[multi-part] it was the worst of times...
Title: It was the worst of times...
Pairing: Taiga x Hokuto
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Word Count: 9291
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and only the words are mine.
Summary: He wants things to be OK between them, and they are mostly, but he wants them to be really OK, only he doesn’t know how to make things right again, if he even can.
A/N: Happy Birthday to lady-aenea!! This is the fic I meant to write for you last year but couldn't quite manage. It ties into ' It was the best of times...' pretty much throughout so I'd recommend giving that a quick read again to remind yourself. I hope you enjoy this! And I hope you've had an awesome birthday filled with love and cake!
The first time it happens Taiga can kind of understand it, the Bakaleya movie is just coming out and Hokuto and Shintaro are the leads after all, it makes sense they’d be pushed to the front while promotions are going on. He and Jesse don’t even question it as they each take a few steps back from their usual positions. Taiga actually kind of even wonders how it ended up with him and Jesse in the front anyway - not that he was complaining.
It’s like that for a while, and it’s fine, and gradually they start inching their way back forward again and that’s even better. But then it happens again, and Taiga doesn’t understand that one quite as easily because this time it’s just him. “Matsumura-kun, switch positions with Kyomoto-kun” the choreographer calls and Taiga feels the words like a physical blow. Hokuto turns to look at him, his expression a picture of surprise but Taiga just shrugs his shoulders as he fights to keep his expression impassive, and he moves silently along the line, making space in the centre for Hokuto.
He shrugs it off again three run-throughs later when they’re taking a break and Hokuto practically skips over to him. “Weird isn’t it...I wonder why they changed our positions?” Hokuto asks. Taiga shrugs. “Are you OK? You seem even quieter than usual...”
Taiga nods, doesn’t even try for a smile because he knows he couldn’t fake one, not in front of Hokuto, even if he weren’t feeling so mentally desolate. “I just don’t feel so good today...”
Hokuto pouts. “You still want me to come over after work?”
It wasn’t Hokuto’s idea to switch them, he shouldn’t be upset with Hokuto, hell he shouldn’t be upset at all because it’s not like the moves are any different, he’s just doing them in a different place, a little further back. He is upset though, and somehow it matters very little that it wasn’t Hokuto’s idea. “Rain-check?” he asks.
Hokuto’s smile is a little sad but he nods and then he looks around surreptitiously as he takes Taiga’s hand in his and then quickly leans in to press a light kiss against Taiga’s lips. Taiga squeezes his hand in response, melting just a little on the inside, but before he can change his mind and ask Hokuto to come home with him, they’re being called back to their positions and he feels his expression fall back into a frown.
They don’t mention it the next day, all they have are photo-shoots and just because the photographer spends a little more time with Hokuto than he does with Taiga, that doesn’t necessarily mean that Hokuto will get the full page feature instead of him. It seems a little more likely when they pair up for the next section of the shoot though and Taiga is back to back with Kouchi while Hokuto and Jesse pose together.
Taiga swallows it down, glad at least that the tone of the photo-shoot is serious and cool, and he does his job, but his jaw is still lightly clenched when they’re dismissed and he and Kouchi follow the echoes of Hokuto and Jesse’s laughter along the hallway to the dressing room.
He changes in silence, concentrating on dressing and then packing his bag, on pushing aside his irrational anger. He only realises once he’s done that Hokuto is waiting for him. He’s momentarily surprised because he’d heard the others leaving and just assumed Hokuto would have been with them. It makes a kind of sense that Hokuto is waiting though, and that makes Taiga’s chest feel kind of fluttery, because Hokuto always waits for him, even if it’s just to walk back to the station together.
“Do you want me to come over tonight?” Hokuto asks, but it’s not until they’ve reached the station. It’s not the words really, but the tone of Hokuto’s voice that has Taiga nodding. He sounds kind of sad, almost sorry - and Taiga weirdly likes that. They still don’t say anything on the train, Taiga is too tired, too emotionally drained.
“Are you still unwell?” Hokuto asks him once they’re off the train, and no longer surrounded by hundreds of prying eyes and ears, and he reaches up a hand to press his palm to Taiga’s forehead. It’s such a pure gesture that Taiga swallows down his lie that he’s fine, but he’s not about to admit that he’s still upset because Hokuto took his position. Hokuto speaks again before he finds an appropriate response. “Well I guess I’ll have to take care of you tonight...”
Taiga’s parents are out when they arrive, and Taiga is thankful for that because he’s as bad at lying to his mother as he is to Hokuto. He’s also glad because it means Hokuto doesn’t hesitate to drag him straight into the bathroom and strip off his clothes. He feels a little better once he’s under the spray of the shower, the water is warm and soothing and then Hokuto is stepping in behind him, his body so close Taiga can feel the heat of it, and his hands wind into Taiga’s hair, massaging shampoo into his scalp.
They’re on his shoulders next, still foamy, still massaging gently, working out the tension until Taiga feels boneless. But Hokuto’s hands don’t stop, they’re sliding down his sides, over his abdomen and around him, pulling him close as his lips replace them on his shoulders.
He lets out a long breath and Hokuto echoes it with a soft moan, and then he’s pressing closer, pressing hardness into Taiga’s tail-bone and they shudder in unison. Hokuto hums as his lips drag their way along his shoulder to his neck and up, open mouthed kisses that are half drowned by the spray of the shower as his hands sink lower, wrapping around Taiga’s growing erection.
Taiga’s breath hitches, and he feels Hokuto’s cock twitching as he arches his back against the feeling. The feeling that is gone too soon. Hokuto lets go once Taiga is fully hard, but he doesn’t let go of Taigas body with his other hand, that one trails around his mid-section as Hokuto almost slithers around Taiga’s body until they’re pressed together, front to front, erection to erection.
Hokuto moans softly, Taiga’s noise is more a grunt, and he pulls Hokuto closer, fuelled by arousal and sensuality, and everything is just right only not enough too. They kiss, a few deep, hard kisses, but their tongues barely have time to dance before Hokuto is pulling away, falling away. He’s falling to his knees and his eyes are looking up, fierce and lustful, so fucking deep that Taiga almost feels lost.
There’s heat around him, a different kind of moist, perfect, tight, pressure as Hokuto hollows his cheeks and keeps fucking looking, watching Taiga in a way that makes Taiga feel like a star, centre stage for Hokuto’s private show. He moves his hand to Hokuto’s cheek, brushing it softly, a thumb framing Hokuto’s lips for just a second before sliding back, knotting into hair that’s so much longer than it was the first time they tangled into it, back in some TV studio stairwell.
Hokuto’s hands are moving again, caressing his thighs at first but then his right hand is moving with more intent, more purpose, around to the back of his thigh and up. Taiga gasps when a finger feathers over his rim, his legs parting on instinct, begging for more and Hokuto’s finger brushes over it again. His head tilts back, another gasp, this one more desperate as Hokuto’s finger starts to swirl and then it slips inside just as Hokuto’s lips tighten around the head of his cock.
Taiga cries out, the hand in Hokuto’s hair tightening, tugging backwards because it’s all too much, because he’s been so tense, so on edge, every feeling prickling along his skin and this, the yearning hunger in Hokuto’s eyes is too much.
He raises his head again, his eyes locking with Hokuto’s, and then they clench closed as Hokuto’s finger thrusts roughly inside of him, in, out, in, all the way out, and coming back in with two.
Taiga’s fingers tense against Hokuto’s scalp, his eyes opening, half warning half begging and Hokuto looks back like he can’t get enough, but eventually he nods. He’s on his feet in seconds, his fingers disappearing in a sudden rush and then Taiga is being spun quickly, pressed against the glass screen of the shower. And then Hokuto is inside him and Taiga has barely enough consciousness left to chide himself for caring about stupid dance positions, when this is the only position that matters.
He feels stupid and childish, for days following, but then the jealousy starts to creep back in as the week drags into the next, then the next and photo-shoot after photo-shoot finds Hokuto paired with Jesse. And then the schedule for the next episode of Shounen club arrives.
It doesn’t even bother him that part of the first medley features the other five without him because he gets lead vocals in the part after it, and that almost gives him hope, but then he scans down the rest of the song allocations and his heart drops into his stomach. As well as appearing in the first medley, Jesse and Hokuto are getting a duet, an entire one, just them, not even any backing dancers. That says it all really.
He grits his teeth through the rehearsal of his own parts, the few of them that there are, and then he’s dismissed while the rest take a short break ready to continue with their next parts. He picks up his towel and his water and darts out of the door and along to the dressing room for his things.
He’s part way through re-arranging his bag when the door opens behind him and Hokuto steps through. Taiga looks up briefly but Hokuto is the last person he wants to see right now so without a word he turns back to his bag.
Hokuto’s trainers squeak on the floor a little as he crosses the room and Taiga takes a deep breath because he can’t do this, not when he’s still feeling raw from rehearsals, and then he turns as Hokuto’s hand rests lightly on his shoulder.
“Taiga...” Hokuto says, and his voice is almost as grave as his expression. “Can we talk?”
Taiga doesn’t want to talk, he can feel his face heating up but it’s too early to tell if it’s in anger or if he’s about to cry. “I have to get home...” he says instead, tight-lipped, his voice sounding strangely strained.
“You’ve been acting weird...” Hokuto says, ignoring him. “You’ve been like it for weeks...what’s going on?”
“Nothing.” he answers stubbornly, and he turns away as he continues to pack his bag.
Hokuto grabs the towel he’s about to put away with a sharp, imploring “Taiga...” and Taiga has no choice but to turn back to him. He’s still trying to figure out what to say though, how to get out of it when the door behind Hokuto opens and Jesse dashes through the door only to stop short at the tension in the room and back out again slowly.
It irritates Taiga. “You should go” He says bitterly to Hokuto, nodding his head at the door that Jesse is standing awkwardly on the other side of. It really irritates him, and he almost spits. “Jesse is waiting to rehearse your duet again.”
Hokuto’s eyes widen almost comically “Is that what this is about?” he asks with a snort “You’re jealous?” He laughs, his sombreness replaced entirely with amusement, and Taiga decides that it is anger he’s feeling. He can hear the blood pounding in his ears and his hands ball into fists, because how dare Hokuto laugh. “I’m not cheating on you with Jesse!”
The tension is gone just like that though it’s mostly due to surprise. It hadn’t even occurred to him that there might be something going on between them, not once. “What?” He asks bewildered, as Hokuto’s laughter fades gently, leaving behind it an endeared expression.
“Taiga...” Hokuto says softly, and he glances briefly at the door before taking Taiga’s hands and squeezing them lightly. “Taiga, it’s sweet that you’re worried but I promise there’s nothing going on between us, OK?”
Taiga thinks his mouth is probably still hanging open in surprise, but Hokuto looks so relieved, so appreciative, that he can’t tell Hokuto that wasn’t the reason for his foul mood - wouldn’t anyway because he doesn’t exactly want to admit the real reason for his foul mood. He nods his head slowly and gives Hokuto’s hands a little squeeze in return. “Yeah, OK.” he concedes and Hokuto’s face all but lights up again.
