It started as a response to a post, and got out of hand...
Regarding sexuality: My own little epiphany.
1: My most basic rule of thumb is, "if I could not be connected enough with this person to raise an offspring in a civil manner, with the offsprings best interest foremost in our minds, then I don't do an activity with them, that an offspring is even remotely possible. That covers any form of intimacy, where fluids may be exchanged or discharged. (there was this story about a guy that left a condom and she *really* wanted to have his child and...)
2: I pack out my own trash. See last sentence above.
3: If trust is not there, (safety, due-diligence, disclosure, boundaries, confidentiality, ability to communicate as an adult, about adult concepts, etc...) then they are off the list. If I don't trust their judgment when it comes to how they live their life, then I don't trust them with my life. This is a major departure in the last year. I don't have many purity points to lose, but I am not willing to acquire somebodies medical malady, in order to drop another percentage point.
4: Sanity. Enough said. I have been deluged with stories this week, of seemingly rational people driven to do, or having done to them things that only occur in Steven King Movies... (discounting "Christine" of course, wait, never mind, even though *he* was sure that her foot slipped off the clutch)...
5: A connection. Sex without emotional intimacy has become this "thing" that we expect. Maybe this is from porn, and daytime TV, and movies, and media. I don't know, but we have lost a major truth. The purity of emotion, the possibility of a real connection, the nirvana of "one-ness" that comes when the physical act, is combined with real emotions has become this impossible spiritual goal. Sadly, some people can never achieve it at all.
Spiritual Connections (and lack thereof) are not limited to mono relationships.
This amazing connection *can* be part of many parts of non-traditional relationships, however, my recent experiences have shown me that large parts of "poly" relationships are more often Poly-sexual, and the Amour has gotten tossed out the window. Often this is in exchange for "King" factor (this started as a typo but makes even more sense, in terms of control, belt notches, king of the bed, etc), as well as kink factor.
None of this is limited to men but they appear more prevalently. In my (humble) opinion.
People, if you put limitations on your partner that you would not accept yourself (even in an open relationship), than you are committing a lie to yourself and them.
Anything less than the ecstatic combination of emotion that is the blending of the soul, and body, and mind at the same instant, is the equivalent of the masturbatory rubbing of mucus membranes, and you can get that by putting your fingers in your (or in each others) noses, and squishing around in their sinuses. Frankly, without the emotional connection, lots of sex has ended up about as irritating as someone sticking their middle finger into my sinuses...
"I am not responsible for your afterthoughts." Frankly, with the addition of the extra-ordinary dramatic, "oh fuck" (morning after regrets factor), which is often because people don't communicate verbally but feel it is fine to do something Far more intimate physically and freakout afterwards), communication has not gotten easier. We are all walking through a sexual minefield now. Don't even contemplate the above in the workplace.
5: Performance anxiety. Lots of people have triggers about "expected performance". Some, because of abusive previous relationships, and some because nobody likes to be told what to do (or *not* to do) with their own body.
The word no, should never *have* to be spoken. A partner should be sensitive enough to understand (before hand) what a persons limit is. And it should be communicated in advance anyways.
Yes, everyone should always respond to it, a safeword, a double tap, or whatever. If you take away their ability to say "no" or "stop" (through intimidation, restraint, age gap, "lack of ability to have informed consent"), you are asking for whatever charges they choose to level. Whenever they choose to level them.
6: Body type. Oh god people, we are of the internet generation. We have all seen the Photoshop process of the model on the cover of the glossy photo magazine. We know about artificiality in print, film, and media. Fuck, we live (some of us) on a coast with a higher per capita expenditure on 'appearance modification' than any other culture on the planet.
Why the fuck do we buy into it? hell if I know. Reminds me, I need to lose 15 lbs, and hike 24 miles this week.
7A: Love. Love one another, love yourself. Treat yourself as you would want to be treated by others. Hell, if you would not want it done to you, then for god sakes, don't ask your partner to participate in an activity that you would not submit to.
Guys, if you are obsessed with Anal, then buy your partner a "Feeldoe" equal in size to your cock, and get used to receiving it (long and hard) ***before*** you ask. Always remember: Her turn is tomorrow night.
7B: BDSM. Rolls eyes. If you won't bottom for that activity, then you don't get to top that activity. If you are male, and you don't bottom, cause, "men are always Dom" then your head is more fucked up than I can put into words, and you need to go to the island of Mis-Fit toys, elect yourself king of the dildo's (sp?) or something. Really, if the above is your core belief, then you are beyond help. Go back to high school, or join your fraternity brothers in Freshman hazing rituals, or whatever the fuck you have to do, to get off, but leave my friends out of it.
8: Communicate your feelings, as well as what you want for yourself. Talk it over. Do it before that 3rd glass of wine. If you are not safe to drive, you have lost the ability to offer (or receive) "informed consent".
9A: (Stolen from Robert Heinlein). Rub his/her feet. Regardless of your religious upbringing, washing and caring for feet, is an amazingly selfless act. It is part of many different religious activities, and the connections between zones of the feet and pure emotional triggers is well documented.
9B: Learn to give and receive massage, do it equally. Offer it 3 times as often as you ask for it.
9C: Listen to what she/he wants, even when they have worked a 14 hour day, and it all sounds like senseless drivel, (same if you have worked 14 hours).
10: (Also stolen from RAH). Make sure she has her own desk, and keep your paws out of it. Same for Computers. Note: Own computer, does not mean, "own logon". It means own computer.
P.P.S. Copyright Thesaruswrex. Repost by advance permission only. All (non-friend) comments remained screened, unless you ask me to open them to public. Now a public post, at request.
