(no subject)
An old entry from my first Lj that grasped my attention.
July 15th, 2003...
How can you call me yours?
FTJ is not that bad now. I've finally gotten the guts to start blocking people. Now all the rapists are blocked, and the select few that I enjoy are not.
Someone asked me about my past last night, and I got really nostalgic. Those night where theres nothing to do but think, and thinking is what i do TOO well. Though I overanalyze now a little, i remember when it was an everyday occurence. I was thinking. I remember when i started highschool, how scared i was. i even remember what I wore to school. It was almost a new start for me, cause all my friends were in gifted classes, while i was in regular for the year. Killian has a 1-6 per day schedule. I remember sitting in the gym at the end of the day, just sitting there with a friend of mine and seeing this kid sitting all alone. he looked pretty lonely. For no reason what soever, i walked over and started talknig to him. Thats how i met Zack. We became really close friends, and it was great. We hung out together all the time, and it was fun. In November 2002, I got grounded on the day of a party I really wanted to go to. I had busted my ass to be able to go to this party, and I got grounded just hours before it. i was so pissed, that I took my bike, and i swore to myself I'd ride from Dadeland to Dolphin. In my youthful innocence, i went the wrong way, and i ended up in Goulds. I ended up just going back home. That was the first sign of what was to become hell. In March, I was suspended from school for vandalizing a school security camera. I got 10 days outdoor. I was grounded so badly for that. I got so lonely and so pissed, that at 1 AM one day, i just packed up some shit and I ran. Unfortunately, a cop saw me that night, called my pop, and i was taken back home. That just made matters worse.
During and throughout this whole ordeal, I had been going out with Kareena Crespo. She was everything and the world to me. She made the life i was slowly starting to hate more bearable. I was severly grounded, so we only saw each other in school. We used to skip classes sometimes just so we can be together, somewhere. i enjoyed that part of life so much. At home, though, my father and i fought on a regular basis. As some of you may know, i have a smart mouth, and sometimes I let it get the best of me. I didnt respect him, my stepmom, are anything either of them said. At home, i wasnt allowed to do anything. All i could do was read, and I had read pretty much everything in the house. This gave me alot of time to think. I began to oranalyze. "What If's" started constructing themselve in my head. What if Kareena got sick of this shit? What if she got sick of the fact that I couldnt go out and shit? What if she left me? This would really depress me, cause she was everything to me, and all I wanted was her. I would get so scared, cause I knew I was helpless to her feelings. There would be nothing I could to to stop her from leaving. I began to swallow pills and such. Suicide became something that I wasnt afraid of. Death seemed to be a release, a way out. Pain was only temporary. I started wasting away. And I didnt really care.
Finally, school ended, and i dreaded summer. I was still grounded, and I wouldnt be able to see Kareena at all. My fears were heightened. Than, the worst that could happen happened. On the Thursday night/ Friday morning after school had ended, Kareena ended it all. That was it. I broke. I lost any rightful thinking i may have had. I called Mika that night, my best friend and the one person who always seemed to convince me out of dying. i told her I was going to run the next day. That I was going to leave for real. And there wouldnt be any coming back. I felt that I had nothing here for me anymore. She tried to convince me out of it, but all she could do was convince me to run to her house, where we would talk and figure things out. And the next day i did run. And I got to Mika's house. My pop knew i was going there, though. He had seen me, and he had tried to chase me down, but I lost him. David and Claudia had come over that day, and we all talked and relaxed at mikas house. At around 330 though, cops showed up in Mikas driveway. And not just one or two, but 4 squad cars. I was searched, and i had my earrings and necklaces taken away from me. Everything sharp was taken. I was cuffed, and put into the back of a squad car. As tears rolled down my face, I looked to Mika, who was watching me go. She was crying too, and all she did was smile and point to her face. Smile, Will. I hate myself everyday for what I put her through that day.