“I have to get back, I’ll come over tonight though, yeah?” He says, half sorry and half hopeful and the way he fidgets his feet a little tells Taiga that’s he’s trying very hard to restrain himself from kissing Taiga.
He can’t help smiling a little in return as he nods, and then Hokuto looks around again before giving in and leaning in to press a firm kiss against Taiga’s lips.
Hokuto seems to have taken Taiga’s apparent concern over him and Jesse to heart, because as the days pass, he makes a redoubled effort to spend every minute he’s not busy steaming ahead in his career, with Taiga. It should make Taiga happy, and sometimes it does, sometimes he likes spending more time with him, sometimes he really appreciates that Hokuto is taking time out of his increasingly hectic schedule, but most of the time it just makes him more sullen.
Maybe Hokuto thinks that if he recounts his entire day, it will assure Taiga that he’s not hiding anything while he’s off in meetings and rehearsals with Jesse, that has to be it, because Taiga is sure Hokuto isn’t trying to rub it in that he’s so much busier now he’s one of the front-men of the group. It does feel an awful lot like salt in a wound though, and Hokuto’s expanding workload only makes Taiga feel more worried that Hokuto will take his position for good, it makes him feel more like he’s lacking something somehow, like one day Hokuto is going to outgrow him.
And then it happens. He arrives at the photo-studio to find Shintaro, Juri and Kouchi waiting for him. “Where are the others?” Taiga asks, because Hokuto is never late and Taiga is barely on time today.
His heart drops into his stomach when Shintaro tells him with a smile “It’s just us today. Hokuto and Jesse are doing a separate feature.”
It’s not a huge thing, not really, but it’s the straw that breaks the camels back as they say. He doesn’t know himself how he manages to get through the photo-shoot, how he manages to smile and laugh when inside it feels kind of like he’s been kicked to the curb. There are missed calls from Hokuto when he finishes, a text asking what time he’s finished and if Hokuto should come over. Taiga doesn’t answer it. He doesn’t answer it when his phone rings again, hours later, nor when it rings again a few minutes after that, and when it rings again a few minutes after that he switches it off altogether and climbs into bed, pulling the covers up over his head.
For three days he stays like that, because he has no work, surprise surprise, and he doesn’t want to see Hokuto, he doesn’t want to hear how much work Hokuto has. His mother doesn’t believe he’s ill, not at all, but she must have noticed the lack of Hokuto’s presence recently and maybe she figures that’s the reason for Taiga’s sulking. Taiga sure isn’t going to be the one to tell her any different.
He hopes it will get better when he gets back to work again and the Johnny’s Ginza rehearsals start. At least, he thinks, it will be better getting back to being a group again.
On the train ride there he’s even starting to feel almost hopeful again, like the weight is slowly lifting from his chest. Then he arrives and that weight plummets back down two fold.
“Ginza line-up changes...” Sanada says with a strangely guilty grimace and Taiga quirks his head in confusion until Sanada points at the notice pinned on the board. It’s exactly what he would have expected and everything he’d feared, the Bakaleya shows have been split, Jesse and Hokuto will have their own shows - four of them, and the others will join Noon Boys.
He suddenly feels sick, genuinely, and he doesn’t even bother going to tell the others he’s going home ill, he just turns right around and walks wordlessly back to the station.
He’s still ignoring Hokuto’s calls, but he can’t do much to ignore it when Hokuto shows up on the door step and his mother lets him in. “How are you feeling?” Hokuto says, coming to sit down lightly on the end of Taiga’s bed. “SanaPi said you came in this morning but went home again...”
His light nod doesn’t seem to be enough of an answer for Hokuto who furrows his eyebrows, a small frown creasing his lips. “I thought I was better but the train ride unsettled me again...”
Hokuto’s frown only deepens. “Do you feel any better now? Rehearsals are starting and...”
He doesn’t want to hear, he doesn’t want to be reminded so he shakes his head, clenching his eyes closed. “I’m sorry...I’m not...I just want to try and get some sleep...”
The dismissal must sting a little, he can see the slight hurt in Hokuto’s eyes but he doesn’t argue, he just nods his head and heads back towards the door with a tired “I hope you feel better soon.”
He doesn’t go in to work again the next day but as much as he wants to stay curled up under his sheets, he drags himself in the day after. He’s not stupid, he’s been in Johnny’s long enough to know how things work and taking a load of sick days isn’t the way to go about getting more work. It’s difficult though, sitting through last minute meetings about song choices while Jesse and Hokuto sit at the other end of the table, the whole lot of them dissecting the list of songs that should have been Bakaleya’s.
It’s even more difficult when Jesse and Hokuto are on the other side of the rehearsal room, working out choreography for duet after duet after duet. At least they’re too busy for Hokuto to have much chance to talk to Taiga.
Hokuto still waits for him after rehearsals when they finish at the same time, and they still walk back to the station together but it’s quieter now, uncomfortably quiet. And sometimes Hokuto still takes the train back to Taiga’s house with him, but there they actually have chance to talk and Taiga doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t even want to think about everything that’s swirling around confusingly, unsettlingly in his head. On those occasions, Taiga takes Hokuto straight to his room, kisses him passionately before Hokuto has chance to say a word and tumbles in to bed with him, all urgent lips and quick fingers that peel away their clothes like they’re in a mid-concert costume change.
He knows Hokuto’s body - where and how to touch - knows it well enough that he can have it arching beneath him even if he is distracted, busy building walls to hide his feelings behind, and once he’s inside just the heat and pressure are enough to drive the muddled thoughts from his mind, he can stop thinking and just feel.
Taiga always makes sure he falls asleep as soon as they’re done, or pretends to at least, he doesn’t want to sit through awkward dinners with his parents, trying to pretend everything is OK, he doesn’t want to lay through those post-coital conversations, all quiet and sated and reflective, he just wants to close his eyes and enjoy the post-orgasmic haze that leaves his mind blissfully empty.
It works, it works as well as it can at least, for a couple of weeks, and then even the sex gets complicated.
“Don’t you like bottoming any more?” Hokuto asks one night, before Taiga has chance to pretend to sleep. He wills his body not to tense up, he tries to keep his shoulders relaxed as they shrug. Hokuto rolls over onto his stomach and leans up on his elbows. Taiga hates the way he’s looking directly at him, it makes it that much harder. “We haven’t done it that way in weeks.”
Taiga looks away as he answers “I hadn’t noticed”, he knows it will only make it look like a lie, but it won’t be half as obvious as if he lies right to Hokuto’s face. When he looks back again, Hokuto’s eyebrows are furrowed.
“It always seemed as if you preferred bottoming...you loved my fingers inside you, but lately every time I try you brush my hand away...” He does prefer bottoming, and god does he love Hokuto’s fingers inside him, but that was before, now he’s so full of frustration and confusion that he feels like there’s no room for anything else inside him.
“Sorry...” he says as nonchalantly as he can. “We can do it that way next time if you want to...”
Hokuto’s eyebrows only furrow more. “That wasn’t...” he starts but he trails off and shakes his head in what looks like defeat. “Yeah, OK.” and he leans down to kiss Taiga.
Taiga kisses him back, a few short presses that grow longer, and then Hokuto’s lips part, his tongue swiping along Taiga’s lip with a low hum. Taiga pulls away “I didn’t mean right now...”
Hokuto looks kind of affronted. “I know...I wasn’t trying...I was just kissing you...” Taiga doesn’t say anything, and Hokuto’s eyebrows gradually drop back into that furrow that he wears so often these days. “You never just kiss me any more either...you used to kiss me like my lips were oxygen...” Taiga doesn’t know what to say, but the way Hokuto’s eyes are starting to glisten makes him uncomfortable.
He should apologise, he should say something sweet or comforting but the words just won’t come, instead he tries to make a joke, his voice just not quite light enough “That’s ridiculous, why would somebody kiss oxygen?”
“That’s not the point!” Hokuto snaps, and Taiga is momentarily startled by his anger. The fire in Hokuto’s eyes quickly fizzles though, melting into tears that start dripping down his cheek. “Forget it.” Without another word Hokuto gets up and leaves the room.
Taiga wants to leave too, only it’s his house, he can’t just storm out. Instead he has to sit there, still naked, still confused, still torn.
Hokuto re-enters and starts to dress. “Where are you going?” Taiga asks when Hokuto refuses to look over at him.
Hokuto pauses for a moment, Taiga thinks he can hear a heavy swallow. “I’m going home.” Hokuto tells him, but Taiga sees the way he falters when he finally looks back at Taiga “Unless you can convince me not too.”
Taiga isn’t sure what that is supposed to mean, what it is that Hokuto wants from him. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, so he does what he does every time Hokuto looks like there’s something on his mind. Taiga crosses the room in two quick strides and Hokuto’s face is in his hands, his lips hard and bruising until Hokuto pulls away prematurely. His head shakes softly and he continues dressing.
They don’t say any more about it, and Hokuto keeps coming over after work and Taiga keeps urging him into bed and Taiga still tops and Hokuto doesn’t say anything but Taiga can see that sadness still there. It was worth it, before, because the sex was still incredible, and because it made him forget for a while but now even the sex is torment. He spends most of the time worrying what Hokuto is thinking, sometimes worried if Hokuto will confront him again, sometimes sad because he can tell Hokuto is unhappy, most of the time frustrated or angry because this was the last thing, the one good thing and yet as they lay in bed once they’re done, he knows that neither one of them is satisfied.
It only gets worse when the performances actually start, he’d hoped it would be better once he was standing on stage again but he just can’t shake that feeling of resentment that it’s Noon Boys he’s dancing behind, that he’s even dancing behind at all. Had it really been a whole year since he and Jesse took centre stage in their segment during Jump World?
It gets worse still when another week passes and Jesse and Hokuto have their first headlining show. It makes him feel sick again, thinking of them up there, the spotlight on the two of them alone, the fan-girls screaming their names as they roll their hips the way Taiga saw them doing in rehearsals.
He can’t take it any more. Hokuto is above him. Hokuto is sitting above him, riding him, and Taiga has always loved it like this because Hokuto is so fucking good at it. The rhythm of his hips is somewhere between a thrust and a roll, just perfect. It’s like he’s dancing rather than fucking, performing some sensual, erotic, choreography, as if he’s seducing a crowd rather than Taiga, and suddenly Taiga can’t stand it.
He can’t stand Hokuto’s confidence, his natural, sexy aura, his beauty, it’s everything that makes him a good front man, and Taiga suddenly can’t stand to see him like that, perfect, riding him, looking down, looking down on him.
His hand is in Hokuto’s hair, tugging him down harshly, and he pulls out to flip them over, fury igniting inside him and his hand somehow finds it’s way to Hokuto’s throat, holding him down, pinning Hokuto firmly in place beneath him.
The rage burns out almost instantaneously and Taiga pulls his hand away as Hokuto gasps for breath and for a moment it’s just silent as they look at each other. “This isn’t working, is it?” Hokuto asks him. There are tears in Hokuto’s eyes but Taiga can’t be sure if it’s because he’s upset or because of being half-choked.
Taiga sets his jaw and shakes his head. His face feels too warm and his eyes are kind of stinging too but he doesn’t feel sad, he feels left behind, betrayed. “Get out.”
