(no subject)
I know I said i am working toward doing better. Getting a better job, figuring out what it is going to take to have things feel right again. But each new day buries me deeper and deeper that i feel like at any moment i am going to lose my sanity. I haven't slept in almost an entire day, I am due to be in at work at 9:00 AM. I lost 30 bucks at the Casino last night, I can't find my digital camera, i think someone took it out of my car because i hate locking it now that I don't have an auto-lock on my keys. So my problem now is that i am in an awful position, as usual, and, as usual, there is no one to blame but myself. It has been this way my entire life. Never careful enough, never wise enough, never thinking before i act. But always finishing last, and KNOWING it is all my fault, and that i didn't try my hardest. I never have tried my hardest, i was raised believing i could never try my hardest, no one has ever believed i am trying my hardest at anything. The only thing i feel like i know over everyone......is that they are wrong....in that not killing myself...I am doing the best i can.