I was taken to the Deering Hospital/Jackson South psych intake center. It took almost 6 hours for me to be taken to the actual floor, where I would be staying for however long my doctor thought was right. I was put on all all precautions, because i was a danger to myself. This was one of the scariest times of my life. Though the 17 and unders were in a different section that the adults, you could still hear there screams through the walls. People would cry for no reason. Mental health technicians running through the halls due to emergencies with certain patients. My roomate was a little black boy named Marquez, who had stabbed his teacher in the neck with a pencil. I could never sleep. All I wanted was out. So I lied. I lied about everything. I lied about being happy and I lied about feeling better. I had talked on the phone to Mika, through my mom, and she said that Kareena wanted me back. I was happy beyond words. I asked Kareena out again from a mental hospital.
A month passed, and i was still depressed. Kareenas parents had forbidden her contact with me, so everything we did was a lie. We never saw each other. In late july, I ran again. This time to Davids (punkrockdok4 is his LJ) house. I slept the night there, and in the morning i was taken by my father and the cops to the hospital again. Kareena stuck by me through this all. I faked the hospital once more, just wanting out. Manipulating is, unfortunately, something I'm good at.
The days went by, and i volunteered at A.D. Barnes camp, which was really cool. It was around this time that Zack and I went to Sanibel Island with his family. At 4 AM in a hotel room, i had found out that my best friend had asked out Kareena while I was in the hospital for the first time. It killed me to know, but he was my best friend, and he was sorry. He had been scared to tell me. Somehow, I forgave him without a thought. School started again, and i saw Kareena again. We made it, somehow, we made it. Through all the think and all the bad, we made it. But I started thinking again, and the "What Ifs" returned. On September 17th, I got so scared that I kissed Kareena, and went and jumped onto the three foot ledge on teh second floor of Killian, and I just looked down. tears flooded my face, and fear was flowing through my whole body. I couldnt hear anything but someone behind me saying to get down. I stood there and thought, but I finally just jumped down, back onto the second floor. i was rushed into a classroom, where i cried my eyes out before being taken to the trust counselors office with Zack and Andrea. He called my father, and i went back to the hospital. This time, i knew i needed help. I tried to be helped, and to raise my self esteem and self confidence. On September 25th, I was released from the hospital, and I proceeded to call Kareena. We broke up that night, mutually, and we both moved on.
The next day I started SW. i met Bryan, and we bonded almost instantly. We're both exactly alike, and we kinda connected. We started Johny*5, and thats how our bands got started. I met Natalie Arquedas, and three days later we were going out. We broke up 2 weeks later, and I was ok. i started talking to Mika again. we became much closer. I asked her out in November of 2003, and we were happy together. I met Carlos Dominicis in Philososphy, and I respected his views during the philosophical debates we used to have in class. i began to actually look up to him. He seemed to be a carefree yet determined person. He was a model of where i wanted to be when i was older. Strange, but true. Johny*5 broke up, and the roots of Better Late Than Never were started by Bryan and I. Mika and I encountered our problems, and we then broke up. It was also mutual. I moved on. And i volunteered for the Christams Carol cast. I got in, and thats where I met LE. God, I thought she was gorgeous at first sight. She seemed so perfect. I remember her getting me into The Juliana Theory. We became friends, and that was that. The play came and went. I was enjoying SW. Than one day, i was online at my uncles house, and Kareena came online. I hadnt talked to her since the day i was released from Killian. I Imed her and we started talknig. We talked for a few hours that night, and it was good. She was going out with this guy, Jordi, and she was happy. I was happy for her, but inside I was sad. What if I hadnt thought the way that i did? Kareena and I were so close, and i dont think anything could've torn us apart, had I not gone crazy. After that, we started talking every now and then. It was better than not talking at all.
I asked LE out in March. I started neglecting my friends, but I suppose I was happy. I enjoyed every minute of the time we spent together. I was happy with her. I had a great band, great friends, and a great girlfriend. Than the demo came out, and we started getting alot of attention. Alot. I'm a boy, I'm young. I wanted to be there when girls said they thought I was cute and stuff. The LE crisis happened, but I felt it was what I wanted. I hated hurting her, but I just followed what I believed to be right. I just followed my heart.
I've had a few flings that almost became relationships since them, but nothing more. The band is amazing. We're really starting to kick off. I'm talking to a few people, and I'm really enjoying it. I'm liking life now. I'm happy.
And thats my life now. Now you all know where i came from and where I've been. Sleep well, everyone. Dream Sweet...
Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you...
July 15th, 2003...
How can you call me yours?
FTJ is not that bad now. I've finally gotten the guts to start blocking people. Now all the rapists are blocked, and the select few that I enjoy are not.
Someone asked me about my past last night, and I got really nostalgic. Those night where theres nothing to do but think, and thinking is what i do TOO well. Though I overanalyze now a little, i remember when it was an everyday occurence. I was thinking. I remember when i started highschool, how scared i was. i even remember what I wore to school. It was almost a new start for me, cause all my friends were in gifted classes, while i was in regular for the year. Killian has a 1-6 per day schedule. I remember sitting in the gym at the end of the day, just sitting there with a friend of mine and seeing this kid sitting all alone. he looked pretty lonely. For no reason what soever, i walked over and started talknig to him. Thats how i met Zack. We became really close friends, and it was great. We hung out together all the time, and it was fun. In November 2002, I got grounded on the day of a party I really wanted to go to. I had busted my ass to be able to go to this party, and I got grounded just hours before it. i was so pissed, that I took my bike, and i swore to myself I'd ride from Dadeland to Dolphin. In my youthful innocence, i went the wrong way, and i ended up in Goulds. I ended up just going back home. That was the first sign of what was to become hell. In March, I was suspended from school for vandalizing a school security camera. I got 10 days outdoor. I was grounded so badly for that. I got so lonely and so pissed, that at 1 AM one day, i just packed up some shit and I ran. Unfortunately, a cop saw me that night, called my pop, and i was taken back home. That just made matters worse.
During and throughout this whole ordeal, I had been going out with Kareena Crespo. She was everything and the world to me. She made the life i was slowly starting to hate more bearable. I was severly grounded, so we only saw each other in school. We used to skip classes sometimes just so we can be together, somewhere. i enjoyed that part of life so much. At home, though, my father and i fought on a regular basis. As some of you may know, i have a smart mouth, and sometimes I let it get the best of me. I didnt respect him, my stepmom, are anything either of them said. At home, i wasnt allowed to do anything. All i could do was read, and I had read pretty much everything in the house. This gave me alot of time to think. I began to oranalyze. "What If's" started constructing themselve in my head. What if Kareena got sick of this shit? What if she got sick of the fact that I couldnt go out and shit? What if she left me? This would really depress me, cause she was everything to me, and all I wanted was her. I would get so scared, cause I knew I was helpless to her feelings. There would be nothing I could to to stop her from leaving. I began to swallow pills and such. Suicide became something that I wasnt afraid of. Death seemed to be a release, a way out. Pain was only temporary. I started wasting away. And I didnt really care.
Finally, school ended, and i dreaded summer. I was still grounded, and I wouldnt be able to see Kareena at all. My fears were heightened. Than, the worst that could happen happened. On the Thursday night/ Friday morning after school had ended, Kareena ended it all. That was it. I broke. I lost any rightful thinking i may have had. I called Mika that night, my best friend and the one person who always seemed to convince me out of dying. i told her I was going to run the next day. That I was going to leave for real. And there wouldnt be any coming back. I felt that I had nothing here for me anymore. She tried to convince me out of it, but all she could do was convince me to run to her house, where we would talk and figure things out. And the next day i did run. And I got to Mika's house. My pop knew i was going there, though. He had seen me, and he had tried to chase me down, but I lost him. David and Claudia had come over that day, and we all talked and relaxed at mikas house. At around 330 though, cops showed up in Mikas driveway. And not just one or two, but 4 squad cars. I was searched, and i had my earrings and necklaces taken away from me. Everything sharp was taken. I was cuffed, and put into the back of a squad car. As tears rolled down my face, I looked to Mika, who was watching me go. She was crying too, and all she did was smile and point to her face. Smile, Will. I hate myself everyday for what I put her through that day.