Hokuto looks a little taken aback by the harsh words but he doesn’t argue, he just climbs out of Taiga’s bed and throws on his clothes haphazardly. “It’s a shame” Is the last thing Hokuto says before he closes the door, the sound of it clicking closed piercingly poignant.
It’s the last thing Hokuto says to Taiga in a long while, and the fact that that’s partly because of their work schedule doesn’t make Taiga feel any better at all. Hokuto and Jesse take their meetings and rehearsals separately to the others because they still have most of their shows left, they’re still getting separate magazine spreads and to top it off they’re busy with rehearsals and filming for their drama. The fact that Taiga has a role in Jesse’s other drama this season is neither here nor there.
Weirdly, the fact that Jesse has two dramas this season is neither here nor there either, and Taiga tries not to think too hard about why that doesn’t bother him, about why he gets along perfectly fine with Jesse on the Kamen Teacher set but that he can barely even stand the sight of Hokuto.
When the next Shounen Club rehearsal comes around, and Jesse and Hokuto have a duet, again, Taiga wants to roll his eyes. He wants to make some snide comment, but the rest of his group - that aren’t even actually a group anyway - don’t seem to share his resentment. It’s not that they haven’t noticed it, Taiga is sure of that, they just don’t seem to be bothered about it like he is.
He doesn’t get it. He wants to shake Shintaro sometimes - because if anyone should have been a fucking centre it’s child actor extraordinaire Morimoto Shintaro - he wants to know how Shintaro can still laugh and goof around like he didn’t just get cast aside too.
It makes him angry, and that makes him even more sullen and then he’s almost glad that he seems to be grouped with them for performances less and less. He’s still with Jesse sometimes, but it’s back to how it was before Bakaleya, when it was him and Jesse and Masuda, and sometimes Yasui and then Hanzawa, and it’s all kinds of better because he doesn’t have to dance in the back with the other Bakaleya rejects any more.
It’s also all kinds of worse, because as the weeks stretch into months, and he gets more and more work away from them, he realises that he actually really fucking misses them, even Hokuto.
Then comes Gamushara’s ‘Sexy Natsu Matsuri’ and Taiga is just as anxious about being placed in a group with Hokuto, Juri and Shintaro as he is excited. It’s not like Bakaleya, because they’re not all there, but it’s the closest to Bakaleya he’s been in months, its the closest he’s been to Hokuto in nearly a year.
It should be strange, and maybe for the first week it is, but then they’re so busy with rehearsals on top of learning Double Dutch that Taiga doesn’t have either the time or the energy to be awkward. Weirdly he doesn’t even care that Hokuto is the leader, if anything Taiga pities him for it, the pressure on him is twice as bad as on the rest of them.
It’s exhausting, but it’s also incredibly fun, and weirdly the fact that Taiga goes home sweaty and worn out only makes him feel more fulfilled than he has in a long time. He feels like he’s achieving something, that they’re achieving something. It doesn’t even matter that it’s not perfect, that they’re all stressed because the performances are drawing closer and closer and they’re still failing some parts.
It doesn’t matter when the performances start and they’re still not perfect, it doesn’t matter at all because Taiga feels like the unity is worth far more than perfection. He wants to say as much to the others but he’s not good at expressing himself, especially not with words, and yet he doesn’t want their bond to just break apart and be forgotten. He doesn’t want that again.
He thinks of buying rings or something, but that just seems too cheesy, and in a way too artificial too. Bracelets is hardly any less cheesy, but somehow it feels a little more appropriate since it’s something he can make himself at least. His mother offers to help, shows him all the pretty designs she could make with just a few strings of thread but Taiga declines. They may not be the prettiest bracelets but that’s not what it’s about, it’s about conveying a message.
The others get it. He senses that as his cheeks flush while handing them out and everyone seems so grateful. And then they make it - the first live perfect run through.
He notices that Hokuto is crying the moment they’re off the stage and something throbs deep in his chest. He feels his eyes filling up too, just for a moment, but he blinks the moisture away and pulls Hokuto into a hug.
Everyone else is laughing, Juri is making comments about how ugly Hokuto looks and Taiga doesn’t let himself think about Bakaleya. He doesn’t let himself remember how Hokuto had held it together for the crank up, but that he’d broken down completely once they were shut safely behind Taiga’s bedroom door. He doesn’t think about how in that moment he’d wanted Hokuto more than he ever had before, and not just in physical way.
He shakes it off, because he doesn’t let himself think about that night, and even if he did it’s not the same anyway. That night Hokuto had been upset about the uncertainty of their future as a group, this is nothing like that at all.
Maybe it’s not so different, or at least linked in some way, Taiga figures, because for the first time in over a year, Hokuto is waiting for him when he’s ready to leave. “Do you want to walk back to the station?” Hokuto asks, looking down at his feet.
Taiga doesn’t really understand it, but things have been alright between them recently, better than they have been in a long time. “Sure...” he answers only a little cautiously, but Hokuto doesn’t make any move to leave until Taiga has walked past him out of the door.
It’s not far to the station, the first few minutes pass in silence and Taiga is just wondering to himself what the hell is going on, if he should say something, when Hokuto finally speaks. “We had really good teamwork tonight...”
It’s not what Taiga was expecting, he was expecting some sort of explanation, and then as Hokuto looks sideways at him, he understands that maybe it is an explanation. “We did...” Taiga agrees, though he’s still not sure how it explains anything.
Hokuto shakes his head and concentrates on the road in front of him again but Taiga doesn’t miss the gentle trickle of moisture down his cheek. “It’s the first time in ages I’ve felt so connected...so unified with a group of people...” his words pause for a moment, and Taiga waits as Hokuto pulls a tissue from his pocket and blows his nose, and then his voice is a little wobbly. “I should be happy right?”
“You aren’t happy?” Happy is such a strong word, Taiga thinks, such a complicated feeling.
“It wasn’t right...you know...like it was the wrong group of people...the wrong time...” Taiga gets it, feels the echo of it inside himself, but he doesn’t know what to say so he just continues walking until he’s vaguely aware that Hokuto isn’t beside him any more. When he turns around, Hokuto is paused a few paces back, his face in his hands and his shoulders shaking.
Taiga lets out a small sigh and walks back to him, his arms wrapping instinctively around Hokuto but it only makes Hokuto sob louder. He has no words of comfort, it’s not like back then, when the movie filming was over and Taiga could say, not completely lacking confidence, that they’d be OK, and that he was sure they’ll still be together.
Taiga lets his chin rest on Hokuto’s shoulder and the hug does feel nice, it’s warm and kind of soothing, and he breathes in the scent of Hokuto’s hair and is strangely comforted that Hokuto is still using the same shampoo. It’s strangely comforting, but it also feels a little like he’s being stabbed in the chest because he’s suddenly painfully aware of how much he misses just holding Hokuto close.
“I’m sorry.” Hokuto says eventually, and he unfolds himself from Taiga’s arms. “Sorry...with the practices and the dance rehearsals on top...I haven’t been sleeping well...I’m a mess...”
“It was a lot of pressure on you” he doesn’t add ‘as the leader’ on there, it feels just a little too complicated. Hokuto just looks at him, his expression much calmer, and he nods. Taiga can sense that Hokuto is about to start walking again, it feels like when he does, the moment they’re in will shatter and though he’s not even sure if it’s what he wants, it feels right to ask. “Do you want to come home with me?”
Hokuto’s eyes widen ever so slightly. He looks up and down Taiga’s face and Taiga can’t tell if he’s considering it, or just trying to discern Taiga’s intentions. Taiga doesn’t even know what his intentions are, he certainly never planned on inviting Hokuto over again, not for sex or anything else, and yet he’s still kind of tingling all over from having Hokuto in his arms.
Eventually, Hokuto’s head shakes slowly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
It doesn’t happen right away, but when it does happen it seems to gain momentum exponentially. It starts as the five of them, only Jesse absent, but slowly he creeps back in too, it’s a one off J’s Party, then it’s a handful of Shokura appearances, and then a few magazines and then suddenly Bakaleya are back.
Or they should be, only Taiga is away a lot because he has Elisabeth now, and as much he’d wanted it, as much as he loves it, he just wants to be there with the rest of them. They seem to want him there too, it’s not like before, when it was fine for a member or two to be away with other work, this time it seems to be as tough on them as it is for him. This time it feels like they’re a real group.
And then they are. He was away at Elisabeth and he didn’t get the full story because five excited voices all shouting different parts of it at once was too confusing but he got that they’re being made official, he got that Johnny was apparently surprised that they weren’t already, and that when he asked their group name and was told they didn’t have one, he’d told them to choose one.
Taiga hates that this is the best thing to happen to them, the biggest thing and that he won’t be there to celebrate with them. He refuses to miss the announcement though. He has to skip a rehearsal for Elisabeth, but he doesn’t even feel the slightest bit of guilt as he stands on stage with the five of them, right where he should be, and the fans scream SixTONES back at them.
It feels like it won’t ever really sink in, like in the back of their minds they’ll always be the Bakaleya boys, but it also feels exciting, because this is their chance to be more than that. They’re not just a group of kids that starred in that drama together one time, they’re a unit now, a Johnny’s Jr group. It’s exciting, but it’s also kind of nerve-wracking, and for Taiga there’s one particular uncertainty playing on his mind.
Most of the songs they’ve been performing are ones they performed back then, before the Bakaleya-break, back when Taiga and Jesse were centre and really why would they change the choreography now when that’s how they always did them. But now they’re getting their own song, their own style, their own dance...and by the time the lyrics sheet is handed out to them, Taiga knows the centres have already been decided.
It doesn’t really matter, he tells himself, because the last two years have made him realise that what he wants is to see the same scenery with them, regardless of which position he’s standing in, but his heart still stops for a moment as they open up the lyrics sheets. He doesn’t look at the lyrics themselves right away, he scans instead down the legend to see who will be singing what. He can’t help his sigh of relief when he surmises that after Jesse, he has the most lines.
That relief is soon shattered though, when they get into the studio with the choreographer. He’s in the centre, sure, right there beside Jesse where he used to be, but he can’t help feeling anxious every time he looks over at Hokuto.
He keeps waiting for it, the resentment in Hokuto’s face, the scowling when he thinks Taiga isn’t looking. He waits for Hokuto to treat him coldly, to push him away, he waits for the hand around his throat. And yet Hokuto is nothing but gracious. Taiga doesn’t feel a single bad vibe directed at him or at anybody else, as far as he can tell, Hokuto just seems happy. Everything is fine.
For weeks everything feels fine. But then little things come to Taiga’s attention, silly little things like how hard it is for Hokuto to say ‘Good Morning’ to him when they’re the first ones to arrive, how when they all hug each other after the show, sometimes Hokuto misses him, how Hokuto rarely comes out to eat with them regardless of who asks, and how somehow he can never bring himself to be the one to ask. They’re just silly little things but they almost break his heart.
He wants things to be OK between them, and they are mostly, but he wants them to be really OK, only he doesn’t know how to make things right again, if he even can.
And then it hits him. He doesn’t know why it’s never occurred to him before, why he never made the connection but it’s only when his mother flicks over the channel and he happens to catch a glimpse of Yamada and Yuto laughing together that it clicks.
