Bottom 10 Films Of 2006.
Having not seen all the films that I think will be in my top 10, I'll do my bottom ten instead which I know is cemented.
10. Severance -
What happened? British horror was doing mediocre wise, then The Descent came out and it looked like it was on the up and up. Then Severance came out. Unfunny, missing a lot of gore, and missing a hell of a lot of plot. Irritating characters are only worthwhile dying if they make worthwhile irritating characters, so that their death can be better enjoyed - or something like that. But, in Severance, the irritating characters somehow make it all the way to the end. The tagline for the film "The Office meets The Descent" sounded great - but I was feeling gullible that day when I read it and made the decision to see the film.
9. Mission: Impossible III -
Another "what happened?" The first film was a rollicking ride of grand double crosses, the second one was an overblown excursion to Australia, and the third? Probably just a platform for JJ Abrams to unleash his "great directorial talent" onto the big screen. Sure enough, halfway through the film, just like halfway through Alias, Felicity (from what I understand with its time travelling etc.) and no doubt what will occur to Lost, the film jumps the shark. An unenjoyable mish-mash of blatant rip-off's from itself. That said, Phil Hoffman was good.
8. Lucky Number Slevin -
Maybe I'm bias, but really, any film that has Lucy Liu, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley and Josh Hartnett, all trying to do something for their careers - what that something is, I'm just really not too sure, Liu just needs to crawl into a hole, Freeman needs to just cuddle up to that token Oscar and Oprah, Kingsley just needs to get another Sexy Beast role, Hartnett is just really really happy that he can say that he was in Sin City - and tries to have a funny title... oh gosh, that title! It's just downhill from the studio credits onwards.
7. Imaginary Heroes -
- Grief can be a great thing when it's played correctly. Grief can really hit home when it means a hell of a lot. Sigourney Weaver can do great things when given great things to do. Jeff Daniels can also do great things - and after viewing Dumb And Dumber the other night again, why he isn't offered more comedy is beyond me (even though the Golden Globes believe The Squid And The Whale is a laugh a minute). Hell, Michelle Williams is the only Dawson's Creek cast member to walk away with some credibility - and damn good credibility at that. But the grief in this film is how poorly it's all plotted out and conceived. Joan Allen - in an underappreciated role - in The Upside Of Anger delivers more believable and emotional grief in the last five minutes of that film than the whole running time of Imaginary Heroes. A real disappointment of a film.
6. Brick -
Every so often there's a critically acclaimed film that just about everybody loves. There's a critically acclaimed film that has grand performances, witty dialogue, superb visuals, and a great storyline. And somewhere in Brick is that film. I have no doubt that this might be a great film, that the performances are great, that the storyline is superb, and I'd no doubt have enjoyed my time at the cinema if I could understand a single word of dialogue that was being said. Oh, I understood the words, just not the sentences. Now, I'm not bringing the film down for that sole problem, but the storyline - from what I understood - was trite, and the execution of said trite storyline left a lot to be desired. A little like the next film...
5. Hard Candy -
Check out that poster. What a killer poster! What a great poster! Doesn't it just scream brilliant! Doesn't that just scream indie thriller! Doesn't it scream Pedophilia! Isn't pedophilia the new homosexuality? Who knows. Who cares. Not to be confused with Candy - the Australian drug film starring Heath Ledger and Abbie Cornish trying to do right by the Australian Film Industry (although chances are if you did confuse it with Candy you'd probably experience the same thing) - Hard Candy starts off promisingly, girl chats up man from internet, girl meets man in cafe, girl goes back to mans house, things get a little tight, and then they unravel. Neither scary nor thrilling. Without going into the guts of this bland story, I'll just pose a quick question: If an alleged pedophile was in the process of getting his testicles cut off, would you be sitting in your seat squirming or feeling like he's getting his just desserts? Because I surely would like to think the latter is what you should be feeling, yet the film wants you to feel the former. Most annoying part? No pay off.
4. The Woods -
A disappointing film in the sense that the talent at hand are capable of so much more. Lucky McKee's follow up to the brilliant May leaves a lot to be desired. In short, it feels as if this film was intended to really have a modernisation of the tree sequence from Evil Dead. Which as an idea sounds great, but the execution is just poor. That said, I'll definitely still be looking for McKee's next films when they come out.
3. The Da Vinci Code -
You know it's a bad year when The Da Vinci Code is only the third worst film you've seen all year. There's really nothing new I can say about this mess of a film without treading old ground. Merely, why adapt a book which is half theoretical pen on paper puzzle solving and ditch all the puzzle solving for really thrillingly slow car chases and twists that come from a mile away?
2. Hostel -
This looked to be a great film. It's a mainstream R rated horror film! And filmed by Eli Roth, the guy who did Cabin Fever, which I enjoyed thoroughly. But Hostel is awful. It's laughably terrible. When an audience sits in laughter through the scene's which are supposed to shock and jolt you, you should know that you've got a turkey on your hands. Yet, Roth has gone back to do No. 2 - which if my bad sense of humour, reviewing skills and imagination is anything to go by could very easily turn into a literal No. 2 - and has plans on making this a trilogy. I wish him all the best, I truly do. All I can say is I'm truly glad that I didn't pay to see this, except for with the two hours of my life which I won't get back.
1. Suburban Mayhem -
I've never really been this offended by a film since, well, Conspiracy Theory and the animated Peter Pan. How this can get the accolade's it has in Australia is beyond me. Disgusting, offensive, purely unenjoyable, a black mark for everyone involved. Words cannot describe how awful this film really is. Well, actually, the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre comes closest to being what it was like. As if someone has told you to sit down, open your mouth, they whip out their dick and just piss all over your face. Then they shit on your head. And then kill your dog whilst your at it. And make a killing for it. Whoopa! That's entertainment!