I was taken to the Deering Hospital/Jackson South psych intake center. It took almost 6 hours for me to be taken to the actual floor, where I would be staying for however long my doctor thought was right. I was put on all all precautions, because i was a danger to myself. This was one of the scariest times of my life. Though the 17 and unders were in a different section that the adults, you could still hear there screams through the walls. People would cry for no reason. Mental health technicians running through the halls due to emergencies with certain patients. My roomate was a little black boy named Marquez, who had stabbed his teacher in the neck with a pencil. I could never sleep. All I wanted was out. So I lied. I lied about everything. I lied about being happy and I lied about feeling better. I had talked on the phone to Mika, through my mom, and she said that Kareena wanted me back. I was happy beyond words. I asked Kareena out again from a mental hospital.
A month passed, and i was still depressed. Kareenas parents had forbidden her contact with me, so everything we did was a lie. We never saw each other. In late july, I ran again. This time to Davids (punkrockdok4 is his LJ) house. I slept the night there, and in the morning i was taken by my father and the cops to the hospital again. Kareena stuck by me through this all. I faked the hospital once more, just wanting out. Manipulating is, unfortunately, something I'm good at.
The days went by, and i volunteered at A.D. Barnes camp, which was really cool. It was around this time that Zack and I went to Sanibel Island with his family. At 4 AM in a hotel room, i had found out that my best friend had asked out Kareena while I was in the hospital for the first time. It killed me to know, but he was my best friend, and he was sorry. He had been scared to tell me. Somehow, I forgave him without a thought. School started again, and i saw Kareena again. We made it, somehow, we made it. Through all the think and all the bad, we made it. But I started thinking again, and the "What Ifs" returned. On September 17th, I got so scared that I kissed Kareena, and went and jumped onto the three foot ledge on teh second floor of Killian, and I just looked down. tears flooded my face, and fear was flowing through my whole body. I couldnt hear anything but someone behind me saying to get down. I stood there and thought, but I finally just jumped down, back onto the second floor. i was rushed into a classroom, where i cried my eyes out before being taken to the trust counselors office with Zack and Andrea. He called my father, and i went back to the hospital. This time, i knew i needed help. I tried to be helped, and to raise my self esteem and self confidence. On September 25th, I was released from the hospital, and I proceeded to call Kareena. We broke up that night, mutually, and we both moved on.
The next day I started SW. i met Bryan, and we bonded almost instantly. We're both exactly alike, and we kinda connected. We started Johny*5, and thats how our bands got started. I met Natalie Arquedas, and three days later we were going out. We broke up 2 weeks later, and I was ok. i started talking to Mika again. we became much closer. I asked her out in November of 2003, and we were happy together. I met Carlos Dominicis in Philososphy, and I respected his views during the philosophical debates we used to have in class. i began to actually look up to him. He seemed to be a carefree yet determined person. He was a model of where i wanted to be when i was older. Strange, but true. Johny*5 broke up, and the roots of Better Late Than Never were started by Bryan and I. Mika and I encountered our problems, and we then broke up. It was also mutual. I moved on. And i volunteered for the Christams Carol cast. I got in, and thats where I met LE. God, I thought she was gorgeous at first sight. She seemed so perfect. I remember her getting me into The Juliana Theory. We became friends, and that was that. The play came and went. I was enjoying SW. Than one day, i was online at my uncles house, and Kareena came online. I hadnt talked to her since the day i was released from Killian. I Imed her and we started talknig. We talked for a few hours that night, and it was good. She was going out with this guy, Jordi, and she was happy. I was happy for her, but inside I was sad. What if I hadnt thought the way that i did? Kareena and I were so close, and i dont think anything could've torn us apart, had I not gone crazy. After that, we started talking every now and then. It was better than not talking at all.
I asked LE out in March. I started neglecting my friends, but I suppose I was happy. I enjoyed every minute of the time we spent together. I was happy with her. I had a great band, great friends, and a great girlfriend. Than the demo came out, and we started getting alot of attention. Alot. I'm a boy, I'm young. I wanted to be there when girls said they thought I was cute and stuff. The LE crisis happened, but I felt it was what I wanted. I hated hurting her, but I just followed what I believed to be right. I just followed my heart.
I've had a few flings that almost became relationships since them, but nothing more. The band is amazing. We're really starting to kick off. I'm talking to a few people, and I'm really enjoying it. I'm liking life now. I'm happy.
And thats my life now. Now you all know where i came from and where I've been. Sleep well, everyone. Dream Sweet...
Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you...