He’s not particularly close to either of them these days, but they were once, back when things were starting between the two of them, they were still fairly close when Jump got their début, and things started falling apart. He saw it all from his position on stage behind them.
He’s not close enough to either of them any more to have their contact information, but Juri has been practically stalking Takaki since the Bakaleya days so it’s not too difficult to get Yuto’s number - he decided on Yuto, because even though Yamada is more likely to talk to him and give him advice, model senpai that he is, Yuto is the one that will understand him.
He can’t say it on the phone - when he finally plucks up enough courage to call, because it’s probably actually been years since they even spoke - all he says is that he needs some advice and that he thinks Yuto might be the person that can help. Yuto seems happy enough to be called on and so they arrange to meet at a café for lunch.
Taiga gets there nice and early, making sure to find a table way in the back because this isn’t improving his dancing kind of advice that he needs and he can’t risk them being overheard. He has a clear view of the door though, and he waves over a smiling Yuto when he arrives.
Taiga remembers the short temper behind that idol smile though, and the last thing he wants to do is try Yuto’s patience so he makes sure to just get it out the first chance he gets. “Actually I wanted to talk to you about Yamada-kun.” Taiga blurts out before Yuto’s coat is even off.
Yuto’s expression looks momentarily surprised. “What about Yama-chan?”
“About you and Yamada-kun...” Taiga elaborates.
Yuto still looks confused as he settles into his seat but Taiga just looks at him as meaningfully as he can until Yuto’s features darken in understanding. He can actually see it sinking in, can see the way the muscles in Yuto’s jaw tense and his eyes narrow.
The waitress arrives before Yuto can answer and it says something that Yuto still orders something, but it says even more that he only orders a cup of coffee. Taiga orders coffee too, and then waits patiently until the waitress has left and Yuto has pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one.
“So...” Yuto starts, and he inhales sharply. When he speaks again his tone is unnaturally light and aloof “What about me and Yama-chan?”
He opens his mouth but no words come out because he’s been running it over in his head for days now, how to phrase it without being too personal, without saying those awkward things that he probably shouldn’t really know. He swallows hard as Yuto clucks his tongue quietly in impatience and takes a long drag from his cigarette.
The waitress comes back with their coffee then, and Taiga gets a few more minutes to think fast as she sets out the cups, some milk, sugar, lingers a little to look admiringly at Yuto who flashes her his idol smile and tells her that’s everything, thanks.
“Well, it’s kind of about me and Hokuto...” Taiga says when she’s gone and Yuto’s attention is fixed back on him again. He doesn’t exactly want to go into the details of his and Hokuto’s relationship but it feels far more comfortable than trying to dig into the details of Yuto and Yamada’s. “When we were filming Bakaleya we got really close, it started out just about sex but somewhere along the way I think feelings got involved...it wasn’t love, I don’t think, not like you and...” he trails off, not sure if he’s overstepped the line with the word but Yuto’s expression has lost it’s earlier annoyance.
It’s not quite pity on Yuto’s face either, nor empathy, he looks rather grave. “So what happened?” Yuto prompts him, and he stubs out the end of his cigarette but keeps his eyes fixed on the ashtray. Taiga gets the feeling this is as uncomfortable for Yuto as it is for him and for a moment he almost doesn’t want to continue.
He does though, because he needs to know if he can salvage what he had with Hokuto. “He surpassed me.”
Yuto looks up at that, confused again. “I thought you and Jesse were the centres of your group?”
“Now, yeah...and at first, right after Bakaleya for some reason we were but back then...” he pauses for a moment, thinking about what it even was, why it was such a big deal. “It was little things at first...switching dance positions, him getting the better magazine feature, him and Jesse getting duets...and then somehow the rest of the group seemed to dissolve and it was just them...and I felt like I was nobody...” He looks at Yuto, really looks at him, because this is the important part, the reason why he needed it to be Yuto. “I couldn’t stand it, and I knew it wasn’t his fault but I blamed him anyway, and I pushed him away...for a long time we didn’t even speak to each other and then we finally got an official unit and things are getting better again but it’s not the same...and I just...” He doesn’t even know what exactly it is that he wants, what he wants to hear from Yuto, what words will make him feel better.
“Look, Taiga...I don’t know what answer you’re looking for but...” whatever words he wanted to hear, it wasn’t those ones.
Taiga shakes his head, those weren’t the right words at all, the tone all wrong, the way they trailed off like he was trying to let Taiga down. He shakes his head again. “But things are alright aren’t they? You and Yamada-kun, you made things alright? You worked it out and you’re...are you..?”
“We’re friends.” Yuto says pointedly. “We are, honestly...and sometimes there’s more...but it’s not love, not like love should be...not like what it could have been. That door closed a long time ago.”
“And you can’t open it again?” he doesn’t mean to sound as desperate as he does.
Yuto pulls out another cigarette and Taiga feels bad for the torn expression on his face. “I’m not sure I could even find the door again...” Taiga nods and watches as Yuto lights his cigarette and takes a long drag. “If you can still see that door for you and Hokuto it might not be too late, you might be able to find your way back to what you had...” He pauses and gives Taiga what could almost pass for a well-meaning look. “Just know that re-tracing your steps doesn’t undo them. Everything you’ve said to him...every time you’ve hurt each other...you can’t take any of it back.”
Taiga thinks about Yuto’s words a lot. Thinks about his own, about all the things he said and didn’t say to Hokuto back then, all the ways he hurt Hokuto. It’s strange how clearly he remembers the anger he’d felt, how irrational it seems now, now he feels like an ass-hole. He thinks about the times he saw Hokuto cry, wonders how many times he didn’t see Hokuto crying, how many times he was left feeling sad and lonely while Taiga pretended to sleep beside him.
It makes him realise how lucky is to even have any kind of relationship at all with Hokuto now, he’s grateful Hokuto can even stand to be in a unit with him, with the guy that was so cold and hostile towards him without any reasonable explanation. He’s lucky to have what they have now, he doesn’t deserve more.
And yet he wants it. As they sit in the dressing room before rehearsals, most of them messing around, Hokuto studying, he wants it more than anything else. Hokuto is holding his pen between his lips as he rifles through the pages of his textbook and Taiga is reminded so strongly of those days, of when they started out sharing cigarettes on rooftops.
He hears Jesse say his name, he’s talking about how sullen and moody Taiga used to be and Hokuto’s eyes flash to Taiga. In the instant before Hokuto averts his gaze, Taiga feels something pass between them, he knows they’re both thinking of those days, the ones Taiga misses unbearably.
“I’m going for a cigarette.” Hokuto announces, casting aside both his text book and his pen and Taiga doesn’t miss the way his eyes flick briefly over Taiga as he gets up and heads to the door. “Are you coming?” Hokuto continues, and Taiga’s heart skips a beat until he follows Hokuto’s gaze past him, to where Juri is fishing around in his bag for his lighter because Juri is legal now.
Taiga sits and watches the door long after it closes behind them, watches it for as long as he can stand it, and then he gets up to follow them out without even knowing why. They’re on the rooftop, Hokuto looking out over the railing but Juri is facing the door. When Taiga emerges Juri takes a last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out against the railing and then, clapping Hokuto lightly on the shoulder, he walks back past Taiga without a word.
Hokuto is still looking out over the railing but he must notice Taiga walking towards him from the corner of his eye, he turns, an expression of surprise on his face as he blows out a billow of smoke. He looks a little confused as he holds out his cigarette and Taiga hadn’t meant for that but he takes it all the same. He has a sudden yearning for it, not for the nicotine itself, but for everything else attached to it. He inhales slowly and holds it as he passes the cigarette back to Hokuto, and he lets his eyes slip closed, another place, another time playing out on the backs of his eyelids.
Hokuto breaks him from it, his voice quiet, uncertain. “It feels like we should be wearing school uniforms.”
Taiga tries to laugh but the sound cracks, it feels like the echo of his heart breaking because those days might be the best ones of his life and he misses them so fucking much. He watches Hokuto stub out the spent cigarette, and then shakes his head when Hokuto offers him one from the packet. Hokuto shrugs and puts the packet away but he doesn’t move back towards the door, just turns to face Taiga a little like he knows there’s something Taiga wants to say.
Taiga doesn’t know what he wants to say. It’s been weeks since he spoke to Yuto, weeks of deliberating if he should even say anything at all, if he should just be happy with what they have, or if he should at least apologise anyway, even if it won’t change anything. He hadn’t decided, not even when nostalgia had his feet dragging him out here, but as Hokuto looks at him, he knows he has to say something. He has to explain somehow.
“Back then...” he starts cautiously, and the way Hokuto’s face remains impassive says he knew that’s what it was about. Taiga takes a breath and continues. “I never thought there was anything going on between you and Jesse.” he admits and Hokuto nods like he suspected as much. “That wasn’t the reason I was jealous of your duets...”
"I figured" Hokuto concedes with another nod. "I mean, I figured there was more too it at least."
“I was jealous because you surpassed me...” Hokuto’s eyebrows raise ever so slightly but he doesn’t say anything “They moved you to the centre...and you and Jesse got duets and headlining shows at Ginza and I...” he shakes his head at how pitiful he sounds “I should have been supportive...I should have told you how proud I was of you...Hokuto, I should have been proud of you...but I resented you...”
Hokuto nods, his expression unreadable but when he speaks there’s a thickness to his voice that makes Taiga’s chest ache. “You pushed me away...”
“I should never have done that...I know now how stupid I was...how cruel and hurtful I was to you...I know now that it was only because I was so insecure in myself...because I felt so worthless...but it was easier to blame you, to take it out on you than to...” he trails off as Hokuto’s carefully stoic expression cracks, a few silent tears tumbling down his cheeks as he turns to look out over the railing. “Hokuto, I’m so sorry...”
It takes a moment for Hokuto to gather himself before he speaks. “Why are you telling me all of this now?”
“Because I didn’t back then, and I should have done...” Taiga answers lamely. “I should have talked to you instead of...” he doesn’t even know how to finish that sentence, ‘pushed you away?’, ‘hurt you?’, ‘used you?’, ‘hated you?’ “I’m ashamed.” he says instead. “I’m really, honestly ashamed of the way I treated you, and I know I can’t take any of it back but...”
“But?” Hokuto asks, his voice still thick, tears still weaving silent tracks down his cheeks. When he turns to look at Taiga his eyes are so deep, so desolate and everything within Taiga aches because he knows this is his doing. There’s barely any trace of the self-assured spirit that Hokuto had the first time they kissed on that studio rooftop.
“But I miss you so much...” Taiga says, his own voice cracking towards the end as the aching overwhelms him and then his vision is blurred with tears. His “Hokuto, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” is barely audible over his sobs, and he hides his face in his hands as the tears keep coming.
“Here.” Hokuto says eventually, tapping Taiga’s forearm and when Taiga pulls his hand away, Hokuto is holding out a lit cigarette. He takes it, his fingers shaking as he raises it to his lips. He smokes it slowly, each inhale helping to calm his erratic breathing.
“Thank you.” he says when he’s done but Hokuto doesn’t answer. There are no words, just warm lips pressing against his own. They taste like nicotine and a little like heaven, they taste like hope.