10. Severance -
What happened? British horror was doing mediocre wise, then The Descent came out and it looked like it was on the up and up. Then Severance came out. Unfunny, missing a lot of gore, and missing a hell of a lot of plot. Irritating characters are only worthwhile dying if they make worthwhile irritating characters, so that their death can be better enjoyed - or something like that. But, in Severance, the irritating characters somehow make it all the way to the end. The tagline for the film "The Office meets The Descent" sounded great - but I was feeling gullible that day when I read it and made the decision to see the film.
9. Mission: Impossible III -
Another "what happened?" The first film was a rollicking ride of grand double crosses, the second one was an overblown excursion to Australia, and the third? Probably just a platform for JJ Abrams to unleash his "great directorial talent" onto the big screen. Sure enough, halfway through the film, just like halfway through Alias, Felicity (from what I understand with its time travelling etc.) and no doubt what will occur to Lost, the film jumps the shark. An unenjoyable mish-mash of blatant rip-off's from itself. That said, Phil Hoffman was good.
8. Lucky Number Slevin -
Maybe I'm bias, but really, any film that has Lucy Liu, Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley and Josh Hartnett, all trying to do something for their careers - what that something is, I'm just really not too sure, Liu just needs to crawl into a hole, Freeman needs to just cuddle up to that token Oscar and Oprah, Kingsley just needs to get another Sexy Beast role, Hartnett is just really really happy that he can say that he was in Sin City - and tries to have a funny title... oh gosh, that title! It's just downhill from the studio credits onwards.
7. Imaginary Heroes -
- Grief can be a great thing when it's played correctly. Grief can really hit home when it means a hell of a lot. Sigourney Weaver can do great things when given great things to do. Jeff Daniels can also do great things - and after viewing Dumb And Dumber the other night again, why he isn't offered more comedy is beyond me (even though the Golden Globes believe The Squid And The Whale is a laugh a minute). Hell, Michelle Williams is the only Dawson's Creek cast member to walk away with some credibility - and damn good credibility at that. But the grief in this film is how poorly it's all plotted out and conceived. Joan Allen - in an underappreciated role - in The Upside Of Anger delivers more believable and emotional grief in the last five minutes of that film than the whole running time of Imaginary Heroes. A real disappointment of a film.
6. Brick -
Every so often there's a critically acclaimed film that just about everybody loves. There's a critically acclaimed film that has grand performances, witty dialogue, superb visuals, and a great storyline. And somewhere in Brick is that film. I have no doubt that this might be a great film, that the performances are great, that the storyline is superb, and I'd no doubt have enjoyed my time at the cinema if I could understand a single word of dialogue that was being said. Oh, I understood the words, just not the sentences. Now, I'm not bringing the film down for that sole problem, but the storyline - from what I understood - was trite, and the execution of said trite storyline left a lot to be desired. A little like the next film...
5. Hard Candy -
Check out that poster. What a killer poster! What a great poster! Doesn't it just scream brilliant! Doesn't that just scream indie thriller! Doesn't it scream Pedophilia! Isn't pedophilia the new homosexuality? Who knows. Who cares. Not to be confused with Candy - the Australian drug film starring Heath Ledger and Abbie Cornish trying to do right by the Australian Film Industry (although chances are if you did confuse it with Candy you'd probably experience the same thing) - Hard Candy starts off promisingly, girl chats up man from internet, girl meets man in cafe, girl goes back to mans house, things get a little tight, and then they unravel. Neither scary nor thrilling. Without going into the guts of this bland story, I'll just pose a quick question: If an alleged pedophile was in the process of getting his testicles cut off, would you be sitting in your seat squirming or feeling like he's getting his just desserts? Because I surely would like to think the latter is what you should be feeling, yet the film wants you to feel the former. Most annoying part? No pay off.
4. The Woods -
A disappointing film in the sense that the talent at hand are capable of so much more. Lucky McKee's follow up to the brilliant May leaves a lot to be desired. In short, it feels as if this film was intended to really have a modernisation of the tree sequence from Evil Dead. Which as an idea sounds great, but the execution is just poor. That said, I'll definitely still be looking for McKee's next films when they come out.
3. The Da Vinci Code -
You know it's a bad year when The Da Vinci Code is only the third worst film you've seen all year. There's really nothing new I can say about this mess of a film without treading old ground. Merely, why adapt a book which is half theoretical pen on paper puzzle solving and ditch all the puzzle solving for really thrillingly slow car chases and twists that come from a mile away?
2. Hostel -
This looked to be a great film. It's a mainstream R rated horror film! And filmed by Eli Roth, the guy who did Cabin Fever, which I enjoyed thoroughly. But Hostel is awful. It's laughably terrible. When an audience sits in laughter through the scene's which are supposed to shock and jolt you, you should know that you've got a turkey on your hands. Yet, Roth has gone back to do No. 2 - which if my bad sense of humour, reviewing skills and imagination is anything to go by could very easily turn into a literal No. 2 - and has plans on making this a trilogy. I wish him all the best, I truly do. All I can say is I'm truly glad that I didn't pay to see this, except for with the two hours of my life which I won't get back.
1. Suburban Mayhem -
I've never really been this offended by a film since, well, Conspiracy Theory and the animated Peter Pan. How this can get the accolade's it has in Australia is beyond me. Disgusting, offensive, purely unenjoyable, a black mark for everyone involved. Words cannot describe how awful this film really is. Well, actually, the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre comes closest to being what it was like. As if someone has told you to sit down, open your mouth, they whip out their dick and just piss all over your face. Then they shit on your head. And then kill your dog whilst your at it. And make a killing for it. Whoopa! That's entertainment!