1: My most basic rule of thumb is, "if I could not be connected enough with this person to raise an offspring in a civil manner, with the offsprings best interest foremost in our minds, then I don't do an activity with them, that an offspring is even remotely possible. That covers any form of intimacy, where fluids may be exchanged or discharged. (there was this story about a guy that left a condom and she *really* wanted to have his child and...)
2: I pack out my own trash. See last sentence above.
3: If trust is not there, (safety, due-diligence, disclosure, boundaries, confidentiality, ability to communicate as an adult, about adult concepts, etc...) then they are off the list. If I don't trust their judgment when it comes to how they live their life, then I don't trust them with my life. This is a major departure in the last year. I don't have many purity points to lose, but I am not willing to acquire somebodies medical malady, in order to drop another percentage point.
4: Sanity. Enough said. I have been deluged with stories this week, of seemingly rational people driven to do, or having done to them things that only occur in Steven King Movies... (discounting "Christine" of course, wait, never mind, even though *he* was sure that her foot slipped off the clutch)...
5: A connection. Sex without emotional intimacy has become this "thing" that we expect. Maybe this is from porn, and daytime TV, and movies, and media. I don't know, but we have lost a major truth. The purity of emotion, the possibility of a real connection, the nirvana of "one-ness" that comes when the physical act, is combined with real emotions has become this impossible spiritual goal. Sadly, some people can never achieve it at all.
Spiritual Connections (and lack thereof) are not limited to mono relationships.
This amazing connection *can* be part of many parts of non-traditional relationships, however, my recent experiences have shown me that large parts of "poly" relationships are more often Poly-sexual, and the Amour has gotten tossed out the window. Often this is in exchange for "King" factor (this started as a typo but makes even more sense, in terms of control, belt notches, king of the bed, etc), as well as kink factor.
None of this is limited to men but they appear more prevalently. In my (humble) opinion.
People, if you put limitations on your partner that you would not accept yourself (even in an open relationship), than you are committing a lie to yourself and them.
Anything less than the ecstatic combination of emotion that is the blending of the soul, and body, and mind at the same instant, is the equivalent of the masturbatory rubbing of mucus membranes, and you can get that by putting your fingers in your (or in each others) noses, and squishing around in their sinuses. Frankly, without the emotional connection, lots of sex has ended up about as irritating as someone sticking their middle finger into my sinuses...
"I am not responsible for your afterthoughts." Frankly, with the addition of the extra-ordinary dramatic, "oh fuck" (morning after regrets factor), which is often because people don't communicate verbally but feel it is fine to do something Far more intimate physically and freakout afterwards), communication has not gotten easier. We are all walking through a sexual minefield now. Don't even contemplate the above in the workplace.
5: Performance anxiety. Lots of people have triggers about "expected performance". Some, because of abusive previous relationships, and some because nobody likes to be told what to do (or *not* to do) with their own body.
The word no, should never *have* to be spoken. A partner should be sensitive enough to understand (before hand) what a persons limit is. And it should be communicated in advance anyways.
Yes, everyone should always respond to it, a safeword, a double tap, or whatever. If you take away their ability to say "no" or "stop" (through intimidation, restraint, age gap, "lack of ability to have informed consent"), you are asking for whatever charges they choose to level. Whenever they choose to level them.
6: Body type. Oh god people, we are of the internet generation. We have all seen the Photoshop process of the model on the cover of the glossy photo magazine. We know about artificiality in print, film, and media. Fuck, we live (some of us) on a coast with a higher per capita expenditure on 'appearance modification' than any other culture on the planet.
Why the fuck do we buy into it? hell if I know. Reminds me, I need to lose 15 lbs, and hike 24 miles this week.
7A: Love. Love one another, love yourself. Treat yourself as you would want to be treated by others. Hell, if you would not want it done to you, then for god sakes, don't ask your partner to participate in an activity that you would not submit to.
Guys, if you are obsessed with Anal, then buy your partner a "Feeldoe" equal in size to your cock, and get used to receiving it (long and hard) ***before*** you ask. Always remember: Her turn is tomorrow night.
7B: BDSM. Rolls eyes. If you won't bottom for that activity, then you don't get to top that activity. If you are male, and you don't bottom, cause, "men are always Dom" then your head is more fucked up than I can put into words, and you need to go to the island of Mis-Fit toys, elect yourself king of the dildo's (sp?) or something. Really, if the above is your core belief, then you are beyond help. Go back to high school, or join your fraternity brothers in Freshman hazing rituals, or whatever the fuck you have to do, to get off, but leave my friends out of it.
8: Communicate your feelings, as well as what you want for yourself. Talk it over. Do it before that 3rd glass of wine. If you are not safe to drive, you have lost the ability to offer (or receive) "informed consent".
9A: (Stolen from Robert Heinlein). Rub his/her feet. Regardless of your religious upbringing, washing and caring for feet, is an amazingly selfless act. It is part of many different religious activities, and the connections between zones of the feet and pure emotional triggers is well documented.
9B: Learn to give and receive massage, do it equally. Offer it 3 times as often as you ask for it.
9C: Listen to what she/he wants, even when they have worked a 14 hour day, and it all sounds like senseless drivel, (same if you have worked 14 hours).
10: (Also stolen from RAH). Make sure she has her own desk, and keep your paws out of it. Same for Computers. Note: Own computer, does not mean, "own logon". It means own computer.
P.P.S. Copyright Thesaruswrex. Repost by advance permission only. All (non-friend) comments remained screened, unless you ask me to open them to public. Now a public post, at request.