Pairing: Taiga x Hokuto
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Word Count: 9291
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and only the words are mine.
Summary: He wants things to be OK between them, and they are mostly, but he wants them to be really OK, only he doesn’t know how to make things right again, if he even can.
A/N: Happy Birthday to lady-aenea!! This is the fic I meant to write for you last year but couldn't quite manage. It ties into ' It was the best of times...' pretty much throughout so I'd recommend giving that a quick read again to remind yourself. I hope you enjoy this! And I hope you've had an awesome birthday filled with love and cake!
The first time it happens Taiga can kind of understand it, the Bakaleya movie is just coming out and Hokuto and Shintaro are the leads after all, it makes sense they’d be pushed to the front while promotions are going on. He and Jesse don’t even question it as they each take a few steps back from their usual positions. Taiga actually kind of even wonders how it ended up with him and Jesse in the front anyway - not that he was complaining.
It’s like that for a while, and it’s fine, and gradually they start inching their way back forward again and that’s even better. But then it happens again, and Taiga doesn’t understand that one quite as easily because this time it’s just him. “Matsumura-kun, switch positions with Kyomoto-kun” the choreographer calls and Taiga feels the words like a physical blow. Hokuto turns to look at him, his expression a picture of surprise but Taiga just shrugs his shoulders as he fights to keep his expression impassive, and he moves silently along the line, making space in the centre for Hokuto.
He shrugs it off again three run-throughs later when they’re taking a break and Hokuto practically skips over to him. “Weird isn’t it...I wonder why they changed our positions?” Hokuto asks. Taiga shrugs. “Are you OK? You seem even quieter than usual...”
Taiga nods, doesn’t even try for a smile because he knows he couldn’t fake one, not in front of Hokuto, even if he weren’t feeling so mentally desolate. “I just don’t feel so good today...”
Hokuto pouts. “You still want me to come over after work?”
It wasn’t Hokuto’s idea to switch them, he shouldn’t be upset with Hokuto, hell he shouldn’t be upset at all because it’s not like the moves are any different, he’s just doing them in a different place, a little further back. He is upset though, and somehow it matters very little that it wasn’t Hokuto’s idea. “Rain-check?” he asks.
Hokuto’s smile is a little sad but he nods and then he looks around surreptitiously as he takes Taiga’s hand in his and then quickly leans in to press a light kiss against Taiga’s lips. Taiga squeezes his hand in response, melting just a little on the inside, but before he can change his mind and ask Hokuto to come home with him, they’re being called back to their positions and he feels his expression fall back into a frown.
They don’t mention it the next day, all they have are photo-shoots and just because the photographer spends a little more time with Hokuto than he does with Taiga, that doesn’t necessarily mean that Hokuto will get the full page feature instead of him. It seems a little more likely when they pair up for the next section of the shoot though and Taiga is back to back with Kouchi while Hokuto and Jesse pose together.
Taiga swallows it down, glad at least that the tone of the photo-shoot is serious and cool, and he does his job, but his jaw is still lightly clenched when they’re dismissed and he and Kouchi follow the echoes of Hokuto and Jesse’s laughter along the hallway to the dressing room.
He changes in silence, concentrating on dressing and then packing his bag, on pushing aside his irrational anger. He only realises once he’s done that Hokuto is waiting for him. He’s momentarily surprised because he’d heard the others leaving and just assumed Hokuto would have been with them. It makes a kind of sense that Hokuto is waiting though, and that makes Taiga’s chest feel kind of fluttery, because Hokuto always waits for him, even if it’s just to walk back to the station together.
“Do you want me to come over tonight?” Hokuto asks, but it’s not until they’ve reached the station. It’s not the words really, but the tone of Hokuto’s voice that has Taiga nodding. He sounds kind of sad, almost sorry - and Taiga weirdly likes that. They still don’t say anything on the train, Taiga is too tired, too emotionally drained.
“Are you still unwell?” Hokuto asks him once they’re off the train, and no longer surrounded by hundreds of prying eyes and ears, and he reaches up a hand to press his palm to Taiga’s forehead. It’s such a pure gesture that Taiga swallows down his lie that he’s fine, but he’s not about to admit that he’s still upset because Hokuto took his position. Hokuto speaks again before he finds an appropriate response. “Well I guess I’ll have to take care of you tonight...”
Taiga’s parents are out when they arrive, and Taiga is thankful for that because he’s as bad at lying to his mother as he is to Hokuto. He’s also glad because it means Hokuto doesn’t hesitate to drag him straight into the bathroom and strip off his clothes. He feels a little better once he’s under the spray of the shower, the water is warm and soothing and then Hokuto is stepping in behind him, his body so close Taiga can feel the heat of it, and his hands wind into Taiga’s hair, massaging shampoo into his scalp.
They’re on his shoulders next, still foamy, still massaging gently, working out the tension until Taiga feels boneless. But Hokuto’s hands don’t stop, they’re sliding down his sides, over his abdomen and around him, pulling him close as his lips replace them on his shoulders.
He lets out a long breath and Hokuto echoes it with a soft moan, and then he’s pressing closer, pressing hardness into Taiga’s tail-bone and they shudder in unison. Hokuto hums as his lips drag their way along his shoulder to his neck and up, open mouthed kisses that are half drowned by the spray of the shower as his hands sink lower, wrapping around Taiga’s growing erection.
Taiga’s breath hitches, and he feels Hokuto’s cock twitching as he arches his back against the feeling. The feeling that is gone too soon. Hokuto lets go once Taiga is fully hard, but he doesn’t let go of Taigas body with his other hand, that one trails around his mid-section as Hokuto almost slithers around Taiga’s body until they’re pressed together, front to front, erection to erection.
Hokuto moans softly, Taiga’s noise is more a grunt, and he pulls Hokuto closer, fuelled by arousal and sensuality, and everything is just right only not enough too. They kiss, a few deep, hard kisses, but their tongues barely have time to dance before Hokuto is pulling away, falling away. He’s falling to his knees and his eyes are looking up, fierce and lustful, so fucking deep that Taiga almost feels lost.
There’s heat around him, a different kind of moist, perfect, tight, pressure as Hokuto hollows his cheeks and keeps fucking looking, watching Taiga in a way that makes Taiga feel like a star, centre stage for Hokuto’s private show. He moves his hand to Hokuto’s cheek, brushing it softly, a thumb framing Hokuto’s lips for just a second before sliding back, knotting into hair that’s so much longer than it was the first time they tangled into it, back in some TV studio stairwell.
Hokuto’s hands are moving again, caressing his thighs at first but then his right hand is moving with more intent, more purpose, around to the back of his thigh and up. Taiga gasps when a finger feathers over his rim, his legs parting on instinct, begging for more and Hokuto’s finger brushes over it again. His head tilts back, another gasp, this one more desperate as Hokuto’s finger starts to swirl and then it slips inside just as Hokuto’s lips tighten around the head of his cock.
Taiga cries out, the hand in Hokuto’s hair tightening, tugging backwards because it’s all too much, because he’s been so tense, so on edge, every feeling prickling along his skin and this, the yearning hunger in Hokuto’s eyes is too much.
He raises his head again, his eyes locking with Hokuto’s, and then they clench closed as Hokuto’s finger thrusts roughly inside of him, in, out, in, all the way out, and coming back in with two.
Taiga’s fingers tense against Hokuto’s scalp, his eyes opening, half warning half begging and Hokuto looks back like he can’t get enough, but eventually he nods. He’s on his feet in seconds, his fingers disappearing in a sudden rush and then Taiga is being spun quickly, pressed against the glass screen of the shower. And then Hokuto is inside him and Taiga has barely enough consciousness left to chide himself for caring about stupid dance positions, when this is the only position that matters.
He feels stupid and childish, for days following, but then the jealousy starts to creep back in as the week drags into the next, then the next and photo-shoot after photo-shoot finds Hokuto paired with Jesse. And then the schedule for the next episode of Shounen club arrives.
It doesn’t even bother him that part of the first medley features the other five without him because he gets lead vocals in the part after it, and that almost gives him hope, but then he scans down the rest of the song allocations and his heart drops into his stomach. As well as appearing in the first medley, Jesse and Hokuto are getting a duet, an entire one, just them, not even any backing dancers. That says it all really.
He grits his teeth through the rehearsal of his own parts, the few of them that there are, and then he’s dismissed while the rest take a short break ready to continue with their next parts. He picks up his towel and his water and darts out of the door and along to the dressing room for his things.
He’s part way through re-arranging his bag when the door opens behind him and Hokuto steps through. Taiga looks up briefly but Hokuto is the last person he wants to see right now so without a word he turns back to his bag.
Hokuto’s trainers squeak on the floor a little as he crosses the room and Taiga takes a deep breath because he can’t do this, not when he’s still feeling raw from rehearsals, and then he turns as Hokuto’s hand rests lightly on his shoulder.
“Taiga...” Hokuto says, and his voice is almost as grave as his expression. “Can we talk?”
Taiga doesn’t want to talk, he can feel his face heating up but it’s too early to tell if it’s in anger or if he’s about to cry. “I have to get home...” he says instead, tight-lipped, his voice sounding strangely strained.
“You’ve been acting weird...” Hokuto says, ignoring him. “You’ve been like it for weeks...what’s going on?”
“Nothing.” he answers stubbornly, and he turns away as he continues to pack his bag.
Hokuto grabs the towel he’s about to put away with a sharp, imploring “Taiga...” and Taiga has no choice but to turn back to him. He’s still trying to figure out what to say though, how to get out of it when the door behind Hokuto opens and Jesse dashes through the door only to stop short at the tension in the room and back out again slowly.
It irritates Taiga. “You should go” He says bitterly to Hokuto, nodding his head at the door that Jesse is standing awkwardly on the other side of. It really irritates him, and he almost spits. “Jesse is waiting to rehearse your duet again.”
Hokuto’s eyes widen almost comically “Is that what this is about?” he asks with a snort “You’re jealous?” He laughs, his sombreness replaced entirely with amusement, and Taiga decides that it is anger he’s feeling. He can hear the blood pounding in his ears and his hands ball into fists, because how dare Hokuto laugh. “I’m not cheating on you with Jesse!”
The tension is gone just like that though it’s mostly due to surprise. It hadn’t even occurred to him that there might be something going on between them, not once. “What?” He asks bewildered, as Hokuto’s laughter fades gently, leaving behind it an endeared expression.
“Taiga...” Hokuto says softly, and he glances briefly at the door before taking Taiga’s hands and squeezing them lightly. “Taiga, it’s sweet that you’re worried but I promise there’s nothing going on between us, OK?”
Taiga thinks his mouth is probably still hanging open in surprise, but Hokuto looks so relieved, so appreciative, that he can’t tell Hokuto that wasn’t the reason for his foul mood - wouldn’t anyway because he doesn’t exactly want to admit the real reason for his foul mood. He nods his head slowly and gives Hokuto’s hands a little squeeze in return. “Yeah, OK.” he concedes and Hokuto’s face all but lights up again.
“I have to get back, I’ll come over tonight though, yeah?” He says, half sorry and half hopeful and the way he fidgets his feet a little tells Taiga that’s he’s trying very hard to restrain himself from kissing Taiga.
