Desperate for a changing.
Today is Valentines Day. That inevitable day of happiness or sorrow. ‘Tis the day when lovers love, and losers lose. I, for three years running, am a loser today. Today, people smile, and people cry. People kill themselves today. People wed today. I’ve been told that I’ve never experienced a true Valentines Day. My question is: What is a true Valentines Day?
Yet, it is true that I COULD have experienced a “true” Valentines Day this year. If I had still been talking to Flo. If I had been a good boyfriend to Elizabeth. If I could’ve tried harder with Michelle. If I had a clearer head with Kareena. If any of these things had occurred, this oration could have been drastically different. But they didn’t. We’d all like to say that we care not for this day, that us “losers” need not a closer friend to share this day with. But those who utter this are only lying to themselves and those close enough to hear them. All of us, whether we are alone or together, will think of this day and the situation we are in during its run. We will ponder the circumstances and question the consequences, if only for a second. Me? ‘Tis true that I’ve been lonely. ‘Tis true that I’ve grown accustomed to its freeze. But we all wish we had somebody. We all want to say that we’re ok, we’re fine. We’re good. But are we? Are we lying to ourselves? I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to love like Janessy and Chris. What does that feel like?
I don’t know what I’m looking for. I know not of what I seek. I am happy with my life right now. I’m making money. When I’m not working, I’m hanging with the guys. I go to parties, I meet new people. But none appeal to me as more than a hookup. I wonder if I’ve lost the ability to love. Perhaps I’ve grown so numb that I’ve lost any feeling. I still rely on the hope that she will come around one day, and when she comes, I’ll know that it’s her. But what if she never shows? What if she’s here already, and I can’t see it? The fearful always play upon my confidence. Yet, when it comes to that, I’m quite the perfectionist. And the traditionalist. I’ve felt insecure in every relationship I’ve been in since I can remember. It all ties to that question, “Is love enough?” With Kareena and Michelle, seeing them was hard, for I was grounded or restricted. Would that be the downfall of the relationship? For at least one of them, I’m sorry to say that I think it was. With LE, I never felt up to par. I felt that proving myself was always in order. I hung on every word she said. With Jheanell in eighth grade, I felt that my reservations would cause things to go astray. Things did happen, and relationships failed. But we all grew. Besides family, the only people I’ve ever loved were Kareena and Michelle. Yet, both of them rarely speak to me anymore. Fate has a cruel way of acting.
All in all, this is a day of wonder. For all you lovers out there, I wish you the best. Bryan, Rae, Janessy, Chris, Leo, Sara, Dami, and Chris, I raise my glass to you all. May today bring you joy, in every aspect of the word.
G’day.
Yet, it is true that I COULD have experienced a “true” Valentines Day this year. If I had still been talking to Flo. If I had been a good boyfriend to Elizabeth. If I could’ve tried harder with Michelle. If I had a clearer head with Kareena. If any of these things had occurred, this oration could have been drastically different. But they didn’t. We’d all like to say that we care not for this day, that us “losers” need not a closer friend to share this day with. But those who utter this are only lying to themselves and those close enough to hear them. All of us, whether we are alone or together, will think of this day and the situation we are in during its run. We will ponder the circumstances and question the consequences, if only for a second. Me? ‘Tis true that I’ve been lonely. ‘Tis true that I’ve grown accustomed to its freeze. But we all wish we had somebody. We all want to say that we’re ok, we’re fine. We’re good. But are we? Are we lying to ourselves? I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to love like Janessy and Chris. What does that feel like?
I don’t know what I’m looking for. I know not of what I seek. I am happy with my life right now. I’m making money. When I’m not working, I’m hanging with the guys. I go to parties, I meet new people. But none appeal to me as more than a hookup. I wonder if I’ve lost the ability to love. Perhaps I’ve grown so numb that I’ve lost any feeling. I still rely on the hope that she will come around one day, and when she comes, I’ll know that it’s her. But what if she never shows? What if she’s here already, and I can’t see it? The fearful always play upon my confidence. Yet, when it comes to that, I’m quite the perfectionist. And the traditionalist. I’ve felt insecure in every relationship I’ve been in since I can remember. It all ties to that question, “Is love enough?” With Kareena and Michelle, seeing them was hard, for I was grounded or restricted. Would that be the downfall of the relationship? For at least one of them, I’m sorry to say that I think it was. With LE, I never felt up to par. I felt that proving myself was always in order. I hung on every word she said. With Jheanell in eighth grade, I felt that my reservations would cause things to go astray. Things did happen, and relationships failed. But we all grew. Besides family, the only people I’ve ever loved were Kareena and Michelle. Yet, both of them rarely speak to me anymore. Fate has a cruel way of acting.
All in all, this is a day of wonder. For all you lovers out there, I wish you the best. Bryan, Rae, Janessy, Chris, Leo, Sara, Dami, and Chris, I raise my glass to you all. May today bring you joy, in every aspect of the word.
G’day.