Chapter 31: Love-1
“Kazumi, are you disappointed with Papa?”
I shook my head “No, I’m not. Kazumi is a great name. I love my name… really.”
I only realised recently that I truly loved my name.
That night in the ICU, Papa’s murmurs rang across my ears over and over again. I was very scared that Papa would leave us because he longed so much for Kamenashi.
But in the end, Papa regained consciousness, and returned to the world that has Mama and me in it. He missed Kamenashi very much, but he was willing to stay by our side and watch over us.
Although my name wasn’t unique at all, it carried a lot of feelings that Papa accumulated through the years. My name had a deeper meaning to what it seemed.
I held Papa’s hands, and he turned to me and gave me a familiar smile.
Although it was merely a small smile, it contained many complex emotions mixed with Papa’s memories.
Perhaps he felt that he should say more, but I truly felt that it was really good enough as an answer.
After he returned to Japan from his search, Papa lived in agony everyday.
He couldn’t do anything else but to live on in life. Mama was able to provide him the warmth that he badly needed. Mama was just like the driftwood that kept him alive in the sea…
That was why Papa married Mama even though his love was still on Kamenashi.
Through the years, they established up a strong and stable bond together. It wasn’t pure love; it was a complex bond that was genuine and whole-hearted.
Although that bond wasn’t as passionate and strong like the one in Papa’s youth, it was something that was accumulated through years. It was indestructible.
Papa was happy and blissful, with the exception to that particular wound in his heart.
I thought about the wound that stayed with him for more than twenty years…
Then I recalled that Mama has always been proud of Papa’s steadfastness in love.
My eyes started to water again at this thought.
It wasn’t tears of despair; it was tears of empathy…
One can only blame Fate for these unresolved loves…
Papa wasn’t at fault.
It was Fate that he met Kamenashi first…
But if he didn’t fall in love with Kamenashi, perhaps he would never have learnt the ways to truly care for someone…
Without Kame’s deliberate departure, he would have never met Mama in US.
I remembered, Papa once talked about ‘Change’ on his column.
“It is easy to change your appearance… but it takes time to change your character. No one can predict if the change is for better or worse. But when I want to look back and reflect upon the changes, I’ve realized that my point of view might have changed as well…"
"Changes are natural in the cycle of evolution. But I believed that there’s another factor that played an important part as well. I am the Akanishi Jin today because of the people I met and the experiences I gained through my life.”
Mama fell in love with the Akanishi Jin who has experienced a heart-wrenching relationship with Kamenashi. If Kamenashi did not appear in Papa’s life, I couldn’t picture how Papa would turn out to be like now.
Would he still be so gentle and caring?
Would he still know how to protect his loved ones?
Pi told me before, “Memories can’t be erased, especially memories of those that you’ve truly loved with your heart and soul. They will stay in your heart forever”.
Papa must have clearly felt Kamenashi’s love for him; that’s why he tried his best to create his own happiness and lead a happy life. And that was why he chose to return to our side when he was battling with the infection.
Under the sunlight, Papa stretched his hands and ruffled my hair affectionately.
He told me, “Kazumi, the only thing that I’m thankful for after so many years… is that Fate brought the 3 of you into my life. I’ve learnt a lot from your existence. I’m thankful for the love that all of you have given me through these years. None of you can replace one another… although the 3 of you appeared in different stages of my life, you’re all equally important to me. I place the 3 of you as my main priority in life, even before myself…
I only knew how to love someone when I was young, but I wasn’t capable of protecting the one I treasured. But if anyone dares to hurt you now, I’ll protect you at all cost. You’re my only daughter… even if you get married one day and have other priorities in life, you’re still my daughter.
If Mama was the one who brought me out of my lowdown period in life, then you, Kazumi… your birth gave me new strength in life. You’re of such importance to me, that’s why I decided to give you that name. Do you understand what I’m saying…?
My darling... I love you, that’s why I named you Kazumi. It wasn’t because of your name that I love you.”
Chapter 32: http://thescarletscar.livejournal.com/11437.html