He can’t help smiling a little in return as he nods, and then Hokuto looks around again before giving in and leaning in to press a firm kiss against Taiga’s lips.
Hokuto seems to have taken Taiga’s apparent concern over him and Jesse to heart, because as the days pass, he makes a redoubled effort to spend every minute he’s not busy steaming ahead in his career, with Taiga. It should make Taiga happy, and sometimes it does, sometimes he likes spending more time with him, sometimes he really appreciates that Hokuto is taking time out of his increasingly hectic schedule, but most of the time it just makes him more sullen.
Maybe Hokuto thinks that if he recounts his entire day, it will assure Taiga that he’s not hiding anything while he’s off in meetings and rehearsals with Jesse, that has to be it, because Taiga is sure Hokuto isn’t trying to rub it in that he’s so much busier now he’s one of the front-men of the group. It does feel an awful lot like salt in a wound though, and Hokuto’s expanding workload only makes Taiga feel more worried that Hokuto will take his position for good, it makes him feel more like he’s lacking something somehow, like one day Hokuto is going to outgrow him.
And then it happens. He arrives at the photo-studio to find Shintaro, Juri and Kouchi waiting for him. “Where are the others?” Taiga asks, because Hokuto is never late and Taiga is barely on time today.
His heart drops into his stomach when Shintaro tells him with a smile “It’s just us today. Hokuto and Jesse are doing a separate feature.”
It’s not a huge thing, not really, but it’s the straw that breaks the camels back as they say. He doesn’t know himself how he manages to get through the photo-shoot, how he manages to smile and laugh when inside it feels kind of like he’s been kicked to the curb. There are missed calls from Hokuto when he finishes, a text asking what time he’s finished and if Hokuto should come over. Taiga doesn’t answer it. He doesn’t answer it when his phone rings again, hours later, nor when it rings again a few minutes after that, and when it rings again a few minutes after that he switches it off altogether and climbs into bed, pulling the covers up over his head.
For three days he stays like that, because he has no work, surprise surprise, and he doesn’t want to see Hokuto, he doesn’t want to hear how much work Hokuto has. His mother doesn’t believe he’s ill, not at all, but she must have noticed the lack of Hokuto’s presence recently and maybe she figures that’s the reason for Taiga’s sulking. Taiga sure isn’t going to be the one to tell her any different.
He hopes it will get better when he gets back to work again and the Johnny’s Ginza rehearsals start. At least, he thinks, it will be better getting back to being a group again.
On the train ride there he’s even starting to feel almost hopeful again, like the weight is slowly lifting from his chest. Then he arrives and that weight plummets back down two fold.
“Ginza line-up changes...” Sanada says with a strangely guilty grimace and Taiga quirks his head in confusion until Sanada points at the notice pinned on the board. It’s exactly what he would have expected and everything he’d feared, the Bakaleya shows have been split, Jesse and Hokuto will have their own shows - four of them, and the others will join Noon Boys.
He suddenly feels sick, genuinely, and he doesn’t even bother going to tell the others he’s going home ill, he just turns right around and walks wordlessly back to the station.
He’s still ignoring Hokuto’s calls, but he can’t do much to ignore it when Hokuto shows up on the door step and his mother lets him in. “How are you feeling?” Hokuto says, coming to sit down lightly on the end of Taiga’s bed. “SanaPi said you came in this morning but went home again...”
His light nod doesn’t seem to be enough of an answer for Hokuto who furrows his eyebrows, a small frown creasing his lips. “I thought I was better but the train ride unsettled me again...”
Hokuto’s frown only deepens. “Do you feel any better now? Rehearsals are starting and...”
He doesn’t want to hear, he doesn’t want to be reminded so he shakes his head, clenching his eyes closed. “I’m sorry...I’m not...I just want to try and get some sleep...”
The dismissal must sting a little, he can see the slight hurt in Hokuto’s eyes but he doesn’t argue, he just nods his head and heads back towards the door with a tired “I hope you feel better soon.”
He doesn’t go in to work again the next day but as much as he wants to stay curled up under his sheets, he drags himself in the day after. He’s not stupid, he’s been in Johnny’s long enough to know how things work and taking a load of sick days isn’t the way to go about getting more work. It’s difficult though, sitting through last minute meetings about song choices while Jesse and Hokuto sit at the other end of the table, the whole lot of them dissecting the list of songs that should have been Bakaleya’s.
It’s even more difficult when Jesse and Hokuto are on the other side of the rehearsal room, working out choreography for duet after duet after duet. At least they’re too busy for Hokuto to have much chance to talk to Taiga.
Hokuto still waits for him after rehearsals when they finish at the same time, and they still walk back to the station together but it’s quieter now, uncomfortably quiet. And sometimes Hokuto still takes the train back to Taiga’s house with him, but there they actually have chance to talk and Taiga doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t even want to think about everything that’s swirling around confusingly, unsettlingly in his head. On those occasions, Taiga takes Hokuto straight to his room, kisses him passionately before Hokuto has chance to say a word and tumbles in to bed with him, all urgent lips and quick fingers that peel away their clothes like they’re in a mid-concert costume change.
He knows Hokuto’s body - where and how to touch - knows it well enough that he can have it arching beneath him even if he is distracted, busy building walls to hide his feelings behind, and once he’s inside just the heat and pressure are enough to drive the muddled thoughts from his mind, he can stop thinking and just feel.
Taiga always makes sure he falls asleep as soon as they’re done, or pretends to at least, he doesn’t want to sit through awkward dinners with his parents, trying to pretend everything is OK, he doesn’t want to lay through those post-coital conversations, all quiet and sated and reflective, he just wants to close his eyes and enjoy the post-orgasmic haze that leaves his mind blissfully empty.
It works, it works as well as it can at least, for a couple of weeks, and then even the sex gets complicated.
“Don’t you like bottoming any more?” Hokuto asks one night, before Taiga has chance to pretend to sleep. He wills his body not to tense up, he tries to keep his shoulders relaxed as they shrug. Hokuto rolls over onto his stomach and leans up on his elbows. Taiga hates the way he’s looking directly at him, it makes it that much harder. “We haven’t done it that way in weeks.”
Taiga looks away as he answers “I hadn’t noticed”, he knows it will only make it look like a lie, but it won’t be half as obvious as if he lies right to Hokuto’s face. When he looks back again, Hokuto’s eyebrows are furrowed.
“It always seemed as if you preferred bottoming...you loved my fingers inside you, but lately every time I try you brush my hand away...” He does prefer bottoming, and god does he love Hokuto’s fingers inside him, but that was before, now he’s so full of frustration and confusion that he feels like there’s no room for anything else inside him.
“Sorry...” he says as nonchalantly as he can. “We can do it that way next time if you want to...”
Hokuto’s eyebrows only furrow more. “That wasn’t...” he starts but he trails off and shakes his head in what looks like defeat. “Yeah, OK.” and he leans down to kiss Taiga.
Taiga kisses him back, a few short presses that grow longer, and then Hokuto’s lips part, his tongue swiping along Taiga’s lip with a low hum. Taiga pulls away “I didn’t mean right now...”
Hokuto looks kind of affronted. “I know...I wasn’t trying...I was just kissing you...” Taiga doesn’t say anything, and Hokuto’s eyebrows gradually drop back into that furrow that he wears so often these days. “You never just kiss me any more either...you used to kiss me like my lips were oxygen...” Taiga doesn’t know what to say, but the way Hokuto’s eyes are starting to glisten makes him uncomfortable.
He should apologise, he should say something sweet or comforting but the words just won’t come, instead he tries to make a joke, his voice just not quite light enough “That’s ridiculous, why would somebody kiss oxygen?”
“That’s not the point!” Hokuto snaps, and Taiga is momentarily startled by his anger. The fire in Hokuto’s eyes quickly fizzles though, melting into tears that start dripping down his cheek. “Forget it.” Without another word Hokuto gets up and leaves the room.
Taiga wants to leave too, only it’s his house, he can’t just storm out. Instead he has to sit there, still naked, still confused, still torn.
Hokuto re-enters and starts to dress. “Where are you going?” Taiga asks when Hokuto refuses to look over at him.
Hokuto pauses for a moment, Taiga thinks he can hear a heavy swallow. “I’m going home.” Hokuto tells him, but Taiga sees the way he falters when he finally looks back at Taiga “Unless you can convince me not too.”
Taiga isn’t sure what that is supposed to mean, what it is that Hokuto wants from him. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, so he does what he does every time Hokuto looks like there’s something on his mind. Taiga crosses the room in two quick strides and Hokuto’s face is in his hands, his lips hard and bruising until Hokuto pulls away prematurely. His head shakes softly and he continues dressing.
They don’t say any more about it, and Hokuto keeps coming over after work and Taiga keeps urging him into bed and Taiga still tops and Hokuto doesn’t say anything but Taiga can see that sadness still there. It was worth it, before, because the sex was still incredible, and because it made him forget for a while but now even the sex is torment. He spends most of the time worrying what Hokuto is thinking, sometimes worried if Hokuto will confront him again, sometimes sad because he can tell Hokuto is unhappy, most of the time frustrated or angry because this was the last thing, the one good thing and yet as they lay in bed once they’re done, he knows that neither one of them is satisfied.
It only gets worse when the performances actually start, he’d hoped it would be better once he was standing on stage again but he just can’t shake that feeling of resentment that it’s Noon Boys he’s dancing behind, that he’s even dancing behind at all. Had it really been a whole year since he and Jesse took centre stage in their segment during Jump World?
It gets worse still when another week passes and Jesse and Hokuto have their first headlining show. It makes him feel sick again, thinking of them up there, the spotlight on the two of them alone, the fan-girls screaming their names as they roll their hips the way Taiga saw them doing in rehearsals.
He can’t take it any more. Hokuto is above him. Hokuto is sitting above him, riding him, and Taiga has always loved it like this because Hokuto is so fucking good at it. The rhythm of his hips is somewhere between a thrust and a roll, just perfect. It’s like he’s dancing rather than fucking, performing some sensual, erotic, choreography, as if he’s seducing a crowd rather than Taiga, and suddenly Taiga can’t stand it.
He can’t stand Hokuto’s confidence, his natural, sexy aura, his beauty, it’s everything that makes him a good front man, and Taiga suddenly can’t stand to see him like that, perfect, riding him, looking down, looking down on him.
His hand is in Hokuto’s hair, tugging him down harshly, and he pulls out to flip them over, fury igniting inside him and his hand somehow finds it’s way to Hokuto’s throat, holding him down, pinning Hokuto firmly in place beneath him.
The rage burns out almost instantaneously and Taiga pulls his hand away as Hokuto gasps for breath and for a moment it’s just silent as they look at each other. “This isn’t working, is it?” Hokuto asks him. There are tears in Hokuto’s eyes but Taiga can’t be sure if it’s because he’s upset or because of being half-choked.
Taiga sets his jaw and shakes his head. His face feels too warm and his eyes are kind of stinging too but he doesn’t feel sad, he feels left behind, betrayed. “Get out.”
