunately though, I have a few issues that have been hindering that motivation: school and work.
~ I'm still at the same job. Starbucks. I got through a series of mundane tasks every shift I work, which is usually Monday through Friday closing shifts. I see the same people every day (customers I mean), and they order the same thing everyday. When you hand it to them, they ask the same questions everyday.
~ I still live in Miami.
~ Cristina and I are still dating.
Granted, let this not be considered me hating my life. Truthfully, I'm downright apathetic toward my life. I get that minor details have changed, such as my sister moving out and going to school in another state, and this year it seems a lot more will change. My parents are planning to move to North Carolina in June. A lot of stuff from our house has already been sold or given to people and family friends. Unarmed For Victory is planned to take off on a small Floridian Tour in June and then to follow the Warped Tour for a few dates in July. I'm supposed to be going on a trip with Cristina to somewhere we haven't been before, or experienced before. I still don't know where I am going to live. All of this and more, I'm more or less excited for in a way, but I still feel as though I'm not content.
I thought by now I would be so much more.
I dreamt that I would be so much more.
I can't even come up with a list of accomplishments. Nothing has truly been done, accomplished or finished.
For a while now, I've been living in the past. I've been holding onto things, ideas, people, events and memories that I should have let go and let pass by now. Inside myself, I know I am more than that, but I feel as if the real crime here is that I'm stuck on those events and past memories because it was during a time where I wasn't so stagnant. Because it was during a time where I had more control of what has happening around me. Because it was during a time where I was so much better at hiding my true intentions, morals, emotions and sorrows. Because it was during a time where I didn't have to wonder how I'm going to be looked at based on my decisions in my current times.
I'm rambling.
It's good to be back, livejournal.
Today is April 22nd 2011. Two thousand eleven. That is ridiculous. Time has played itself like a prisoner, escaping from me (prison). Right this moment, I am sitting at a computer at a computer lab in Penn State University (that is located in State College, Pennsylvania). I do not attend this school; my sister does. I'm here on vacation to see her, and well, I haven't done anything worth mentioning yet.
Two thousand eleven.
In movies, books, dreams and stories told to you by your parents, you're supposed to look back on your life years later and see how you have grown. You're supposed to see the things you have accomplished and where you are in your life now in contrast to where you were a few years back.
I don't want to come off as someone complaining, or brooding like I'm still 17... However, I honestly don't feel much has changed. Looking back on all these LJ entries, and looking at who I am now, I honestly feel as though I am more disappointed in myself than proud of myself. To list out my accomplishments in the last 5 or so years would be like pulling teeth.
~ I'm still in the band Unarmed For Victory. While the line-up has completely changed -- both Aaron Brown and Robert Acheson are no longer a part of the band -- I still find myself as that kid writing lyrics, finding salvation ONLY in the words I write down in hopes that someday I may share these words with someone who can truly relate to me.
Does that make me selfish? What does that make me? I write, and I write, and I write, and I find that I'm most honest when I write. The downside is that when I write, and I try to have people read my writing, it's like I'm asking them for the world. I get the "oh, it's good" response, and well, I could care less for that response.
~ I'm still attending the same school that I have been for the last few years, Miami Dade College. Luckily though, this is only true up until the next couple weeks. I've decided to take the summer off from school, and in the Fall, I hope to join a university. Which? I haven't a clue yet. I have my eye set on both University of South Florida (in Tampa) and Full Said University (in Orlando/Winter Park).
~ Image-wise, I look in the mirror and find that I am not content with myself. There was a point in my life where I was able to fit into a size Small with ease (I still don't believe it now, though photos say otherwise) though even then I felt big. Now I really am. I fit into size Large. My pants size went up from a 32 to a 38. Lately, I've been finding the encouragement in myself to work on that issue. Obviously by working out. Unfortunately though, I have a few issues that have been hindering that motivation: school and work.
~ I'm still at the same job. Starbucks. I got through a series of mundane tasks every shift I work, which is usually Monday through Friday closing shifts. I see the same people every day (customers I mean), and they order the same thing everyday. When you hand it to them, they ask the same questions everyday.
~ I still live in Miami.
~ Cristina and I are still dating.
Granted, let this not be considered me hating my life. Truthfully, I'm downright apathetic toward my life. I get that minor details have changed, such as my sister moving out and going to school in another state, and this year it seems a lot more will change. My parents are planning to move to North Carolina in June. A lot of stuff from our house has already been sold or given to people and family friends. Unarmed For Victory is planned to take off on a small Floridian Tour in June and then to follow the Warped Tour for a few dates in July. I'm supposed to be going on a trip with Cristina to somewhere we haven't been before, or experienced before. I still don't know where I am going to live. All of this and more, I'm more or less excited for in a way, but I still feel as though I'm not content.
I thought by now I would be so much more.
I dreamt that I would be so much more.
I can't even come up with a list of accomplishments. Nothing has truly been done, accomplished or finished.
For a while now, I've been living in the past. I've been holding onto things, ideas, people, events and memories that I should have let go and let pass by now. Inside myself, I know I am more than that, but I feel as if the real crime here is that I'm stuck on those events and past memories because it was during a time where I wasn't so stagnant. Because it was during a time where I had more control of what has happening around me. Because it was during a time where I was so much better at hiding my true intentions, morals, emotions and sorrows. Because it was during a time where I didn't have to wonder how I'm going to be looked at based on my decisions in my current times.
I'm rambling.
It's good to be back, livejournal.