Hokuto looks a little taken aback by the harsh words but he doesn’t argue, he just climbs out of Taiga’s bed and throws on his clothes haphazardly. “It’s a shame” Is the last thing Hokuto says before he closes the door, the sound of it clicking closed piercingly poignant.
It’s the last thing Hokuto says to Taiga in a long while, and the fact that that’s partly because of their work schedule doesn’t make Taiga feel any better at all. Hokuto and Jesse take their meetings and rehearsals separately to the others because they still have most of their shows left, they’re still getting separate magazine spreads and to top it off they’re busy with rehearsals and filming for their drama. The fact that Taiga has a role in Jesse’s other drama this season is neither here nor there.
Weirdly, the fact that Jesse has two dramas this season is neither here nor there either, and Taiga tries not to think too hard about why that doesn’t bother him, about why he gets along perfectly fine with Jesse on the Kamen Teacher set but that he can barely even stand the sight of Hokuto.
When the next Shounen Club rehearsal comes around, and Jesse and Hokuto have a duet, again, Taiga wants to roll his eyes. He wants to make some snide comment, but the rest of his group - that aren’t even actually a group anyway - don’t seem to share his resentment. It’s not that they haven’t noticed it, Taiga is sure of that, they just don’t seem to be bothered about it like he is.
He doesn’t get it. He wants to shake Shintaro sometimes - because if anyone should have been a fucking centre it’s child actor extraordinaire Morimoto Shintaro - he wants to know how Shintaro can still laugh and goof around like he didn’t just get cast aside too.
It makes him angry, and that makes him even more sullen and then he’s almost glad that he seems to be grouped with them for performances less and less. He’s still with Jesse sometimes, but it’s back to how it was before Bakaleya, when it was him and Jesse and Masuda, and sometimes Yasui and then Hanzawa, and it’s all kinds of better because he doesn’t have to dance in the back with the other Bakaleya rejects any more.
It’s also all kinds of worse, because as the weeks stretch into months, and he gets more and more work away from them, he realises that he actually really fucking misses them, even Hokuto.
Then comes Gamushara’s ‘Sexy Natsu Matsuri’ and Taiga is just as anxious about being placed in a group with Hokuto, Juri and Shintaro as he is excited. It’s not like Bakaleya, because they’re not all there, but it’s the closest to Bakaleya he’s been in months, its the closest he’s been to Hokuto in nearly a year.
It should be strange, and maybe for the first week it is, but then they’re so busy with rehearsals on top of learning Double Dutch that Taiga doesn’t have either the time or the energy to be awkward. Weirdly he doesn’t even care that Hokuto is the leader, if anything Taiga pities him for it, the pressure on him is twice as bad as on the rest of them.
It’s exhausting, but it’s also incredibly fun, and weirdly the fact that Taiga goes home sweaty and worn out only makes him feel more fulfilled than he has in a long time. He feels like he’s achieving something, that they’re achieving something. It doesn’t even matter that it’s not perfect, that they’re all stressed because the performances are drawing closer and closer and they’re still failing some parts.
It doesn’t matter when the performances start and they’re still not perfect, it doesn’t matter at all because Taiga feels like the unity is worth far more than perfection. He wants to say as much to the others but he’s not good at expressing himself, especially not with words, and yet he doesn’t want their bond to just break apart and be forgotten. He doesn’t want that again.
He thinks of buying rings or something, but that just seems too cheesy, and in a way too artificial too. Bracelets is hardly any less cheesy, but somehow it feels a little more appropriate since it’s something he can make himself at least. His mother offers to help, shows him all the pretty designs she could make with just a few strings of thread but Taiga declines. They may not be the prettiest bracelets but that’s not what it’s about, it’s about conveying a message.
The others get it. He senses that as his cheeks flush while handing them out and everyone seems so grateful. And then they make it - the first live perfect run through.
He notices that Hokuto is crying the moment they’re off the stage and something throbs deep in his chest. He feels his eyes filling up too, just for a moment, but he blinks the moisture away and pulls Hokuto into a hug.
Everyone else is laughing, Juri is making comments about how ugly Hokuto looks and Taiga doesn’t let himself think about Bakaleya. He doesn’t let himself remember how Hokuto had held it together for the crank up, but that he’d broken down completely once they were shut safely behind Taiga’s bedroom door. He doesn’t think about how in that moment he’d wanted Hokuto more than he ever had before, and not just in physical way.
He shakes it off, because he doesn’t let himself think about that night, and even if he did it’s not the same anyway. That night Hokuto had been upset about the uncertainty of their future as a group, this is nothing like that at all.
Maybe it’s not so different, or at least linked in some way, Taiga figures, because for the first time in over a year, Hokuto is waiting for him when he’s ready to leave. “Do you want to walk back to the station?” Hokuto asks, looking down at his feet.
Taiga doesn’t really understand it, but things have been alright between them recently, better than they have been in a long time. “Sure...” he answers only a little cautiously, but Hokuto doesn’t make any move to leave until Taiga has walked past him out of the door.
It’s not far to the station, the first few minutes pass in silence and Taiga is just wondering to himself what the hell is going on, if he should say something, when Hokuto finally speaks. “We had really good teamwork tonight...”
It’s not what Taiga was expecting, he was expecting some sort of explanation, and then as Hokuto looks sideways at him, he understands that maybe it is an explanation. “We did...” Taiga agrees, though he’s still not sure how it explains anything.
Hokuto shakes his head and concentrates on the road in front of him again but Taiga doesn’t miss the gentle trickle of moisture down his cheek. “It’s the first time in ages I’ve felt so connected...so unified with a group of people...” his words pause for a moment, and Taiga waits as Hokuto pulls a tissue from his pocket and blows his nose, and then his voice is a little wobbly. “I should be happy right?”
“You aren’t happy?” Happy is such a strong word, Taiga thinks, such a complicated feeling.
“It wasn’t right...you know...like it was the wrong group of people...the wrong time...” Taiga gets it, feels the echo of it inside himself, but he doesn’t know what to say so he just continues walking until he’s vaguely aware that Hokuto isn’t beside him any more. When he turns around, Hokuto is paused a few paces back, his face in his hands and his shoulders shaking.
Taiga lets out a small sigh and walks back to him, his arms wrapping instinctively around Hokuto but it only makes Hokuto sob louder. He has no words of comfort, it’s not like back then, when the movie filming was over and Taiga could say, not completely lacking confidence, that they’d be OK, and that he was sure they’ll still be together.
Taiga lets his chin rest on Hokuto’s shoulder and the hug does feel nice, it’s warm and kind of soothing, and he breathes in the scent of Hokuto’s hair and is strangely comforted that Hokuto is still using the same shampoo. It’s strangely comforting, but it also feels a little like he’s being stabbed in the chest because he’s suddenly painfully aware of how much he misses just holding Hokuto close.
“I’m sorry.” Hokuto says eventually, and he unfolds himself from Taiga’s arms. “Sorry...with the practices and the dance rehearsals on top...I haven’t been sleeping well...I’m a mess...”
“It was a lot of pressure on you” he doesn’t add ‘as the leader’ on there, it feels just a little too complicated. Hokuto just looks at him, his expression much calmer, and he nods. Taiga can sense that Hokuto is about to start walking again, it feels like when he does, the moment they’re in will shatter and though he’s not even sure if it’s what he wants, it feels right to ask. “Do you want to come home with me?”
Hokuto’s eyes widen ever so slightly. He looks up and down Taiga’s face and Taiga can’t tell if he’s considering it, or just trying to discern Taiga’s intentions. Taiga doesn’t even know what his intentions are, he certainly never planned on inviting Hokuto over again, not for sex or anything else, and yet he’s still kind of tingling all over from having Hokuto in his arms.
Eventually, Hokuto’s head shakes slowly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
It doesn’t happen right away, but when it does happen it seems to gain momentum exponentially. It starts as the five of them, only Jesse absent, but slowly he creeps back in too, it’s a one off J’s Party, then it’s a handful of Shokura appearances, and then a few magazines and then suddenly Bakaleya are back.
Or they should be, only Taiga is away a lot because he has Elisabeth now, and as much he’d wanted it, as much as he loves it, he just wants to be there with the rest of them. They seem to want him there too, it’s not like before, when it was fine for a member or two to be away with other work, this time it seems to be as tough on them as it is for him. This time it feels like they’re a real group.
And then they are. He was away at Elisabeth and he didn’t get the full story because five excited voices all shouting different parts of it at once was too confusing but he got that they’re being made official, he got that Johnny was apparently surprised that they weren’t already, and that when he asked their group name and was told they didn’t have one, he’d told them to choose one.
Taiga hates that this is the best thing to happen to them, the biggest thing and that he won’t be there to celebrate with them. He refuses to miss the announcement though. He has to skip a rehearsal for Elisabeth, but he doesn’t even feel the slightest bit of guilt as he stands on stage with the five of them, right where he should be, and the fans scream SixTONES back at them.
It feels like it won’t ever really sink in, like in the back of their minds they’ll always be the Bakaleya boys, but it also feels exciting, because this is their chance to be more than that. They’re not just a group of kids that starred in that drama together one time, they’re a unit now, a Johnny’s Jr group. It’s exciting, but it’s also kind of nerve-wracking, and for Taiga there’s one particular uncertainty playing on his mind.
Most of the songs they’ve been performing are ones they performed back then, before the Bakaleya-break, back when Taiga and Jesse were centre and really why would they change the choreography now when that’s how they always did them. But now they’re getting their own song, their own style, their own dance...and by the time the lyrics sheet is handed out to them, Taiga knows the centres have already been decided.
It doesn’t really matter, he tells himself, because the last two years have made him realise that what he wants is to see the same scenery with them, regardless of which position he’s standing in, but his heart still stops for a moment as they open up the lyrics sheets. He doesn’t look at the lyrics themselves right away, he scans instead down the legend to see who will be singing what. He can’t help his sigh of relief when he surmises that after Jesse, he has the most lines.
That relief is soon shattered though, when they get into the studio with the choreographer. He’s in the centre, sure, right there beside Jesse where he used to be, but he can’t help feeling anxious every time he looks over at Hokuto.
He keeps waiting for it, the resentment in Hokuto’s face, the scowling when he thinks Taiga isn’t looking. He waits for Hokuto to treat him coldly, to push him away, he waits for the hand around his throat. And yet Hokuto is nothing but gracious. Taiga doesn’t feel a single bad vibe directed at him or at anybody else, as far as he can tell, Hokuto just seems happy. Everything is fine.
For weeks everything feels fine. But then little things come to Taiga’s attention, silly little things like how hard it is for Hokuto to say ‘Good Morning’ to him when they’re the first ones to arrive, how when they all hug each other after the show, sometimes Hokuto misses him, how Hokuto rarely comes out to eat with them regardless of who asks, and how somehow he can never bring himself to be the one to ask. They’re just silly little things but they almost break his heart.
He wants things to be OK between them, and they are mostly, but he wants them to be really OK, only he doesn’t know how to make things right again, if he even can.
And then it hits him. He doesn’t know why it’s never occurred to him before, why he never made the connection but it’s only when his mother flicks over the channel and he happens to catch a glimpse of Yamada and Yuto laughing together that it clicks.
He’s not particularly close to either of them these days, but they were once, back when things were starting between the two of them, they were still fairly close when Jump got their début, and things started falling apart. He saw it all from his position on stage behind them.
He’s not close enough to either of them any more to have their contact information, but Juri has been practically stalking Takaki since the Bakaleya days so it’s not too difficult to get Yuto’s number - he decided on Yuto, because even though Yamada is more likely to talk to him and give him advice, model senpai that he is, Yuto is the one that will understand him.
He can’t say it on the phone - when he finally plucks up enough courage to call, because it’s probably actually been years since they even spoke - all he says is that he needs some advice and that he thinks Yuto might be the person that can help. Yuto seems happy enough to be called on and so they arrange to meet at a café for lunch.
Taiga gets there nice and early, making sure to find a table way in the back because this isn’t improving his dancing kind of advice that he needs and he can’t risk them being overheard. He has a clear view of the door though, and he waves over a smiling Yuto when he arrives.
Taiga remembers the short temper behind that idol smile though, and the last thing he wants to do is try Yuto’s patience so he makes sure to just get it out the first chance he gets. “Actually I wanted to talk to you about Yamada-kun.” Taiga blurts out before Yuto’s coat is even off.
Yuto’s expression looks momentarily surprised. “What about Yama-chan?”
“About you and Yamada-kun...” Taiga elaborates.
Yuto still looks confused as he settles into his seat but Taiga just looks at him as meaningfully as he can until Yuto’s features darken in understanding. He can actually see it sinking in, can see the way the muscles in Yuto’s jaw tense and his eyes narrow.
The waitress arrives before Yuto can answer and it says something that Yuto still orders something, but it says even more that he only orders a cup of coffee. Taiga orders coffee too, and then waits patiently until the waitress has left and Yuto has pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one.
“So...” Yuto starts, and he inhales sharply. When he speaks again his tone is unnaturally light and aloof “What about me and Yama-chan?”
He opens his mouth but no words come out because he’s been running it over in his head for days now, how to phrase it without being too personal, without saying those awkward things that he probably shouldn’t really know. He swallows hard as Yuto clucks his tongue quietly in impatience and takes a long drag from his cigarette.
The waitress comes back with their coffee then, and Taiga gets a few more minutes to think fast as she sets out the cups, some milk, sugar, lingers a little to look admiringly at Yuto who flashes her his idol smile and tells her that’s everything, thanks.
“Well, it’s kind of about me and Hokuto...” Taiga says when she’s gone and Yuto’s attention is fixed back on him again. He doesn’t exactly want to go into the details of his and Hokuto’s relationship but it feels far more comfortable than trying to dig into the details of Yuto and Yamada’s. “When we were filming Bakaleya we got really close, it started out just about sex but somewhere along the way I think feelings got involved...it wasn’t love, I don’t think, not like you and...” he trails off, not sure if he’s overstepped the line with the word but Yuto’s expression has lost it’s earlier annoyance.
It’s not quite pity on Yuto’s face either, nor empathy, he looks rather grave. “So what happened?” Yuto prompts him, and he stubs out the end of his cigarette but keeps his eyes fixed on the ashtray. Taiga gets the feeling this is as uncomfortable for Yuto as it is for him and for a moment he almost doesn’t want to continue.
He does though, because he needs to know if he can salvage what he had with Hokuto. “He surpassed me.”
Yuto looks up at that, confused again. “I thought you and Jesse were the centres of your group?”
“Now, yeah...and at first, right after Bakaleya for some reason we were but back then...” he pauses for a moment, thinking about what it even was, why it was such a big deal. “It was little things at first...switching dance positions, him getting the better magazine feature, him and Jesse getting duets...and then somehow the rest of the group seemed to dissolve and it was just them...and I felt like I was nobody...” He looks at Yuto, really looks at him, because this is the important part, the reason why he needed it to be Yuto. “I couldn’t stand it, and I knew it wasn’t his fault but I blamed him anyway, and I pushed him away...for a long time we didn’t even speak to each other and then we finally got an official unit and things are getting better again but it’s not the same...and I just...” He doesn’t even know what exactly it is that he wants, what he wants to hear from Yuto, what words will make him feel better.
“Look, Taiga...I don’t know what answer you’re looking for but...” whatever words he wanted to hear, it wasn’t those ones.
Taiga shakes his head, those weren’t the right words at all, the tone all wrong, the way they trailed off like he was trying to let Taiga down. He shakes his head again. “But things are alright aren’t they? You and Yamada-kun, you made things alright? You worked it out and you’re...are you..?”
“We’re friends.” Yuto says pointedly. “We are, honestly...and sometimes there’s more...but it’s not love, not like love should be...not like what it could have been. That door closed a long time ago.”
“And you can’t open it again?” he doesn’t mean to sound as desperate as he does.
Yuto pulls out another cigarette and Taiga feels bad for the torn expression on his face. “I’m not sure I could even find the door again...” Taiga nods and watches as Yuto lights his cigarette and takes a long drag. “If you can still see that door for you and Hokuto it might not be too late, you might be able to find your way back to what you had...” He pauses and gives Taiga what could almost pass for a well-meaning look. “Just know that re-tracing your steps doesn’t undo them. Everything you’ve said to him...every time you’ve hurt each other...you can’t take any of it back.”
Taiga thinks about Yuto’s words a lot. Thinks about his own, about all the things he said and didn’t say to Hokuto back then, all the ways he hurt Hokuto. It’s strange how clearly he remembers the anger he’d felt, how irrational it seems now, now he feels like an ass-hole. He thinks about the times he saw Hokuto cry, wonders how many times he didn’t see Hokuto crying, how many times he was left feeling sad and lonely while Taiga pretended to sleep beside him.
It makes him realise how lucky is to even have any kind of relationship at all with Hokuto now, he’s grateful Hokuto can even stand to be in a unit with him, with the guy that was so cold and hostile towards him without any reasonable explanation. He’s lucky to have what they have now, he doesn’t deserve more.
And yet he wants it. As they sit in the dressing room before rehearsals, most of them messing around, Hokuto studying, he wants it more than anything else. Hokuto is holding his pen between his lips as he rifles through the pages of his textbook and Taiga is reminded so strongly of those days, of when they started out sharing cigarettes on rooftops.
He hears Jesse say his name, he’s talking about how sullen and moody Taiga used to be and Hokuto’s eyes flash to Taiga. In the instant before Hokuto averts his gaze, Taiga feels something pass between them, he knows they’re both thinking of those days, the ones Taiga misses unbearably.
“I’m going for a cigarette.” Hokuto announces, casting aside both his text book and his pen and Taiga doesn’t miss the way his eyes flick briefly over Taiga as he gets up and heads to the door. “Are you coming?” Hokuto continues, and Taiga’s heart skips a beat until he follows Hokuto’s gaze past him, to where Juri is fishing around in his bag for his lighter because Juri is legal now.
Taiga sits and watches the door long after it closes behind them, watches it for as long as he can stand it, and then he gets up to follow them out without even knowing why. They’re on the rooftop, Hokuto looking out over the railing but Juri is facing the door. When Taiga emerges Juri takes a last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out against the railing and then, clapping Hokuto lightly on the shoulder, he walks back past Taiga without a word.
Hokuto is still looking out over the railing but he must notice Taiga walking towards him from the corner of his eye, he turns, an expression of surprise on his face as he blows out a billow of smoke. He looks a little confused as he holds out his cigarette and Taiga hadn’t meant for that but he takes it all the same. He has a sudden yearning for it, not for the nicotine itself, but for everything else attached to it. He inhales slowly and holds it as he passes the cigarette back to Hokuto, and he lets his eyes slip closed, another place, another time playing out on the backs of his eyelids.
Hokuto breaks him from it, his voice quiet, uncertain. “It feels like we should be wearing school uniforms.”
Taiga tries to laugh but the sound cracks, it feels like the echo of his heart breaking because those days might be the best ones of his life and he misses them so fucking much. He watches Hokuto stub out the spent cigarette, and then shakes his head when Hokuto offers him one from the packet. Hokuto shrugs and puts the packet away but he doesn’t move back towards the door, just turns to face Taiga a little like he knows there’s something Taiga wants to say.
Taiga doesn’t know what he wants to say. It’s been weeks since he spoke to Yuto, weeks of deliberating if he should even say anything at all, if he should just be happy with what they have, or if he should at least apologise anyway, even if it won’t change anything. He hadn’t decided, not even when nostalgia had his feet dragging him out here, but as Hokuto looks at him, he knows he has to say something. He has to explain somehow.
“Back then...” he starts cautiously, and the way Hokuto’s face remains impassive says he knew that’s what it was about. Taiga takes a breath and continues. “I never thought there was anything going on between you and Jesse.” he admits and Hokuto nods like he suspected as much. “That wasn’t the reason I was jealous of your duets...”
"I figured" Hokuto concedes with another nod. "I mean, I figured there was more too it at least."
“I was jealous because you surpassed me...” Hokuto’s eyebrows raise ever so slightly but he doesn’t say anything “They moved you to the centre...and you and Jesse got duets and headlining shows at Ginza and I...” he shakes his head at how pitiful he sounds “I should have been supportive...I should have told you how proud I was of you...Hokuto, I should have been proud of you...but I resented you...”
Hokuto nods, his expression unreadable but when he speaks there’s a thickness to his voice that makes Taiga’s chest ache. “You pushed me away...”
“I should never have done that...I know now how stupid I was...how cruel and hurtful I was to you...I know now that it was only because I was so insecure in myself...because I felt so worthless...but it was easier to blame you, to take it out on you than to...” he trails off as Hokuto’s carefully stoic expression cracks, a few silent tears tumbling down his cheeks as he turns to look out over the railing. “Hokuto, I’m so sorry...”
It takes a moment for Hokuto to gather himself before he speaks. “Why are you telling me all of this now?”
“Because I didn’t back then, and I should have done...” Taiga answers lamely. “I should have talked to you instead of...” he doesn’t even know how to finish that sentence, ‘pushed you away?’, ‘hurt you?’, ‘used you?’, ‘hated you?’ “I’m ashamed.” he says instead. “I’m really, honestly ashamed of the way I treated you, and I know I can’t take any of it back but...”
“But?” Hokuto asks, his voice still thick, tears still weaving silent tracks down his cheeks. When he turns to look at Taiga his eyes are so deep, so desolate and everything within Taiga aches because he knows this is his doing. There’s barely any trace of the self-assured spirit that Hokuto had the first time they kissed on that studio rooftop.
“But I miss you so much...” Taiga says, his own voice cracking towards the end as the aching overwhelms him and then his vision is blurred with tears. His “Hokuto, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” is barely audible over his sobs, and he hides his face in his hands as the tears keep coming.
“Here.” Hokuto says eventually, tapping Taiga’s forearm and when Taiga pulls his hand away, Hokuto is holding out a lit cigarette. He takes it, his fingers shaking as he raises it to his lips. He smokes it slowly, each inhale helping to calm his erratic breathing.
“Thank you.” he says when he’s done but Hokuto doesn’t answer. There are no words, just warm lips pressing against his own. They taste like nicotine and a little like heaven, they taste like hope.